The new persona

I decided to create a new e-mail address so that I could make my e-mail public. That way if anyone wants to e-mail with me without having to post their e-mail on my comments, they can. The new e-mail is Wheresmywhitepicketfence@Hotmail.com. I changed my name to "LuckyOnce" so in case you were wondering, I'm the crazy lady who's commenting on your blog like I know you. :)

Doctors and such

Hmmm... Well, I asked someone I know has gone through infertility and IVF to give me the names of some doctors that she researched and found to be highly regarded. (She definitely does her homework so I feel confident in her research.) She gave me two names. One of them is someone who I have already initiated a new appointment with (more on that later) and the second is Dr. N, MY DOCTOR.

She didn't know he was my doctor when she recommended him, so there was no bias. So, for what it's worth, he's apparently good enough so that his name is out there in the community and he's regarded as knowing what he's talking about. That's comforting in many ways.

I'm still planning to see Dr. N (current fertility doctor) for my follow-up and results of the chromosomal testing at the end of July. Then I have an appointment with the new doctor, Dr. G, in August. According to the person I know, she's "as good as they get in terms of a recurrent miscarriage specialist" and " if there's some sort of chromosomal issue, she'll be able to figure it out."

Here's to hoping that's the case.

I forgot to thank you

I couldn't believe it when I cam back from vacation and found a bunch of comments from people that found me through LFCA. I don't know who posted about me on there, but I really appreciate it. I can't really express how touched I was. Thank you.

Back from vacation

Well, it was a good week, all in all. We had rain on Tuesday and Wednesday, but other than that the weather was nice. I was able to relax in the sun, go to the beach one afternoon with D and do some reading. D also got a chance to play with his younger cousin all week, which he really enjoyed. (They both did.)

One of the books I was reading is called "Miscarriage, Medicine, and Miracles." It's a very informative book written by an OBGYN in New York. I've been taking extensive notes throughout it and will be asking my doctor some questions about what I have and have not yet been tested for. I like the fact that the author uses medical terms but also gives the definition of these terms in boxes within the text. Very helpful, especially for flipping back to look something up again.

My bleeding has basically stopped. (I'm writing this mostly as a note for myself.) It's been a fairly uneventful follow-up to the D & E. No fevers, no clotting (yet) and no major cramps or pain. I would say this is the best that my body has handled a D & E so far. There's a possibility that I may still have some bleeding left to do, but if I remember correctly from the last two times, the clotting was about a week after the D & E, and I'm already 10 days past.

In other random news, I was struck by something that Wifey said in a post a few days ago. She just had her sixth miscarriage, and as she put it: "this time around, nobody gets it." That's just how I feel... When you have your first or second miscarriage, the people who know about it send you flowers and cards or at least call or e-mail. They check on you once or twice just to see how you're doing. Have another one? It's like they don't know what to do or say. The first or second time they can try to be comforting. They can say things like, "I bet this was just a fluke" or "I know it will happen for you soon." Not anymore. No one is optimistic anymore. They don't send flowers. They don't send cards. They don't really say anything. I'm not angry about these things, and I don't mean to sound angry. I'm not expecting cards and flowers by any means, but I feel like people might be going by my apparent lack of emotion (no, I'm not bawling in public) and assuming that I'm "okay this time." It's no big deal because it's the third. *sigh*

(**Just to clarify, I'm talking about people in my real life, not in blog land. You guys have been great.**)

In more "I've been gone for a week so I have a lot to say" news, I'm finally going to start looking into other doctors. I'm not making any guarantees that I'll switch, but I'm tired of not feeling 100% confident that they're paying enough attention to my chart.

Lastly, I know it's stupid to do this and I'll probably just end up disappointed again, but I'm ready to put all of my eggs in the Clomid basket (pun intended.) I'm giving my complete confidence to Clomid-the-wonder-drug next time around and hoping that it will do its job and tell my body to make its own Progesterone and ovulate in the middle of my cycle when it's supposed to, without making me a breakthrough in multiple births.

Vacation

I'm heading off tomorrow for a week's vacation. (Good timing, right?)

I didn't mention this before, but my husband's grandmother died on Thursday as well (the same day as my D & E) so it's been a pretty shitty week all in all. We're really ready to get away.

I'm not sure how "restful" our vacation will be, but at least T will be with D an I, and not at work. That's always nice. D adores it when T is around all day, so this will be fun.

I hope everyone has a great week. Thank you again for all your concern. I'm doing okay, and as I know from prior experience, only time can really help with healing. I'll talk to you all next week.

Made it

Thank you all so, so much for your wonderful comments. It makes it a little easier to know that there are other people out there thinking of me who "get it."

The good news is that I made it to the D & E. The doctor actually opened his schedule to include me today instead of my having to wait over the weekend. I'm so grateful. Last night the cramp (it was really just one constant cramp for the whole afternoon) kind of subsided before bed. Then I woke up at 1 am with a crampy feeling again and was so worried that the miscarriage was starting then.

Luckily, nothing happened last night (except for me lying awake for two hours between 1 and 3.) When I used the bathroom right before my procedure this morning, I got my first brown spotting. Thank God I made it. The tissue will be sent for testing and hopefully it will help us to figure out why I have one perfectly healthy baby but can't seem to have any more.

Bad news

Well, I had my ultrasound today and it would appear that I can now call myself a "Real" infertile. Yes, that's right. My body has successfully killed off its third child in one year.

I had some cramping feelings over the weekend last weekend. I was pretty freaked out, but I was also feeling gassy and bloated, ended up having some gastro-intestinal issues (yes, you know what I mean) and was hoping it was just first trimester bloat.

The ultrasound today showed that the baby had died at 8 weeks (so, over the weekend). Guess the major stomach upset all makes sense now.

The good news is that my insurance will cover chromosomal testing this time because it's a third miscarriage. The bad news is that I'm having cramps right now and I'm so afraid that I'm going to miscarry naturally before tomorrow's D&E. If I do miscarry naturally, no chromosomal testing.

We did learn something new and interesting today. The doctor thinks that they WILL find something through the chromosomal testing. The baby was measuring 8 weeks, but the gestational sac was only measuring something like 6 weeks 4 days. I asked him about the last miscarriage, and he said it was the opposite story. Baby was smaller than the gestational sac. Ideally (in a healthy pregnancy) the sac and the baby should measure the same. That could mean that we have chromosomal issues to deal with which is much scarier than low Progesterone.

Maybe little D is our one miracle baby and he's all there is for us...