How this mama prepares for labor

One of my good friends got a pedicure a few days before her c-section a few years ago. I thought to myself, "BRILLIANT!" and vowed to do the same when I got towards the end of my pregnancy. I took a gamble and scheduled a haircut, highlights, and brow wax for last Friday, and a pedicure for last Saturday. Now mama has her hair 'did, and her toes 'did, and her brows un-bush-ified, and she's ready to party! (And I managed to not go into labor before those appointments!!)

Thanks to everyone who commented about my last post. So far, ignoring the e-mail altogether has worked... And my MIL actually has D for the whole day today so that I can get some things done. She really does have her good points... :)

I just got back from my 39 and 4 days appointment. Cervix is STILL long and closed. OY. My blood pressure was a tad bit high today (130-something over 80). The doctor is sending me for a non-stress test on Friday, and then I'm scheduled for another appointment next Tues (40 and 4) AND scheduled for an induction on Wednesday if the little one hasn't thrust me into spontaneous labor by then. I really didn't want to pass my due date, but I feel better knowing that I'll have an NST on Friday. They also made sure during the u/s today that my fluid is still fine and the placenta looks good too. Oh, and she's measuring 8 lbs. 1 oz. right now, so if that's right, she's gonna be a bigger babe than my little guy, who was only 7 lbs. 8 oz. at birth.

I have been having some Braxton Hicks contractions, so I'm kind of hoping they might turn into the real thing... My doctor is not on call this weekend, and my son's birthday is on Sunday, so if I was a betting woman, I would put money down that I'll end up having her Sunday, just because that's the one day I'd kind of like to avoid if I can. Time will tell.

Here's today's belly shot. Hopefully this is about as big as the belly will get. More stretch marks this time than with D, and I'm ready to stop growing!

Not all peaches and cream

The business end: Yesterday's appointment was great. The baby is doing great, and doesn't look like she has any intention of coming out any time soon. (Cervix is still over 3 cm long and closed.) My blood pressure was 120/70 (even though I had way too much salty food this weekend at D's birthday party!)

Okay, so now that that's out of the way, I have to take a moment to talk about my MIL. I usually don't because you just never know who might be reading, but... OY. She ADORES my hubby, and my son. Those things are very important to me. (And she's nice to me most of the time too, but gets VERY irritated/sulky/huffy when she doesn't get her way.) Most of the time she means well, but SHE NEEDS A HOBBY. She has way too much time to think about other people's lives and about what they should be doing/what they're doing wrong. She gets things into her head and can't let go of them. As just one example, she's been asking about where the baby will sleep practically since I announced my pregnancy. We have a 3 bedroom, and we're planning to eventually have D and the baby share a room so we can keep our guest room. This doesn't seem to be the answer she wants since she keeps asking the same question over and over thinking the answer might change.

She also has it in her mind that she wants to have some sort of party at her house (in our honor) after the baby is born. She was calling it a baby shower, but I told her I really don't want another baby shower. I already had one for D, and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to bring gifts. She backed off of the "shower" idea and said she would "make it clear in the invitation that gifts were not expected." This would be okay, but she wants to invite all of my family (extended included) as well as her own to "meet the baby." Ummmm... My family will already have met the baby... I'm not really sure why this is necessary. Why not just invite YOUR family? And in case you're thinking "what's the big deal? She's just excited, and wants to honor you." I KNOW. It makes me feel terrible that I am so ANTI party, but here's the thing. She is envisioning something in Mid August beginning with a brunch, then golfing for any of the guys who want to go (5 hours minimum) and then a BBQ in the afternoon. So we're talking about something in the realm of NINE hours. So I'm already stressed out about the idea of handling two kids, while trying to breastfeed one of them, having been unsuccessful at breastfeeding the first. The LAST thing that I want to do is spend NINE or more hours away from the comfort of my own house with a one month old. I was really hoping that she would drop it, (sometimes she does that) but it seems like she's really gung ho about this one. She asked me for about the third time to come up with a list of people I want to invite (including phone numbers and addresses) before things get more hectic.

I talked to my therapist about the whole situation, and she suggested that I tell her that I just couldn't think about it now, but my MIL is VERY sensitive, and I just don't want to cause waves before the baby is born. I'm hoping I can just ignore her e-mail and let it die for now. Blah.

So close

I can't believe that in about two weeks, I'll be giving birth again. 38 weeks tomorrow, and still feeling good. I have found that I have to be realllllly careful about not drinking too late at night (as in, no big glasses of any liquid after about 6:30) so that I don't wake up to pee. I had another night when I was awake for over an hour after getting up to pee, and I don't want a repeat performance of that. It would be one thing if I could sleep in, but with an almost-three-year-old who wakes up around 6:15, that's not an option!

My appointment and U/S was great this week. Baby's size jumped back up into the 63rd percentile, and they're estimating that she weighs about 7lbs. 5oz. now. HOLY MOLY. Hope she doesn't gain a pound a week for the next two weeks! EEK! My blood pressure was 120/80, so I have high hopes that maybe all of our planning for high blood pressure this time might have been unwarranted. That would be awesome! So far, my cervix is still long and closed. I had a few Braxton Hicks contractions yesterday that weren't painful, but I've had some shooting pains in the nether-regions and down my legs which are indicative of the baby hitting nerves as she gets her head more into position.

The doctor mentioned that if I don't go into labor on my own by my 39 week appointment, "we'll talk about what to do." I'm taking that to mean that he's open to an induction rather than letting me go past my due date. Because of my high anxiety with regard to passing my due date, I'm happy to be induced, particularly since I've done it before and had a good experience.

This weekend, we're celebrating D's 3rd birthday with close family on the 4th of July. His birthday isn't until the 18th, but I'll probably be a little busy then, and we decided that it would be good to get it in before the baby is born! (Hard to believe that he's going to be 3!)

We've finally narrowed down our baby name choices to two definites and one probable contender. I feel very strongly that I need to see her before we name her, so we won't make the final decision until B-day.

Guess that's pretty much it for now.

OH, I almost forgot. For those ladies in the home stretch of their pregnancies, you should check out ContractionMaster.com which is a free website on which you can time your contractions with your computer. It looks awesome, and I'm definitely going to use it if I go into labor spontaneously.

The list

Still chipping away at the list. FINALLY sent in my check and request for official copies of D's birth certificate. (We have the one that they gave us in the hospital, but that's it.) Yes, he will be THREE in July. I know. So that's done.

Paid off T's car this week. :) I'm super-duper into money management and not overspending/ living within our means. This step makes me so happy. When we got married, T had lots of debt, which I fixed within a couple of year's time. We now have only T's school loan from his Master's degree and our mortgage left. That's it. SO excited.

Called our cable/phone/internet company and told them that having my bill go up $75 in three years (without adding anything) wasn't going to work for me. Removed one tier of special channels (like Discovery Health which I LOVE for the blood and guts shows, along with some free movie channels) and our bill dropped by almost FORTY dollars! She said she moved us into a new "bundle" which gave us discounts on our other services. This call has been on my mental list for about a year and a half. I've been putting it off because I'll miss those channels, but only every once in a while. Procrastinate much?

Baby update:

Had an u/s yesterday and she's still vertex. Yay! My blood pressure was 112/80, which is still okay. In my pregnancy with D, 36 weeks was when my BP started to climb at the end, so I'm excited to make it through another appointment with no major rise. My ankles are a tiny bit swollen, but my pee-in-a-cup was still protein free, so we're good for now!

I can't complain too much about how I'm feeling now. I have a long torso, so I'm still pretty comfotable most of the time. HOWEVER. Sleep is getting much more difficult. I have to get up to pee around 2:30 every night, which is no big deal, but I'm having a lot of trouble falling back asleep after that. About 4 of the last 5 nights, I've been unable to fall back to sleep for like TWO HOURS after I get up. :( Then T wakes up for work 30-45 minutes after I fall asleep, and D wakes up to begin his (ummm... make that our) day a short while after that. That is no fun.

35 1/2 weeks and thoughts on healing

Today was my weekly check-up and ultrasound. Everything still looks good, and my blood pressure is fine at 120/70. The ultrasound tech asked if the baby has been measuring small, because she was measuring around the 30th percentile today. She hasn't been, so that was a little worrisome, but the tech also said that for some reason, most of her people had been measuring small today, so we'll check her again in two weeks and make sure she's back on track.

Amniotic fluid is fine, heartbeat is in the 150s and she's practice breathing like crazy. She's been quite active, but I can tell that she's getting bigger because her movements are much more smooth rather than punchy (less room to move around.) According to the tech's measurements, she's about 5 lbs. 8 oz. now, which is only three ounces more than two weeks ago. (Of course, the weight is only an estimate.)

I asked them to look at the heart again because as you may remember, they weren't able to see everything all together at the Lev.el II u/s, the follow-up u/s, or the 32 week survey. The tech said today that everything looks perfect that she can see, so that's a relief.

Oh, I almost forgot... She's still vertex (head down)!!! And she doesn't seem to have moved position much since last week, so maybe she's done flipping. Maybe. :)

********************
I mentioned to T last night that this month marks two years since the beginning of my second pregnancy (my first miscarriage.) Two years. He was a little taken aback by that number because, you know, boys don't really ponder crap like that. On my way home from the doctor's office today, I teared up thinking about my three miscarriages. That show of emotion was just enough to remind me of the bond I have with most of you. We may go on to have babies after all of our troubles, and most of our family and friends may assume that that makes everything we went through to get there "ok," but there will always be a place in our hearts and minds where the pain and trauma is fresh, and the memory will not ever completely fade away.

And the gymnastics continue...

34 w 4 d and baby girl is back to head down position. I'm not going to waste my time celebrating this time, since she's been in a different position every week for the past three weeks. She is definitely a monkey. Last night I sat on the sofa and watched my belly move for a good three hours. It's amazing how fascinating that can be. I had a pretty good idea that she had flipped just from the types of kicks and movements I was feeling and where I was feeling them. I also think she had the hiccups last night for a while, which I love. :)

My blood pressure was 110/68 today!! I guess maybe I do have some control over it (damnit) and all of the left side sleeping, sodium controlling, and feet elevating have been helping. (I just say damnit because I don't like doing any of those things...)

Baby's biophysical profile is 8/8 again, so she's doing really well. I'm still feeling great, too.

Now on a completely different topic, I went to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago, and decided that I needed to start talking to her about the "after." (No, I haven't packed a hospital bag, and no, we don't have any definite names picked out, but I'm starting to really realize that 5 1/2 weeks isn't very long, and "after" is coming up very soon!)

I am so thrilled that we have a baby girl coming home in a little more than a month, but the truth is, I'm scared. I've raised a newborn. I know what it's like. I know that I don't cope well with sleep deprivation. I know that breastfeeding is very hard. I know that people who have had postpartum depression once are likely to have it again.

I was very glad to have a chance to talk these fears over with my therapist. Of course there's nothing she can really say to reassure me that everything will be fine. It will be hard. I will feel overwhelmed sometimes. However, it's nice to know that I've voiced these fears to someone who will ask me about them after the baby's born, and probe to make sure that things are being addressed if they need to be. For one thing, she said to bring up my postpartum depression fears with my doctor before I deliver, so that he will be aware of it, and if I need medication, he will be on top of it. (I'm not good at admitting defeat in the moment, so having someone who knows what to look for ahead of time will be helpful.)

38 days (or so) until I get to find out how everything pans out...

Breech

Little booger flipped around again. Now we get to hope (again) that she'll decide to flip one more time and then STAY there!! I seriously have no idea how I could miss feeling her turn, but I really didn't know she had turned.

My BP was 118/80, and my weight is still holding steady at a net gain of about 12-15 pounds, depending on whose scale you're looking at.

Baby's weight is around 5 lbs. 3 oz. and she has long legs, but a smallish head circumference. (That works for me!!)

The BPP (Biophysical profile) today was great. She scored 8/8, so she's doing great. My cervix is still closed, and I've been noticing some of the pains that I remember so well from my pregnancy with D. The familiar pains are the ones where I feel like she is either stomping on or poking my cervix. Very comfy, as you can imagine.

I'm feeling well, aside from having a little trouble getting comfortable to sleep. I tend to get tired in the afternoon, but still feel great most mornings.

I got a huge box of hand-me-down baby girl clothes from a friend, and I washed the newborn and 0-3 month ones so they're all ready to go... I can't believe how real this is getting.

Pink

I've been holding out on you...

Truth is, I found out at my first regular OB appointment after the amnio that we're having a

GIRL!

I'm so, so thrilled, and it's been a pain to refer to the baby as "it" or "the baby" on here, so there ya go... We are also telling everyone in our real lives that we know the sex already. Just easier that way.

D doesn't completely get the whole concept of the fact that a baby will be coming to live with us, but he does often ask me when I pat my tummy, "you have a sister in your belly?" He also says hi to my tummy randomly, so maybe he gets it more than I think. :)

I'm 32 weeks and 3 days today. I had a long ultrasound today which the OB's office called a "survey" ultrasound, where they took a look at all of her organs again, just to check for any red flags one more time. Unfortunately, they weren't able to see all of the chambers of the heart because she was turned the wrong direction (and the heart was also what they were having trouble viewing during the Lev.el II Ultrasound) so I was kind of bummed. However, both u/s techs said that they didn't see anything that raised any red flags, so hopefully we just have an uncooperative baby when it comes to viewing the heart. (We know it has 4 chambers... They were able to see that at the lev.el II, so that's reassuring!)

I'm feeling really good still. I had a little bit of swelling in my ankles last weekend (for the first time during this pregnancy) after a long day of yardwork and such, but I'm hoping that was just because of all the standing and walking around that day.

My blood pressure at the doctor's office today was 120/80. BOO! It seems that it may be creeping up, although it's still in the "normal" range right now. I was told to try to always lie on my left side, drink lots of water, and avoid sodium as much as possible. I'm going to try to pay more attention to all of those things and hope that I can keep that BP down!

In other news, as of the last two weeks, it would appear that I've popped...

31 Weeks

Just had an ultrasound this morning. Baby decided to flip! (Yay!) I know it can still potentially flip back to breech, but the more appointments from here on out that it's facing the right direction, the better.

Baby's weight: Over 4 pounds now! I keep reading that they should be over three pounds by this week, but the u/s tech assured me that the baby is still on track to be around 7.5 or 8 pounds.

My weight: Holding steady for the past few weeks (after my gluttonous vacation!) Today I think I was down one pound from last week, but my appointment was also first thing in the morning, so I'm not really counting that. If I gain a pound a week from here on out, I'll end up at about the same weight as I was when I delivered D.

Blood pressure: 114/80. The person who took the BP asked if I had coffee this morning (and I did) so I'm hoping the coffee right before the blood pressure reading was the reason the diastolic was higher than normal.

Movement: Baby was very active all day yesterday, but then when I lay down at night (when it usually does its little boogie routine) it was very quiet. Just a couple of jabs. It was also fairly quiet this morning. Of course that made me nervous, but the u/s was fine. (Baby scored 8/8 on its biophysical profile.) The NP (nurse practitioner) gave me a kick count instruction sheet which now has me much more nervous than I even was before. For instance, it says that babies may sleep for 60 minute periods, and this is normal. I feel like both of my babies (the successful pregnancies) had/have longer periods of time when they're quiet than 60 minutes. Should I be worried all day, every day?? Pregnancy was so much more fun the first time when I was ignorant...

Preparation: We've been buying some diapers... slowly allowing ourselves to believe that this baby will be coming home with us in July. My husband wants me to pack a bag for the hospital (which is only about 15 minutes from home) but I told him that if the baby comes this early, I'm going to be worried about a lot of other things much more than whether I have deodorant or a change of clothes with me.

Appointment update

I had an appointment today at the OB's office, and everything is still looking good. Here's the 411 in bullet form:

28 weeks 5 days

Position: Still breech, but lots of time left to turn. (*Crossing fingers*)

Weight: A little over 2.5 pounds (estimated to be about 7.5 lbs by birth)

My weight: I gained a little "extra" weight on my vacation with T, but I'm back down to a net gain of about 10 pounds from my starting weight. (That's a gain of about 15 or 16 pounds from my "morning sickness low.")

Blood pressure: Around 116/75 {the first reading was around 128/80, which is higher than it's been for the whole pregnancy so I was a little nervous because of my history of PIH (Pregnancy induced hypertension) but when the NP took it about 5 minutes later, it was back to my "normal."}

Cervix: Long (5 cm) and closed

1 Hour Glucose: Normal (Yay! No 3 hour test, and no gestational diabetes!)

The one stinky thing about the baby being breech is that its head has already started to dig into my ribs when I sit down, so it's going to be a long 11 1/2 more weeks if it doesn't do a flip for me!

Boring update

Didn't that title just pull you right in? I should be in journalism or something.

The truth is, this is boring. I'm still sick. The Amm.oxicillin is not working as well as I had hoped. I still have the sinus headache. I still can't breathe through my nose, especially when I sleep, which means waking up every. single. day. for a week and a half straight with my mouth so dry that it feels like it's cracking inside. (I'm thinking the Ammox. might be dehydrating me too, because I've been craving water like a camel.)

Called this morning and left a message with my PCP that I'm still sick, so she called in a prescription for Zithr.omax. Hopefully THIS one will work! D is feeling much better, which is awesome, however he now has waaaaaaay more energy than I do again, which makes spending the day with him very tiring! (Still glad he's not sick anymore, though.)

I have an OB appointment this week, and I don't have an ultrasound scheduled at this one. It's kind of strange. It's the very first time that I will go to the office and NOT have an u/s and I'm sort of wondering what the heck we're going to do! Of course, I remember many appointments with D when my OB just used the doppler to check on D, so I assume that this OB will do the same, but this feels like a very "run of the mill pregnancy" kind of thing to do... An appointment with no pictures? How novel!

In other news...

I am 9w5d today. Providing I make it through today, I will officially be further along than I made it with any of my miscarriages.

I had a little freak-out on Sunday. I had a minimal amount of brown discharge, and a few veeeeeeery small pink streaks mixed in with my cm when I wiped. I happened to be at my BIL and SIL's house at the time, and it was all I could do to keep my composure until we left, at which point, I of course burst into tears. The answering service at my ob's office told me to go to the ER to get checked out because of my history, and thank goodness, everything was fine. Baby was measuring 9w1d by their u/s, with a heart rate of 180. No real reason for the pink.

I'm still nervous about the pink, but I had another doctor's appointment yesterday and baby was measuring 9w4d with a heartrate of 176. All good. No more pink since Sunday. The doc sent me to get a Rhogam shot just in case (since I'm Rh-).

Remember how disenchanted I was with my last doctor? Can I just tell you how much I LOVE this doctor? "Why don't we see you in two weeks for another u/s, and then we'll do the nuchal scan 2 weeks after that?" He reassured me that they would be checking me all the time throughout the whole pregnancy, which made me feel so much better. I don't want to be the crazy obsessive prego who's running in for an u/s for every little twinge, but frankly, I'M STILL FREAKED OUT. Hard to convince yourself that "everything will be fine" after so many losses.

As a reminder that there are no guarantees, an uber-fertile friend of mine who has three kids (who had one prior blighted ovum in between #2 and #3) just went in for her 18 week u/s with #4 and found out that the baby had stopped growing at 13 weeks. I can't even imagine. I really feel like it must almost feel like a stillbirth to her. I mean, the baby was only 13 weeks, but in her mind, she was almost halfway through the pregnancy. No guarantees, ladies... no matter how "fertile" you may be.

Little sucker is growing

I had another u/s today (the one that was actually scheduled as the follow-up to the first one.) Baby's hb is up to 162 (yay!) and it's measuring right on schedule at 7 weeks, 6 days. Believe it or not, I had an EXTERNAL ultrasound today! (This is my first since the one where I found out about my first m/c). The tech said that it was probably a little early, but there it was. It actually looked a little bigger than 7w6d, more like 8w2d, but she said that variation can be normal because the measurements aren't exact. Something that I find funny is that they have yet to take my weight, blood pressure, or make me pee in a cup. Is that just because most people don't have their first appointment until 8 weeks?

After the u/s, the doctor was like "well, everything looks good, so let's schedule you for the 12 week nuchal fold scan." *Panic ensues* That would be after Christmas, and while I feel like things are going well this time, I just can't bear the thought of waiting four weeks for another ultrasound. I had two of my three miscarriages in that window.

I asked if there was any way I could have another u/s sooner, and the doctor (who I still love) said, "sure, let's schedule one for two weeks." That will still be before the 9 week, 5 day mark when I lost the first one, (my latest loss) but at least there should (hopefully) be an inkling by that time if anything doesn't look right. As of right now, the measurements are great. The embryo and the sac are measuring the same, and right on target (really a little ahead.) The heart rate is right where we want it to be.

I am feeling very, very blessed right now.

Quick update

We've passed our first hurdle!

I love, love, love the new doctor so far, so I'm SO excited about that.

I am exactly 6 weeks today, per my lmp (last menstrual period).

The embryo (just one) is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day, and the sac is measuring right on target at 6 weeks 1 day as well. The size of the yolk was good. (If it's too big, that's a bad thing.) There are no hematomas (YAY).

The heartbeat is only 117, which makes me nervous, but I'm willing to be still cautiously optimistic. The doctor said that anything above 110 has only a 1-2% chance of miscarriage (in a normal person, of course.) He said that he's not worried about it. The hb can be lower in the beginning of pregnancy and significantly rise within a couple of weeks.

I have another ultrasound next week (YAY again!) and we'll be hoping for the heartbeat to be up to 140-150 bpm.

Chromosomal Testing results

I had my doctor's appointment today with Dr. N (the regular fertility guy, as opposed to the new one I'm seeing in two weeks.)

The chromosomal tests from the embryo are back, and the winner is...

Kleinfelter's syndrome. This is a rare chromosomal abnormality where there are 47 chromosomes instead of 46 - so, an extra X chromosome (so the embryo was an XXY rather than an XX or XY.) In case anyone is interested and knows a little more about this stuff, this is an extra chromosome, rather than a broken chromosome, which bodes better for our chances in the future.

Fetuses with Kleinfelter's syndrome can go to full term and lead (relatively) normal lives. However, it is a sex chromosome disorder and as such, it would have meant that the baby would not only have had some female characteristics as it went through puberty, but the syndrome almost always causes infertility. It's hard enough to be a kid in the world without being "different," but infertility on top of that - (obviously not an issue until much later in life) is something I would never wish on anyone.

That being said, even though I'm still sad to have miscarried, I'm definitely comforted by the thought that this particular miscarriage occurred because it was supposed to happen. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I still believe that the human body in general miscarries babies because they were not formed correctly. (No disrespect to people who have different beliefs.)

The good news is that according to Dr. N, this was a fluke occurrence. Apparently, Kleinfelter's syndrome is not hereditary so he sees no reason for us not to just "try again." He seems to think that we have just been really unlucky in rolling the dice. I'm not completely satisfied with that answer, but as far as he is concerned, we (my husband and I) should not have any chromosomal issues ourselves because if we did, we wouldn't have produced a normal child the first time.

So on we go to the new specialist in a couple of weeks. Now that we have the chromosomal tests back, I'll have much more interesting information to chat about with her. I'm really looking forward to getting a fresh perspective and seeing if the new doctor might see something that my current doctor might be missing.

Oh, and one thing that might be of interest to anyone taking a calcium supplement: I read in that book I was talking about a couple of weeks ago that Vitamins A and D can accumulate in your system and can contribute to miscarriage. Many calcium supplements have Vitamin D added to them, so if you're taking calcium, you should look for one without the added Vitamin D.

Next steps: Dr. G in two weeks, and then Clomid for our next cycle.

Decisions, Decisions

One of my coping mechanisms is planning ahead to the next step.

I've already said that I want to start TTC again right away.

However.

Now I'm getting cold feet. There are so many factors. One is waiting for my period. There's no telling when it will show up. From experience, it's been just under 5 weeks and just under 6 weeks. Another (connected with when my period shows up) is the doctor's appointments I have scheduled.

My appointment with Dr. N is the last week of July, and Dr G (the new specialist) is the second full week of August. I almost definitely won't have gotten my period by the time I see Dr. N, but I may well get it before my appointment with Dr. G.

I'm planning to start Clomid during the next cycle when we TTC. The complicated part is that we need to decide by day 3 of my cycle if we're going to start the Clomid or not (as all of you Clomid veterans know.) The biggest problem with that is that I don't know if Dr. G is going to want to run any tests that require my body to be clean of all those awesome hormones.

I'm not good at waiting. Then again, I'd definitely prefer to have a baby one month later than lose another one because of something that turns out to be treatable if I had just waited one more month.

So I look to you, oh wise bloggers... What would you do? Any insight on tests they might run and whether I will have to be drug free for them to work?

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is BITCH on my blog. I'm actually a pretty happy person most of the time. (Really.) I guess I use this space to bitch about stuff that I can't (or won't) share with people in real life.

So my husband and I have an appointment on Tuesday with a fertility specialist. I think we're going over our histories (nothing exciting for either of us really) and getting some preliminary blood work. I called my insurance company to ask what would be covered by insurance, and I seriously got the third degree.

Insurance woman: (confirms address, phone, etc.) Dr. J---- still your primary care?

Me: No, I changed to Dr. A---.

Insurance Woman: *exasperated* We can't change that until the first of the month.

Me: Okay.

Insurance Woman: *annoyed* WHY did you change doctors?

Me: Ummm... (Now getting annoyed, because what the hell business is it of hers?) Because I moved.

Insurance Woman: Oh. Is the doctor in our network?

Me: Not sure.

Insurance Woman: *audible sigh* I have to check. Hold please.

Me: (waiting and now getting agitated and upset at how short she's being with me)

Insurance Woman: Okay, change to the new primary care is effective as of the 15th.

Me: (Thinking, "you just said it had to wait until the first of the month, but whatever.")

Insurance woman: Now what do you need?

Me: I'm just trying to find out if my appointment with Dr. N------ (fertility doctor) is covered by insurance.

Insurance woman: *Starting to scold me for some other heinous insurance crime that I've committed*

Me: *on the verge of tears and starting to raise my voice* I'm sorry, can you PLEASE just be a little patient with me. (*start verbal diarrhea*) I JUST had a miscarriage last week, and I had another one in September, so I really just need you to be patient with me and I need your HELP to find out if my insurance covers the appointment with the fertility doctor.

Insurance Woman: *MUCH nicer* Yes, sure. *MUCH slower and calmer, and a WHOLE new tone to her voice* Okay, blah blah blah (goes through the initial info). Would you like me to go through the additional fertility coverage?

OH. MY. GOD. Why the hell did I have to raise my voice with her to get her to just be HUMAN to me?

The end. Again.

Call it sixth sense, call it whatever you will, but somehow I knew. My baby has died. Again. I should have been 8 weeks 2 days, and the embryo was only 6 weeks. D & E is scheduled for tomorrow. My heart is breaking.

More Nerves

Tomorrow is the big day. We're going for my first appointment. I'm thrilled, but at the same time I'm terrified of seeing a big black empty ultrasound screen. The thought of the ultrasound re-opens the not so distant memories of my last ultrasound... No heartbeat, no baby...

More than likely, by the time a lot of people read this post, I'll already know the answer, but please keep your fingers crossed for a live baby on the ultrasound screen.

Scolded

I'm feeling a bit scolded. I called to schedule my appointment yesterday and spoke with my nurse practitioner at the OB's office. She's the one who said to call her directly when I got pregnant.

I told her I was seven weeks pregnant, and she was all dramatic about not being sure if they could "squeeze me in" the following week for an appointment and ultrasound. I explained that I had been kind of superstitious and didn't want to schedule the appointment too early, to which (if I were the nurse) I would have said, "yes, I can completely understand that." But nothing.

Really? Okay, I can understand that I probably didn't make life easy for them. If I had called at five weeks to schedule, it would have been much easier for them, but MUCH harder for me. The knowledge of the date of the appointment and that three week wait would have been torture. It seems to me that the NP has probably (definitely) dealt with nervous post-miscarriage Moms before and she should maybe be a little more compassionate. But whatever... that's just me.

On another note, I LOVED the nurses at my old OB's office. :( I changed to the new OB after I moved to cut about 30 mins. round trip off of my drive. I almost wish I had just stayed at the old office and dealt with the drive. Bleh.

P.S. Still no definitive symptoms...