Not Pregnant, Not Pregnant, Not Pregnant?

I'm sorry for my long absence... The truth is, I just don't have much to say.

I've taken three HPTs over the last three days: all big fat, in your face, digital "not pregnant" results.

However.

I haven't started spotting yet. That's unusual for me. I usually start spotting several days (like four or five) before my period is due because of my progesterone issues. My period is due tomorrow (or today, if we're going by a normal 28 day cycle, but I'm often 29 days.)

So it totally sucks to still be waiting, but I guess it could be worse. I could be spotting.

The thing is, I didn't get a positive test until several days after my period was due when I got pregnant with my son. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

How effed up is this?

The doctor's office called and confirmed that I'm not pregnant, which I already assumed. That's not the fvcked up part.

When I got the call, there was the slightest bit of RELIEF because I thought to myself that it meant that at least for four more weeks or so, I don't have to worry about having a miscarriage.

What a jaded world... is this infertility world that we live in...

I just want to get this show on the road

I took another test this morning and got another negative. Then I got some red spotting later on as well. ON progesterone. (The nurse told me the progesterone would keep me from getting my period, although I had read a few things on the internet about that not always being the case.) Well, SOMEONE has to be the exception to the rule, right?

I called the doctor's office and asked if I could stop the progesterone today and not bother with the blood test because honestly, if I'm going to get my period, I'd rather just get it, you know? They told me to continue, but that I could come in for the blood test today instead of tomorrow. So after D wakes up from his nap, we'll troop off to the lab and do our duty.

By the way, I LOVE the fertility doctor's nurse (same office but different nurse than my regular OB's nurse.) She gets it. She totally gets it, and didn't make me feel like a nutcase for calling again. I actually told her that we might take a month off to avoid Chris.tmas but that I would like to have an appointment with the doctor to ask some questions, and she said that was totally fine.

So anyway, I'm not expecting to have anything interesting to report after the blood work, but I appreciate the support.

I didn't think I was pregnant

I don't feel pregnant. I'm taking this progesterone that's supposed to give me "fake pregnancy symptoms" and honestly, I got nothin'.

The blood test is on Friday, but I'm "supposed" to get my period today (were it not for the progesterone and late ovulation). T is leaving for a "boys' weekend" in Montre.al tomorrow so I was going to test tomorrow morning before he left, but I couldn't wait.

I think I kind of knew it was going to be negative, but I'm kind of disappointed anyway. I'm sort of wishing we'd tried last month even though the doctor said not to. Then we would have had a chance at an October baby. As things stand, we're looking at Christmas.

So I'm still going to take a test tomorrow, still going to take the baby aspirin and progesterone, still going to get the blood drawn on Friday just in case, but I don't think this is my month. And I'm sad. I'm sad in that "dull ache that only a baby can fix" way that we all know so well.


**EDIT** A friend sent this to me today. I'm not catholic, nor am I even all that religious, but it struck a chord with me, and I wanted to share it with the hope that it helps anyone else having a tough time.

St. Theresa's Prayer:
May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.