I thought I was over this freak out business

I thought I had a good handle on my emotions this time (at least relative to the last time.) I've been feeling pretty calm and optimistic since I got my positive test. I've actually NOT been freaking out and running to the bathroom to check my underwear every time I feel that "not so dry feeling" in the nether-regions (because anyone who's been on Prog.esterone suppositories can tell you that it's a fact of life.)

I've had a few days when I've felt almost crampy, but more gassy and bloaty. I consult Dr. Google every. single. time. (As if the answer will change.) Yes, crampy gassy bloaty can be miscarriage, but it can also be totally normal beginning of pregnancy stuff. I've had myself fairly convinced that as long as there's no blood, there's still a baby growing in there.

So of course, this morning when I wiped, there was the teeniest, tiniest streak of red blood. I had a guest here (who is not "in the know") so I couldn't go check my pad every two minutes without looking really odd, so I quietly freaked out for the next half hour or so, making small talk.

I haven't had anything at all since then, but it scared the crap out of me, and it really made me think about this pregnancy. I have often thought to myself when people talk about "giving up" after having a number of miscarriages that I don't think I could do that. I used to think I would do it over and over until it worked, but now I'm not so sure. The fear that this pregnancy might end in a miscarriage has really made me wonder how many more pregnancies I have in me...

Cautiously Optimistic

Well, the title pretty much says it... I'll admit that I couldn't wait to test until today. I tested on Friday and got a veeeeery faint positive. I tested again this morning with a digital test and got a fairly quick positive reading.

I'm excited, but at the same time I'm trying to keep myself grounded. Although I know it's a longshot, I still have the fear that my HCG levels might be elevated from the miscarriage rather than a new embryo since I never tested after my miscarriage. I'll feel a lot better in a week or so if I still haven't gotten my period.

I had some cramping last night, which I was sure was a sign that I was going to miscarry early (and so it begins) but after consulting Dr. Google it seems that cramping can just mean that my uterus is stretching.

Now only 4 or 5 more weeks to wait for the ultrasound to find out if there's a real baby in there! Piece of cake, right?