Just when you thought you knew what was going on

Remember how we just found out that T has Kline.felter Syndrome? Well, it turns out that he DOESN'T have it after all. We met with the genetic counselor today, who was awesome. (She's at the hospital with the NEW doctor, so that's good.)

So here's the deal: We were told last week by T's doctor and by my doctor's office that T has an extra chromosome, and when I said "Kline.felter Syndrome" the nurse at my doctor's office confirmed it. (I didn't witness the call from T's doctor, but T said he "mentioned" Kline.felter.) From those two sources, I assumed that was what we were dealing with.

It turns out that T has an extra Y chromosome, not an extra X chromosome, which is completely different, and is NOT a reason for miscarriage or infertility. In fact, the only implication it has at all, according to the genetic counselor, is that people with XYY Karyotype tend to be tall, which T is. No research has shown it to be passed on to future generations, so the last embryo that had XXY is back to being a complete fluke.

The genetic counselor said that they did not get a copy of the chromosomal report on the embryo, so she offered to call to get a copy. (Thank you jesus. No more phone calls to that office, please.) She wants to look at it because she said that "XXY alone is not a reason for miscarriage."

Where are we now? T is effectively out of the equation again, and we're back to having no idea what's causing the miscarriages. I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. G tomorrow, during which I expect her to say that she has no idea what's going on and we have to try again and see what happens.

I'm so relieved for T because I think he was pretty weirded out at the thought of being diagnosed with this strange "syndrome" as an adult that hadn't affected him at all throughout his life. However, I'm frustrated that we thought we had at least an answer and maybe a plan, and now we're back to square one.

Priceless

After all of this sh*t and this sh*t, all of my blood results are in (and normal, including anti-cardiolipin) EXCEPT for my Karyotype, which my primary care is now saying they have NO RECORD of ever drawing.

Un-f*cking-believable.

UPDATE: My awesome nurse (at the new doctor's office) called directly into the lab and they DID have the results, and my chromosomes are normal. 46.

I'm not feeling lucky

The longer this process of conceiving a second live baby goes on, the more I wonder if I've got it all wrong. Maybe instead of being UN-lucky, we're actually incredibly LUCKY.

Now that we know that T has Klinefe.lter, we know that his chance of being fertile AT ALL was only between 1 and 5%. On our first try, we conceived a perfect little person, and feel so incredibly blessed to have him. It's pretty amazing.

But here's the problem. I don't feel lucky. I mean, I feel SO lucky to have D, but my overall feeling is not that I'm lucky. I feel petty and insensitive (to those still waiting for their first) and I feel greedy... The thought that we're lucky to have one nags in the back of my head and makes me feel like a horrible b*tch. I feel like a child who only got one present on Christmas and her parents are telling her to suck it up. "That's all you get. Live with it." Sure, I love my one present, but why can't I just be like a lot of the other kids who get as many presents as they want?

I want to be the little Mary Sunshine who feels lucky for what she has, but I'm not. I'm sad for me and for T that things aren't easier. I'm not proud of it, but that's the way it is.

I found a great article on secondary infertility that I wanted to share with you guys, both for those who are going through it too, as well as those who might want to step into a "secondary infertile's" head for a minute. One line that really expresses the way that I think a lot of secondary infertiles probably feel is this: "Typically we feel guilty that our one, always beloved, child 'is not enough’; we feel frustrated at our own bodies and relationships because something we achieved once cannot be repeated." The article is very well written, and very similar to the way I'm feeling.

P.S. Loved the comments on my last "Faceb.ook" post. I might have to make that a weekly post... :)

What if Face.book updates were how we REALLY feel?

LuckyOnce is freaking out about what the future may bring.

LuckyOnce if effing glad that she got her period today.

LuckyOnce is thinking about getting s**tfaced.

LuckyOnce doesn't feel lucky at all.

Not what we were expecting

I have some results back from the genetics testing, and they're not at all what I was expecting. We're being referred to a genetics counselor because as it turns out, my husband's sperm might be the problem.

It turns out that he has an extra X chromosome. If you remember my post about the chromosomal testing on the last embryo I miscarried, the embryo had Kli.nefelter's Syndr.ome.

We just found out that my husband does too.

Now what's strange about this is that he doesn't have almost any of the normal Klin.efelter's symptoms except that he is taller than his father and brother, and clearly, there may be an issue with his sperm. What's really weird is that he is NOT infertile (as evidenced by our two year old.) But that's a biggie in Klinefe.lter's. Between 95 and 99% of males with Klinef.elter's are infertile.

However, from everything I've read, Klinef.elter's is NOT hereditary, so it's apparently a total coincidence that our last embryo had it?

I'm going to be very interested to see what the genetics counselor has to say. I'm guessing that our next step is probably selecting sperm. And IVF...

Random musings

Have I ever told you that I like to cook? Well, this weather (cool and beautiful, for those of you out of the area) is making me want to cook and bake and generally make a big mess out of my kitchen. Yesterday I made a big vat of homemade spaghetti sauce, pizza from scratch (including the dough) with my sauce, fresh mozzarella, caramelized onions and basil from my garden. Also made some yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting for my hubby to take into work. (Well, except for the few that got lost in the fridge.)

*************************************************************************
This is too much info, and it should NEVER come directly after cupcakes, but I think my ye.ast inf.ection is coming back. (And it has nothing to do with the pizza dough. Eeeeeeeww. Did I just say that?) It's only the second one I've had in my life. It was PERFECT timing, if you know what I mean, and now I'm on Progesterone which isn't helping matters. I thought it was gone but I'm afraid it's about to rear its ugly head again.

*************************************************************************

I'm afraid I might want to break up with my therapist already. Last week I arrived on time to the waiting room and her office door was open, but I didn't want to just waltz in without being invited. I waited in the waiting room for several minutes with thoughts of what to do and how long to wait running through my head (HELLOOOOOOO, I have anxiety! You need to come get me when you're ready for me.) When I finally walked towards the door and called "hello" she nonchalantly said to come in. I wasted several minutes of my appointment because she didn't come into the waiting room to tell me she was ready for me, and when I explained that I had been waiting for her to come get me, she didn't seem fazed. Plus, I'm not sure she's going to be very helpful to me.

**************************************************************************

For those of you who are not in the States, Mich.elle Dugg.ar (from my last post) is on a reality show, and she and her husband have 18 children. They're now pregnant with #19 and they hope to have more. In their defense, they are able to support their children on their own, and they genuinely seem to love them all, but COME ON PEOPLE. God loves children, but he's seen enough of yours.

19 kids and counting

Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child.

That is all.