Made it

Thank you all so, so much for your wonderful comments. It makes it a little easier to know that there are other people out there thinking of me who "get it."

The good news is that I made it to the D & E. The doctor actually opened his schedule to include me today instead of my having to wait over the weekend. I'm so grateful. Last night the cramp (it was really just one constant cramp for the whole afternoon) kind of subsided before bed. Then I woke up at 1 am with a crampy feeling again and was so worried that the miscarriage was starting then.

Luckily, nothing happened last night (except for me lying awake for two hours between 1 and 3.) When I used the bathroom right before my procedure this morning, I got my first brown spotting. Thank God I made it. The tissue will be sent for testing and hopefully it will help us to figure out why I have one perfectly healthy baby but can't seem to have any more.

Bad news

Well, I had my ultrasound today and it would appear that I can now call myself a "Real" infertile. Yes, that's right. My body has successfully killed off its third child in one year.

I had some cramping feelings over the weekend last weekend. I was pretty freaked out, but I was also feeling gassy and bloated, ended up having some gastro-intestinal issues (yes, you know what I mean) and was hoping it was just first trimester bloat.

The ultrasound today showed that the baby had died at 8 weeks (so, over the weekend). Guess the major stomach upset all makes sense now.

The good news is that my insurance will cover chromosomal testing this time because it's a third miscarriage. The bad news is that I'm having cramps right now and I'm so afraid that I'm going to miscarry naturally before tomorrow's D&E. If I do miscarry naturally, no chromosomal testing.

We did learn something new and interesting today. The doctor thinks that they WILL find something through the chromosomal testing. The baby was measuring 8 weeks, but the gestational sac was only measuring something like 6 weeks 4 days. I asked him about the last miscarriage, and he said it was the opposite story. Baby was smaller than the gestational sac. Ideally (in a healthy pregnancy) the sac and the baby should measure the same. That could mean that we have chromosomal issues to deal with which is much scarier than low Progesterone.

Maybe little D is our one miracle baby and he's all there is for us...

Better check those iron levels

** TMI WARNING** This post is not for those with weak stomachs...

So, I've stopped bleeding. I feel a little weird about broadcasting that to anyone who wants to know, but the way I see it my blog would be totally uninteresting to anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage or lost a baby anyway, so you've all been there. So there ya go. Consider yourselves the (third or fourth) to know that it's been about a week and a half since my D & E and I have successfully stopped bleeding.

Of course, in the process of the "spring cleaning" of my uterus, there was one particularly exciting day of cramping, huge clots and lots of gushing blood. I was not expecting that at all and I'll admit that it freaked me out. I'm a pretty level-headed person, but all the "call the doctor immediately if..." lists said that if you passed clots larger than a walnut shell or bled through more than a pad in 1-2 hours, to call in. I called, while sitting on the throne after having lost several major clots, and was asked if I could hold. Can I hold? Suuuuuuuure. Why not? I may be hemorrhaging, but the polite thing to say is "sure." So I was on hold. For 5 minutes and 48 seconds. Are you kidding me? I hung up and called back and my call was luckily answered immediately by someone else and I was NOT asked to hold this time.

I spoke with a nurse for literally 25 minutes (which is when I knew that they were at least a little concerned) and they scheduled me for an ultrasound the next morning at 8:30am. Long story not-that-short, the ultrasound showed that everything looked normal and I had only one clot left, which I then lost a day later.

Now it seems that I've stopped bleeding. That makes me really happy because it gives me hope that my body is now going to begin the process of making my uterus hospitable for another try at a baby. (Of course, we'll wait the recommended one cycle before we try again, but it's a step in the healing process for me.) Keeping my fingers crossed that I *really* get my period in 4-6 weeks...

The end of one thing and the beginning of another

Miscarriage is a strange thing. It's different for everyone, but for me it was like losing something before I ever had it. It's a little like living between two worlds. To me, it wasn't really a "person" yet (we hadn't named it or anything) but at the same time, I feel like I lost something that was part of my family. Does that make any sense? When I think about this baby that will never be, I feel like I want to write a letter to it about how much we loved it and were looking forward to welcoming it to our family. When I think about writing it, I think that maybe I'll write it and then stow it away for when the baby is old enough to understand it. And that's when I remind myself that though there may be other babies, this baby will never be. Note to self: I guess there is a denial stage.

I have a beautiful one year old who is the light of my life. I have a loving husband who I adore and we're living the American dream (dollar by dollar, pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, but living it nonetheless.) We got pregnant the second time without too much effort and were thrilled to watch the ultrasound screen that showed the beautiful and strong heartbeat (160-something beats per minute) at 8 weeks 5 days.

Everything seemed normal to me. I had no bleeding, cramping, or spotting even. I was still having morning sickness, cravings, hormone headaches, and was very, very tired. I was looking forward to the date, a couple of weeks in the future, when I would be moving into my second trimester and would be able to share my happy news with people outside of my family.

Then at the 11 week ultrasound (which I went to alone because it was supposed to be a simple screening for Downs Syndrome), the ultrasound showed that the baby was only 9 weeks 5 days and had no heartbeat. Smack. There it is. This can happen to me too. Not that I EVER took my first baby for granted - I know how fragile life is, and I only breathed a little easier about him when I knew he had passed the cusp of viability. But no matter how much one prepares oneself to potentially be in that 15 -25% (depending on who you're listening to) whose pregnancies end in miscarriage, I don't think you can ever be ready.

So the day after I found out, I was scheduled to leave for a week of vacation in the next state. I thought I could wait until the Monday I came back to have my D & E. My first reaction was maybe to ignore it and "not let it ruin my vacation." Turns out that's a whole lot easier said than done. Grieving is hard enough. Then add the knowledge that once the D & E is done, you'll have to start grieving all over again. My husband and I drove home mid-week and I had the procedure so that I could start moving on.

All that being said, I've been thinking a lot about God lately. I went to church for my entire childhood and was confirmed in junior high. I rarely go to church now, but I still consider myself a believer. So now that the reality of miscarriage is here, I feel at least a little comforted by thinking about the fact that this baby just wasn't meant to be. It sucks that my husband and I had to fall in love with it before it was taken away from us, but I believe in fate. I did not do anything that made this baby die. My body is capable of growing a baby, so that leaves the conclusion that there was something genetically wrong with the baby and it would never have been able to live outside of my body if it had been born. This is the thought that helps me to sleep at night. (Maybe the thought of the Ambien on my bedside table helps me to sleep too, although I haven't taken one yet.)

So where does that leave me? Bleeding. Fun stuff, right? For those who have gone through it, I'm sorry. This is no fun. For me, one of the worst things is that I'm looking forward to trying again, and the timeline seems endless. Bleed for a couple weeks... Get your period within 4-6 weeks... Babies come when they feel like it, I guess, but I was hoping to deliver before or during the summer (I was due in March) so that I wouldn't have to have a newborn in the dead of winter. And did I mention that I should be three months pregnant?

Ironically, I just realized that today is the day. Today is the first day of my would-be second trimester when I should be making excited phone calls to friends and relatives. And instead, it's the one week anniversary of the day that the remainder of the pregnancy was suctioned from my uterus, and I'm sitting here thinking about the timeline. Six weeks brings us to late October. My doctor says I can try again once I get the first normal period (all doctors have different recommendations) so that brings us to November. (That is, if I even get my period within 6 weeks. I read someone's blog last night who has had two miscarriages and both times didn't get her period until the 7th week.)

So IF the stars align, and IF I get my period in the prescribed timeline, and IF we get pregnant easily, MAYBE we'll have an August baby. Hmmm... What will be harder? Grieving the loss of something I never had, or worrying every day about a possible new little person growing inside me? I've been wondering how women who have had "missed" miscarriages (like mine was, with no sign of trouble) can sleep at night carrying another baby without wondering if its little heart still beats in rhythm with hers.