Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Infertility, you can suck it.

You're a bee-otch. There. I said it. I hate you.

I'm really wrestling right now with the if and the when of trying again.

We have a boy and a girl, both healthy, and both past the hardest parts of baby-dom (the sleepless nights, nursing, crying.) I wish I could say that I feel done, but I'm just not sure.

It would be easier if I knew for SURE that I wanted another. There are so many reasons that it makes sense to stop now, and if I'm being honest, I see other mothers with newborns and think to myself, "I'm glad that's not me." But the thing is, I'm really just glad that I don't have THEIR kid. I'm one of those people. I don't love all babies, but I love my babies.

If we try again I have to go to a new R.E. to get progesterone because my O.B. doesn't prescribe that. I also would prefer to NOT give birth in the dead of winter (I know, I know, I don't really have a choice) so we would either start trying again very soon, or not until spring. Who knows how long it would take this time? The big "AMA" (advanced maternal age) looms in my future when I complete this trip around the sun. The thought of extra tests for that doesn't sit well with me.

Am I tempting fate?

There are multiple people in my life struggling with fertility issues. I worry that my having another baby will inevitably hurt them, and that's not something I want to do.

I worry that I could miscarry again. Maybe more than once. What then? Will I ever be content to stop trying if we decide to start?

What if mythical sibling #3 is colicky or just plain fussy, or if adding another baby upsets the wonderful relationship between D & E?

But then I think about one of my kiddos having a same-sex sibling, which is something that I never had, but that I know many people cherish. I think about two brothers protecting E, or two sisters beating up on D and painting his toenails. :) I think about family Christmases with lots of kids. Weddings, grandkids, etc.

My life right now is pretty darn good. The idea of getting on the rollercoaster of hope and sadness and uncertainty makes me sick to my stomach. BUT, and it's a big but... I'm so afraid that if we don't try to have another that I might regret it in the future when it's too late for us.


Stacie said...

Eh, that's a tough one. I can see your predicament. I just hope that whichever way you decide to go, you'll be at peace with it.

Anonymous said...

I can relate as you know. A healthy son and a daughter from IVF and then 2 miscarriages (natural pregnancy and FET) within 4-5 months of each other.

That said I am now 7 weeks pregnant again and have seen the heartbeat as of last week and have wicked morning sickness like with my son and daughter's pregnancies....we never thought we would get pregnant naturally twice after severe male factor, 2 fresh cycles, 2 frozen and 2 losses.

I feel much of what you felt. Should we have stopped with 2 healthy ones? I knew it may be hard but I wouldn't regret having a third the more I thought about it....

You will know in time what is the best decision for you. Email me if you want to talk.

And happy birthday to your little girl!


Dawn said...

Oh how I understand what you are feeling! I am so happy w/my little girl & wonder if I'm just playing with fire w/this current pregnancy. Maybe I should've left well enough alone. I hope that you are able to come to a decision that gives you peace & God blesses you w/a uneventful smooth pregnancy if you choose to go that route.

CeCe said...

Ugh, it's not easy. Wishing you all the best with whatever steps you take moving forward.