Saturday, November 14, 2009

I thought I was over this freak out business

I thought I had a good handle on my emotions this time (at least relative to the last time.) I've been feeling pretty calm and optimistic since I got my positive test. I've actually NOT been freaking out and running to the bathroom to check my underwear every time I feel that "not so dry feeling" in the nether-regions (because anyone who's been on Prog.esterone suppositories can tell you that it's a fact of life.)

I've had a few days when I've felt almost crampy, but more gassy and bloaty. I consult Dr. Google every. single. time. (As if the answer will change.) Yes, crampy gassy bloaty can be miscarriage, but it can also be totally normal beginning of pregnancy stuff. I've had myself fairly convinced that as long as there's no blood, there's still a baby growing in there.

So of course, this morning when I wiped, there was the teeniest, tiniest streak of red blood. I had a guest here (who is not "in the know") so I couldn't go check my pad every two minutes without looking really odd, so I quietly freaked out for the next half hour or so, making small talk.

I haven't had anything at all since then, but it scared the crap out of me, and it really made me think about this pregnancy. I have often thought to myself when people talk about "giving up" after having a number of miscarriages that I don't think I could do that. I used to think I would do it over and over until it worked, but now I'm not so sure. The fear that this pregnancy might end in a miscarriage has really made me wonder how many more pregnancies I have in me...

8 comments:

Christa said...

((BIG HUG)) stay strong. All you can do right now is take it one day at a time. I totally know what you are going through. It's OK to be scared, you have good reason. It's hard to not think about your losses at a time like this. I get so nervous every time I get pregnant. I check for blood all the time too! You're acting appropriately for someone in our shoes. But that being said, please don't let your past get the best of you. I know it's scary to hope, but that's the only thing you have right now, so let it float up to the surface if you can. My thoughts are with you. Let us know how things progress. Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I know it is really hard right now, but I am saying a prayer all will be ok and you have a happy and healthy 9 months!

I am also glad to hear you haven't had any more spotting....

Kelley

Stacie said...

I wish I had some encouraging words for you. Can you see your OB/Gyn this coming week for some reassurance?

Hopefully there's no need to worry!

Karen said...

I'd be scared to. But it can be normal. I had a lot of bleeding in one pregnancy, but my baby was healthy. Every pregnancy is different and this one may have some spotting without that meaning it will end badly.

As to giving up, I think that you need to look at it a different way. Some women don't have the emotional trauma with a miscarriage that others have. That doesn't mean that they're heartless, just that it doesn't feel like they've lost a child. Other women have the flip side. They have a very, very hard time with it. That doesn't mean they're overly sensitive, just that to them the miscarriage was the death of a child, not just a failed attempt at something. And a lot of women fall somewhere in the middle of that range. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.

How you feel about each pregnancy, how you recover from each miscarriage, those are personal things. And those feelings (whatever they may be) are real. You have to be the one to decide what is right for you, how you'll go on and what will bring you the most peace. Sometimes "giving up" isn't the right phrase. Sometimes it's just deciding to take a different route the family you want, or deciding to just cherish the family you have.

As long as you want to keep trying, I'm there in your corner. But if the time ever comes that you need to walk away, then I'm there for you then, too.

just me, dawn said...

i hate to tell you this, but i don't think your freak out business is over if you are anything like me.....after three losses and the loss of bebe's twin, i still freak out. just over different thing, at first it was everytime i felt the suppositories residue, then it was ....and now if i don't feel her for a few hours.....i am guessing i am in for a long long life of worries. stay strong believe in yourself :)

gallerygirl said...

It is so easy to jump to that conclusion. I did it- ALL THE TIME. Go back and read my March posts if it helps you to know you are not the only one who does this stuff. Panty checking does not ever go away, I am sad to tell you. Accept that it is okay to be like this, of course you are scared!
I hope it is nothing and your sticky baby is just getting situated. Take it one hour at a time if you need to!

Dawn said...

I entered this pregnancy with the same hope that I wouldn't freak out. And it seemed to be going well as long as the symptoms were still there and there was no bad cramps or spotting. Well although I think I have done relatively well I have in no way truly relaxed. Sadly this morning I have also noticed some spotting and although I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome I am now a complete wreck. And sadly it comes with the territory for us. Praying that our little onese are fine and growing strong.

Em said...

{{{hugs}}}
My Dr. told me that just being optimistic and hopeful can help a lot. I know...easier said than done. Here's wishing you the best nine months you've ever had!