Thursday, November 27, 2008

Symptom?

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's "Holiday Stress" related. But. I have a headache. Since last night. And it's all on the right side of my temple. Plus, I'm feeling just the tiniest bit queasy. If I didn't know better, I might think these were symptoms... *Crossing fingers*

What kind of freak wishes to be nauseous on Thanksgiving? (Then again, I'm sure you can all relate!)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Game plan and Twins?

I have a game plan now. I'm going to relax and enjoy Thanksgiving and the weekend that follows, and then on Monday (or early next week) I'm going to call the doctor's office to set up my first appointment. I haven't gone in yet because 1)I've honestly kind of been expecting to miscarry and 2)there's nothing that can be seen/done at this time anyway, so I'd rather just wait to go until I can actually see something. The other thing is that my son makes my OB appointments very complicated (because I either have to find someone to watch him or I have to take him with me.) So less is more.

Then there's the twins thing. My Mom is a fraternal twin. Fraternal twins are genetic and they usually/often skip a generation. That means I (arguably) have a better chance of having twins than the average person.

Years ago, my Mother in Law had a fortune teller tell her that one of her sons would have twin girls. (Not that I put a TON of stock in that, but it's part of the story.) Her other son is definitely done having children, so that leaves us. THEN today on Face.book one of my friends (who doesn't know I'm pregnant) wrote "I had a dream last night that you were pregnant with twins!!! Ready to give D a brother AND a sister? ;-)"

Oh goodness. I'm certainly not counting on anything but it was enough to make the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end! (What's really funny is that the same friend (or maybe a friend of hers) had a dream that I was pregnant before she knew that I was pregnant with D! How crazy is that?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Same old, same old

I wish I had something interesting to write but the truth is, same sh!t, different day. No headache, no sore boobs, no morning sickness, but still no period. I guess that's the best sign. God knows, if I DO get the headaches and morning sickness later, I'll be kicking myself for not enjoying the lack thereof at the beginning. But there's still that nagging thought in my brain that says "you might not have any symptoms because you already miscarried and your body doesn't know (again)."

Remarkably, I'm much more calm than I would have expected to be. Since I have nothing telling me I'm pregnant except for the positive test, I would have thought I'd be obsessing, but I'm doing okay. (I admit that I've made a couple semi-frantic trips to the bathroom when things felt like they might be "leaking" but have ended up with no adverse result.) I feel like I'm almost in a zen state of "whatever will be will be" since there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Just continuing to wait and hope.

Oh, but I do have one interesting thing to report which is that I went to my cousin's baby shower this weekend. It turns out the trip.lets are IDEN.TICAL, and they were naturally conceived after surgery for endo. (Apparently iden.tical tripl.ets are like a one-in-fifty-bajillion chance.) I had no problem there - i.e. wasn't feeling emotional or anything - and I told her that I'm happy to help her out in any way I can. I'm hoping to go up there a few times before she delivers because she lives not too far from me. I can't give too much advice on tripl.ets, but I can at least be of some help with being a first-time parent. I know when I was a new Mom, I was taking all the advice I could get...

Friday, November 14, 2008

Slippery slope

Blogging in the infertility/miscarriage world is a slippery slope. When you miscarry, you're in the club, and when you get pregnant again, you're not really. It's a strange feeling. It's like you're in some sort of fertility twilight zone. I still want to visit people who are struggling with losses and try to help them through it with comments of encouragement, but what if they don't want me to? For now, I'm back on the "other side" and I've seen on more than one blog that it's really hard for ladies to watch other bloggers get pregnant again when they aren't. (And I can completely understand why it would be.)

So what to do? If everything is kosher with this pregnancy, I'm still only 4 weeks pregnant. Four weeks in nothing. The baby isn't even visible to the naked eye yet. I'm not trying to be morbid, but I'm not ready to put all my eggs in this proverbial basket. I don't really even feel like I'm truly pregnant yet. It's almost odd to say this, but I'm still relating more to those who have lost babies to miscarriage than I am to those who are pregnant.

I am so, so greatful to have another opportunity to be pregnant no matter what happens, but it will never make me forget about my loss or forget about the stories of all the wonderful women who are still waiting for their own miracles.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Nerves

It doesn't feel the same. Either my mind is playing tricks on me, or this just doesn't feel the same. I can't remember how I'm supposed to feel, but I want some sore boobs and a nice headache and a little nausea. Please. And I'd like a side of pickle craving, too.

I'm nervous.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Cautiously Optimistic

Well, the title pretty much says it... I'll admit that I couldn't wait to test until today. I tested on Friday and got a veeeeery faint positive. I tested again this morning with a digital test and got a fairly quick positive reading.

I'm excited, but at the same time I'm trying to keep myself grounded. Although I know it's a longshot, I still have the fear that my HCG levels might be elevated from the miscarriage rather than a new embryo since I never tested after my miscarriage. I'll feel a lot better in a week or so if I still haven't gotten my period.

I had some cramping last night, which I was sure was a sign that I was going to miscarry early (and so it begins) but after consulting Dr. Google it seems that cramping can just mean that my uterus is stretching.

Now only 4 or 5 more weeks to wait for the ultrasound to find out if there's a real baby in there! Piece of cake, right?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Two week wait

I've been thinking and thinking about whether I wanted to post this on here. I'm probably being paranoid, but I really have no idea if anyone I know might have discovered this blog so I've been a little worried about making this "public". But.

I had my first cycle after my first period after the miscarriage. So I'm waiting. And hoping. And testing on Monday (the day the crimson bitch is due). Or maybe sooner if I can't wait.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Not ready for Babies R Us

I've been to Babies R Us a couple of times since my miscarriage (to pick up stuff for my son). It's been a little difficult, but overall I got through it because I had a focus. A goal. Stuff to buy for my living child.

Today I thought it would be a good idea to go in and look at baby clothes for my cousin's trip.let baby shower. I was wrong.

I stood in front of the preemie girl outfits and started looking at how beautiful and tiny they were, and my eyes filled up with tears. I managed to pull myself together to check out without lots of questioning stares, but it was not easy.

Damn. Guess I'm not really ready for that yet.