The stuff that dreams are made of

Well, I had another u/s today to check my placenta placement, and it's "a little better" according to the u/s tech. I think she said it's 1.2cm away from the cervix, and the doctor likes to see it 2-3cm away. The tech was still very optimistic that it will correct itself within a few weeks, so it's just wait and see for now. She said that it is considered a "low-lying placenta" rather than a previa as things stand.

On the stats front, I'm 14w5 days today, and the baby's hb was 146. When I was pregnant with D, I first felt kicks (that I was SURE were kicks) on Valentine's day. Since I'm due almost exactly the same day this time, I'm thinking it may be similar with this pregnancy. However, this time I know what I'm looking for, and I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might already be feeling a few little kicks. That would be pretty exciting. I'll update if I decide that I'm right.

I had a tough time finding "doppler's" hb a couple of times recently, which was kind of freaky, but luckily I've been able to find it more easily the past two times. It's now almost directly in the middle, and higher - just below my belly-button.

The night after one of the 10 minute heartbeat searches, I had my first dead baby dream. In the dream, I was pregnant with twins, apparently, and I miscarried them at home, about as far along as I am now (judging from their size.) The dream has had me a little on edge for the past few days, so I'm glad I had the u/s today to see the baby.

For me, the fear just doesn't seem to go away.

Judgement

Am I the only one who feels judged?

I'm nervous about the pregnancy. Really nervous. Every time I feel a pain or a twinge in my abdomen, although I don't immediately freak out about it, I wonder if there's a chance something might be wrong.

I bought the doppler so that I wouldn't have to call the doctor to ask about every little twinge or worse, wait the two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, or however long in between appointments to make sure things are okay.

Why is it that the doppler feels like a dirty little secret? Why do I find myself not wanting to tell the staff at the doctor's office that I have it? Why did I feel judged by my therapist* when I told her I bought it? When someone asks how often I use it, why do I feel like I should answer "every few days" rather than the real answer, which is "at least once every 36 hours."

What's so freaking wrong with it? I'm a mother who has had three miscarriages. Why is it so shocking that I would feel comforted by hearing this baby's heartbeat on a regular basis?

On another note, I sometimes feel like the staff (not the doctor, but some of the medical assistant type people) at my doctor's office could use some miscarriage sensitivity training. The fact that I'm not bawling my eyes out when I tell you that I've had three miscarriages doesn't mean that when you start asking me questions about them that you should sound like you're asking me if I want cream and sugar in my coffee. I know you see women who have had miscarriages on a daily basis, but we're all different. Please put away your cookie cutter and treat me like an individual.

*In my therapist's defense, I think she is concerned about the emotional impact that *not* finding the heartbeat might have on me. Luckily, I've been able to find it every time I've tried so far.

Doppler 101

Yes, I bought a Doppler. I think it will be totally worth it in the end, even though I'm sure I'll have a few freak-outs when baby is turned the wrong way and I can't get a good reading. That's one of the down-sides of having too much information at your fingertips.

I got the Doppler a couple of days ago in the mail, and of course waited until D was in bed so I could have plenty of time to mess around with it without interruption. (T was out late that night or I would have waited for him.) I started very low, and found a beat far over to the left. I was using mode 2, and the rate was jumping around all over the place and didn't sound nearly fast enough to me. (The numbers were ranging from the 110's to the 140's.) I was a little nervous that it didn't sound faster, but figured as long as it was beating, I could be content for the night.

I did a little research yesterday online and found some resources on how to use home Dopplers. I read that there is an artery in your abdomen that can be found with a Doppler that makes a "swishing" noise instead of a galloping noise.

Long story a little shorter, last night I started with the probe right around my bellybutton and slowly went down. I rocked it a little, as the directions suggest, and I eventually found some major horse galloping going on down there, just below my bellybutton, and just a tiny bit to the right. It was NOWHERE NEAR where I had heard the swishing the other night (which I assume was that artery I read about.) This was definitely the little person, and the little person is still alive with a nice fast hearbeat. SCORE.

The moral: If you have your own doppler, and are as clueless as I was at trying to find the heartbeat, I hope this helps. If you're finding a slower beat far to the left (or to the right; I found one there too) it's probably not the baby, at least in early pregnancy.