I thought I was over this freak out business

I thought I had a good handle on my emotions this time (at least relative to the last time.) I've been feeling pretty calm and optimistic since I got my positive test. I've actually NOT been freaking out and running to the bathroom to check my underwear every time I feel that "not so dry feeling" in the nether-regions (because anyone who's been on Prog.esterone suppositories can tell you that it's a fact of life.)

I've had a few days when I've felt almost crampy, but more gassy and bloaty. I consult Dr. Google every. single. time. (As if the answer will change.) Yes, crampy gassy bloaty can be miscarriage, but it can also be totally normal beginning of pregnancy stuff. I've had myself fairly convinced that as long as there's no blood, there's still a baby growing in there.

So of course, this morning when I wiped, there was the teeniest, tiniest streak of red blood. I had a guest here (who is not "in the know") so I couldn't go check my pad every two minutes without looking really odd, so I quietly freaked out for the next half hour or so, making small talk.

I haven't had anything at all since then, but it scared the crap out of me, and it really made me think about this pregnancy. I have often thought to myself when people talk about "giving up" after having a number of miscarriages that I don't think I could do that. I used to think I would do it over and over until it worked, but now I'm not so sure. The fear that this pregnancy might end in a miscarriage has really made me wonder how many more pregnancies I have in me...