Sunday, October 31, 2010

One quarter of a year

Hard to believe, but E turned three months old last week. As you can tell from my lack of posts, life is very busy.

Some things I don't want to forget about this time in her life:
The little coos that she makes when she's trying to "talk"
The first giggles that we've heard from her in the past few weeks
The way she looks adoringly at her brother when he's anywhere near her
The way she looks when she's sleeping
The little "squee, squee, squee" noise that keeps us awake when she's sucking on her hand in the middle of the night

Everything about having another baby is wonderful. I don't know if it's because we are more experienced now, or if it's just because she's a more laid-back baby, (which she most definitely is) but I feel like life is very normal right now. I remember when D was a baby that it took somewhere in the neighborhood of a YEAR for me to feel like life was normal again. The difference though, is that this time around, I was already used to caring for someone other than myself. I was already used to having to work my trips to the store around feedings and naps. I was already a mommy.

I finished breastfeeding about 2 weeks ago, and although it was a very emotional time, I'm doing fine now (though I still wish I could go back and do it all over.) In the end, if I'm able to get the Lasik surgery in December, it will have been the right decision, and I'll be able to look back on it without (much) regret.

In the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about whether this is "it" for us in the child-bearing department. When E was a couple of weeks old, I was sure that we were done. I was exhausted, I was emotional, and I remember telling myself to stop and remember the feeling of that moment if I ever felt like I wanted another one.

But the thing is...

That emotion and exhaustion fades, and all I can see now is my beautiful daughter's face, and think to myself that I want this again. I want the feeling of complete and utter love that comes with all of the firsts; first smile, first giggle, first time on a tricycle, first day of preschool... No, I don't want it right now, but maybe someday.

What I've said to my husband (who thinks I'm crazy to think that we can afford a third!) is that I'm not SURE that I want another one, I'm just sure that I'm NOT sure I'm done. So I guess for now, that will have to be good enough.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Winding down

A long while ago, I posted about not being able to get Lasik surgery while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

The time has come.

We have money put aside in an FSA (tax free flexible spending account) and it has to be used by the end of this year. I can't just "wait until next year." Because of all the changes in healthcare, FSA money can no longer be used on Lasik surgery as of January. That means that if I want to pay for at least part of my surgery with tax free money, it has to be done by December 31st. And I have to stop breastfeeding two months before the consultation. That means I basically have to stop breastfeeding now in order to have the consultation mid-December, and the surgery at the end of December.

After all that I've gone through with trying to up my milk supply, I started to wean a couple of weeks ago. I stopped the Fenugreek. I stopped the Brewer's yeast/beer. I'm tapering off the Reglan. I dropped pumping from 6 times per day to 3 times per day, to 1 time per day. Today, I pumped in the morning, and will attempt to make it overnight tonight and then let E feed first thing tomorrow morning. My supply is dwindling. If I had ever been able to produce more than two or three bottles a day, I think the decision would have been harder, but I knew I was never going to be able to feed her breastmilk exclusively.

So I have to tell you that after all this shit, and how much I HATED breastfeeding, when I think about the fact that this is really the end, all I want to do is cry. Who knew that I would be so emotional about it? WTF? The first month, I wanted to stop EVERY. DAY. And now that I'm really stopping, I don't want to. I'll feel myself tearing up just thinking about it, and all I can do is laugh at myself for being such a schizo.

The only consolation I have is that I feel like I really did it. I know how to do it now. E knows how to do it. Those mornings when my supply is good and E is getting plenty of milk and is content, I actually like it. I never thought I would say that. I guess that's why it's just so damn hard to give it up...

(Oh, and by the way, we're all doing pretty well other than that.) ;)