Saturday, January 31, 2009

Signs from within the aisles of BJ's

I believe in fate. I believe that what is meant to be will be no matter what. For instance, my husband's acquaintance's mother-in-law (yes, I know that's a little confusing) was killed recently through a strange turn of events. She witnessed a car crash in snowy weather and stopped to help the victim. As she was helping the first person, another person hit the crash scene, missing the MIL but went down an embankment. The MIL slid down the embankment to help the second person and a THIRD person hit the scene, slid down the hill and hit (and killed) the MIL. Not to be terribly callous about it, but my first thought was, it was her time. I mean REALLY, now. There were SEVERAL opportunities for her to lose her life that night, and the fact that the THIRD car was the one that did it makes me think that it was really, really her time to go.
So that brings me to the point of my post. This is the part where you begin to think (if you don't already) that I've gone COMPLETELY nuts.
I shop at BJ's for D's diapers. (For those of you not familiar, BJ's is a warehouse store where you can buy things in bulk and save mucho dinero.) They have their own brand of diapers, and they work really well so we've been using them for D for most of his life. After he was already in size 3 diapers, BJ's stopped carrying their own brand of size 1/2 diapers. They haven't carried them for upwards of 8 or 9 months. I was distraught. I was thinking that I was going to have to spend TONS of money to buy the next (hypothetical) baby Pampers until they were big enough for BJ's size threes.
Imagine my glee when I walked through the diaper aisle yesterday and they had size 1/2 diapers again!!! I'm so excited, and I'm hoping that fate has intervened. I mean, BJ's carrying size 1/2 diapers again HAS to mean that I'm going to get pregnant soon, right? Mmm... Don't mind the crazy girl. <---- :)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Wishin' and hopin'

Yup, it's almost the time when hubs and I could potentially make babies. I think it's going to KILL me to intentionally SKIP the chance to make babies because we're supposed to wait. Grrrr.... Well, I guess in the grand scheme of things, I won't actually die, but I'm pretty sure it's going to feel something like that. :-/

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Complete 180

Somehow since my last post, I'm a mess. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and most of all, I'm worrying constantly. I'm not even worried about miscarriage now. I'm now worried about what the progesterone will do to me, whether I have PCOS, and worst of all - about stillbirth. I'm already freaking out about the fact that people don't ALWAYS get to take home the baby after 40 weeks. I checked out the recent additions to the Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Blog Directory and it seems like a lot of them are about Stillbirth. I'm not sure if I can look at those anymore... I have so much compassion for people who have gone through it, but I just don't think I can read their stories anymore. I can't bring myself to that place.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Chillin'

Yup, I'm just chillin' here. I'm feeling pretty level, if that makes sense. The crimson bitch did arrive, (after all of the TP checking madness, I wasn't crazy!) Now I feel like I have a purpose. I'm still waiting, but now I know what I'm waiting for. Soon I'll be getting blood work done, and that will make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Then I'll be waiting for the next period and waiting for the HSG. Again, it will feel like something useful and concrete to be waiting for. So I'm chillin'. *happy sigh*

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Welcome back! You're 15 weeks pregnant.

No, actually iVillage, I guess I haven't visited you for a while, but thanks for that punch in the gut anyway.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Obsessive compulsive TP checker

Yes, this post will definitely fall into the MAJOR TMI category, but I promise, no personal details.

So yeah, I want to know when I became an obsessive compulsive toilet paper checker. I know I'm not the only one... You know who you are. Right now my deal is that I'm waiting for my period so I can move along with this "TTC after miscarriage" shindig. I guess that is kind of a legitimate reason to be OCD about it. But really, I find myself analyzing it. Is there CM? What the hell does it mean if there is? Is there a trace of brown there? Red?

Seriously, people. This has GOT to stop. It's not healthy, is it?? I'm literally OBSESSING over a piece of paper that I just used to wipe my hoo-hoo. I hope that freaking period gets here soon so I can take at least a four week break from obsessing over the TP.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Holding pattern and what ifs

I haven't been posting much because (as I've already mentioned) I'm in a holding pattern with the TTC thing right now. I haven't gotten my first period yet, (only 4 1/2 weeks post d&e) so I can't get the bloodwork yet and I'm basically twiddling my thumbs and waiting.

Makes for exciting blog posts, don't you think?

There IS something I've been thinking about though. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you had met the love of your life earlier? I wouldn't trade my hubby for anything, but I sometimes wonder why I didn't get my shiz together sooner. Why didn't I look for someone to "seriously" date in my earlier 20's? Or maybe I did, and they just weren't ready. Thing is, if I had found someone "serious" earlier, it wouldn't have been T, and I don't even want to think about life without him.

Maybe things happened just the way they were supposed to, but I sit here sometimes and wish that I didn't feel time sitting on my shoulders and telling me to procreate before it gets too late. (It's not that I'm particularly old... I'll be 32 this year.) I just wonder what it would have been like if we had met maybe 2 years earlier. Would I feel this rush to have another baby right away? Would we have waited a little longer for the first one? Would that have made any difference in our situation now?

Guess I'll never know, but it sure does make me wonder.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Avoiding stress

I babysit for a friend's son once a week while she goes to a therapy session. This week she told me that her therapist told her that she doesn't have enough time for herself, and that's why she's so stressed out.

This woman is a great person, and a good mom to her three boys. I met her through a mother's group of which we're both members, and she frequently urges me to sign up for all of the activities they offer and volunteer for different committees and events.

I haven't been to any of the events yet, but I do bring my son to a playgroup once a week, plus, my friend's son is about the same age as my son, so they play on a weekly basis when I babysit for him as well. I have other commitments during the week, plus I've had a lot of doctor's appointments lately because of the pregnancies and miscarriages.

I found myself sitting listening to her tell me how stressed out she is and thinking, okay, so why would I want to sign up for all these events, committees and activities if you're telling me that they stress you out?? Also, is it so hard to believe that I actually enjoy my time at home alone with my son? :) Hmmmmm...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The next time

I've been thinking a lot lately about "the next time." I'm very sad about the second miscarriage of course, but I haven't been crying about it in the past couple of weeks. I have to say that the overwhelming emotion that I've felt in the last month since my miscarriage is relief that I don't have to be afraid right now. There's no pregnancy to nurture, and no cycle to count since I've been told to wait for a couple of months.

I got pregnant in July of last year, and had the normal nerves of a Mom who has never had trouble conceiving or had a loss. (Yes, believe it or not, even those women are nervous about their pregnancies!) Then when I lost that baby, I was nervous about when I would get pregnant again. And then when I got pregnant again in November, I was nervous about whether that pregnancy would stick. So, pretty much I was nervous every day from July until December. Six months.

So is it completely strange that I'm feeling this relief? Maybe.

When "the next time" comes, will I be ready for the constant nerves again? Will I be able to handle the very real fear that I might lose another one and still not know why? I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. For now, I've just been trying to let the fear fly away. Oh, and I'll take that margarita on the rocks with salt, please.