Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. A lot of people said that my friends are probably all happy for me, and believe me, I really do know that. However, I know that there's also probably some pain there, and I don't want to be the person to cause pain. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not resentful of those people. I really just wish things were different for them. In general, I will continue to wait for them to ask about the baby, and only then will I talk about it.

After I posted that post, I told the women in D's playgroup about the pregnancy. They were all so excited, and I did end up telling them about my losses. It was a really great feeling, and I know that the more people I'm able to tell, the less lonely I will feel.

Later this week, I have my follow-up lev.el II ultras.ound. I'm mostly nervous, but I'm also excited to see the little person again. Praying that everything is okay, and that the baby was just too small and turned in the wrong direction for them to see the "structures" they needed to see the last time. I had a little bit of a tough weekend with worrying about "doppler." It's been moving around and kicking me sometimes, which helps, but yesterday when I was listening on the doppler, the heartrate dipped while I was listening, then shot right back up, and it had me worrying about cord accidents and other fun things. I listened again this morning, and everything sounds fine. The worry just never goes away.

I've been continuing to see my new therapist every three weeks or so, and she's helping me to feel like I'm making normal choices and having normal thoughts. The irony is that we haven't really been talking that much about my pregnancy over the past couple of sessions. We've been talking about a lot of other things that go much deeper, like my relationships, especially with my mom. I've seen two other people in my life, and this woman is head and shoulders above either of them in terms of being helpful. So happy to have her.

Random musings

Have I ever told you that I like to cook? Well, this weather (cool and beautiful, for those of you out of the area) is making me want to cook and bake and generally make a big mess out of my kitchen. Yesterday I made a big vat of homemade spaghetti sauce, pizza from scratch (including the dough) with my sauce, fresh mozzarella, caramelized onions and basil from my garden. Also made some yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting for my hubby to take into work. (Well, except for the few that got lost in the fridge.)

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This is too much info, and it should NEVER come directly after cupcakes, but I think my ye.ast inf.ection is coming back. (And it has nothing to do with the pizza dough. Eeeeeeeww. Did I just say that?) It's only the second one I've had in my life. It was PERFECT timing, if you know what I mean, and now I'm on Progesterone which isn't helping matters. I thought it was gone but I'm afraid it's about to rear its ugly head again.

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I'm afraid I might want to break up with my therapist already. Last week I arrived on time to the waiting room and her office door was open, but I didn't want to just waltz in without being invited. I waited in the waiting room for several minutes with thoughts of what to do and how long to wait running through my head (HELLOOOOOOO, I have anxiety! You need to come get me when you're ready for me.) When I finally walked towards the door and called "hello" she nonchalantly said to come in. I wasted several minutes of my appointment because she didn't come into the waiting room to tell me she was ready for me, and when I explained that I had been waiting for her to come get me, she didn't seem fazed. Plus, I'm not sure she's going to be very helpful to me.

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For those of you who are not in the States, Mich.elle Dugg.ar (from my last post) is on a reality show, and she and her husband have 18 children. They're now pregnant with #19 and they hope to have more. In their defense, they are able to support their children on their own, and they genuinely seem to love them all, but COME ON PEOPLE. God loves children, but he's seen enough of yours.

Positive

I wish.

No, I don't mean a positive test. I mean a positive (for the most part) meeting with the therapist. We didn't really get into more than the tip of the iceberg about a lot of things that I want to eventually talk about, but she seemed to get it.

The one thing that I'm not really excited about (and I'm probably the exception rather than the rule) was that she suggested that I might want to think about asking my doctor for a prescription for Zo.loft. She said that it would help with the anxiety. I may need that at some point, (like when/if I get pregnant) but for now, I really just want to talk.

I'm not sure if I feel happy that she thinks I'm messed up enough to need an anti-depressant (meaning that I'm really not crazy, and someone else thinks that I'm sadder than a normal person should be) or if I'm a little put off by the fact that she's almost trying to throw drugs at me to even me out and make her job easier.

So, anyone have any experience with Zo.loft or other anti-depressants? Any thoughts? (You can send me a private e-mail at wheresmywhitepicketfence@hotmail.com if you'd rather not talk about it in the comments.)

Another one

So, another person in my "real life" announced that she was pregnant the other day. 8 weeks. With her third.

Now, I'm being totally honest when I say that I'm okay with it (I really am) but it got me thinking again about how people think that miscarriage can't happen to them. I mean, I was sort of there before my first miscarriage. I never took pregnancy for granted the first time around, (and we certainly didn't announce to the world until the second trimester) but I went through it figuring that things were fine unless I was told otherwise.

Announcing when she's eight weeks to acquaintances? Her neighbor? I dunno. It just seems so early. I mean, I could have announced at (what I thought was) eight weeks the last three times. Perhaps not a good idea.

I've been thinking about going back to therapy. I went for just a few sessions last year (before any of my miscarriages), and I wouldn't go back to the same person, but I think I might need someone to talk to right now. I've been feeling pretty anxious lately. The other day, D woke up really early and I left him in his crib for a little while and he eventually fell back asleep. He still wasn't awake by 8:30 and I honestly ended up having to go in and wake him up because I was worried that he might have strangled himself with his blanket. I mean... really people. He's two. If he starts cutting off his own air supply, odds are he'll be able to adjust his sleeping position with no problem.

But I've been thinking about that recently - especially with regard to T and D. I've been worrying (fleeting thoughts usually) that something is wrong with them/something has happened to them. I have this crazy irrational fear that they're going to be taken away from me. (I was starting to go on, but I'm going to just cut myself off on that one so that you people don't think I'm too crazy.)

There are other things I have anxiety about too. New situations. Driving to new places. Being late for things. Meeting new people. Feeling like I'm not feeling the "right way" about my losses or about the reasons for them.

Prior to my OB appointments, (like hours prior when I start thinking about it) my heart starts beating fast and I have to get myself to calm down. Maybe that's a little more understandable.

So here's what this all boils down to.

I guess the reason I'm thinking therapy might be a good idea is that I don't think I'm prepared for another pregnancy in my current mental state. Wait, that's not exactly right. I'm SO ready for another pregnancy. I guess what I mean is that I would like to be better equipped to deal with the stresses I'm up against this time around.

Bleh. I hope I get my period soon. We're not trying right away, but I'd like to know about when I can expect my period the NEXT time around so there's something else to look forward to.