Tuesday, September 30, 2008

On the follow-up appointment and dead baby blogs

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with the NP at the OBGYN office. I was given a clean bill of health and am now just waiting for my period. The NP asked me "how I was doing" and I wanted to say "you mean aside from the dead baby?" I knew she meant well though, and she was asking me that to find out how I was physically and emotionally doing. So my answer was that I'm doing okay. Not great. Just okay. Some days are worse, some are better, but in general I think I'm healing.

On another related topic, I've been reading a lot of blogs involving miscarriage and loss. I think my husband thinks I'm psycho. When he walks in and sees me reading one of them he makes a sarcastic comment like, "Ooh, fun stuff." When I tell him about one of the stories he'll imply that it's not healthy for me to be reading those kind of things because it will just make me more worried the next time I'm pregnant.

Last night I felt the need to explain to him why I read them. It's because you women are the only ones who have been through what I've been through. My husband has been through it in a way - he's very sad that it happened and he wanted the baby as much as I did, but it's much more personal for me. It was my body. I read the dead baby blogs to validate my feelings. I want to know that I'm not crazy for being sad, and there's no reason that I should already be "better" just because my body has healed physically.

I read a blog of a woman who said that she's afraid that if she starts acting like everything is okay, then everyone will forget. I can relate so much to that. I can walk around like a normal person every day, but that doesn't mean it's over. There is still a baby that I loved and wanted that will never be. I don't want it to be the elephant in the room that no one can talk about. I had a miscarriage. No child before or after that child can replace it. So I don't want to talk about it incessantly or obsess about it. I just want people to remember.

1 comment:

Yaya said...

I know what you mean. My hubby tries to understand, but doesn't truly understand. We are grieving in different ways.