Not much to report

I'm posting an update for my benefit as much as yours.

I guess I'm still pregnant until proven otherwise. That being said, I have no real symptoms to speak of. There was a time or two when I felt a twinge of heartburn (and I normally NEVER have heartburn) and one or two times before I ate when I thought I might be a little nauseous. Oh, and my left nipple has been sore, but only occasionally. Random. Other than that, nada. I guess the only thing that is a true "symptom" would be my period being two weeks late. Oh, there's that...

I do, of course, have a yea.st infec.tion from all the progesterone, which will stay with me for the next month and a half until I stop the prog.esterone. Always a lovely time.

Using my best guess (since I wasn't keeping track) I should be around 6 weeks today. My first u/s is next week, and I'm actually not nervous yet. I can't decide if that's because I already think the pregnancy is doomed, or if I'm just more relaxed now that I have my two kiddos. Planning to keep myself busy as much as possible. One thing that kind of sucks is that the musical that I'm in is opening on 4/13, so if I end up having to have a D&E or D&C next week (which I would definitely elect to do again) it would mean scheduling difficulties and a SUPER busy week following the procedure. On the other hand, it will keep me very busy and give me less time to dwell in my own pool of sadness.

In spite of the above negativity, I really am feeling pretty relaxed so far. I keep thinking that it's very early, and the symptoms could kick in at any moment (and if they do, I'll wish I hadn't wished for them!)

Proof that things don't always go as planned

Remember how I mentioned that we were considering #3, and that we were not trying right now because of Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Well, I'm pregnant. For the 6th time.

And here's the story.

We've been "trying" since the end of October and I was getting kind of frustrated with roadblocks each month. October, we decided late to start trying so my OPK was already positive the first day I tested. No idea if I had already O'd or not. We tried anyway, but I didn't have a lot of hope. Nov, we started trying, but stopped trying when I hadn't O'd by day 16 or so. December, we started trying early, but were so exhausted with the holidays that we missed some crucial days. January, I thought we actually had a good chance, but got a negative test. So all in all, there was a lot of se.x being had those four months.

Now, welcome to present day. We decided to skip last month because my LMP would bring me to a due date of November 19th, which was kind of close to Thanksgiving. So I didn't do OPKs and I didn't take Pro.gesterone, and I really didn't pay attention to anything. We had a little magic moment (haha) late-ish in the month. After the fact, T said something like, so I guess we're trying this month after all, and I said, no, I would be really shocked if I were pregnant because it was long after my fertile time.

So my period was due on Monday, and I usually spot before it. This month, nothing. I decided to take a test on Monday, and I blew off the faint line that I thought I saw as "my eyes playing tricks on me." Tuesday, I had a little twinge of tenderness in my nipples and I started analyzing my boobs for signs of growth. Wednesday, I tested again. Still a faint line, but definitely there.

I started prog.estrone last night, and I called my doctor and said that we should probably combine my annual (scheduled for the 21st) with a first u/s at a later date.

I'm feeling oddly calm about the whole thing. I don't have any symptoms, but I don't remember when those usually start. I guess I may need a little more HCG in system before the hardcore symptoms begin.

I'll keep you all updated. I'm nervous, but I don't have any control right now, so I have to leave it in the hands of fate.

What's up with me?

I know this is mostly a miscarriage space, but I just wanted to give an update on what's going on with me to anyone who's still reading, because I get sad when people just disappear! :)

So I'm turning 35 in 10 days. Advanced maternal age. I don't really mind turning 35, but I think I'd like to stop here. After 35 everything starts to feel a little too "middle aged" to me. I'm still YOUNG, people. What's up with that??

Speaking of advanced maternal age, the idea of a third little peanut is still on the table, but not right at the moment. We don't really want a Thanksgiving or Christmas baby. The more I think about it, the more I want another one. (We both do now...) And the more I think about that, the more excited I get about the idea of getting rid of all the baby stuff one by one after we use it one last time!!

That leads me to the topic of clutter. I've been fixated on the idea of simplifying my life, getting rid of excess "stuff" that we have and trying to live a little "cleaner." I'm pretty thrifty (which I may have mentioned once... or maybe a hundred times.) Over the past few months I've streamlined my grocery shopping to one trip per week, and a total of $200 in giftcards per month to my primary grocery store. This does not include B.J's trips or special trips to stores to grab a couple of great sales items. It's going awesome so far. The de-cluttering is going slowly, but I'm getting more motivated all the time - especially by some of the couponing and simplifying blogs that I follow.

The other thing that I've done for myself recently was getting into community theater. I've always loved to sing, and I finally bit the bullet last fall and joined a local group. We performed The S.ound of Mu.sic in the fall, and we're performing Ti.tanic - the Musical this spring. I'm having so much fun, and it's making my life so much more fulfilling. It also helps me to stay sane as a stay at home mom. I have a total of 7.5 hours of rehearsal time each week, which I really enjoy, and it makes me a better and more patient mom.

The kids are doing great. D is starting kindergarten in the fall (!) and E is so incredibly cute and sassy. SO sassy. Her favorite word is no, I think, and for now it's cute.

After a winter free of almost ALL snow (practically unheard of for Massa.chusetts) we're in the middle of a storm right now. The natives are restless, and I have to go throw some food in their troughs. :)

Infertility, you can suck it.

You're a bee-otch. There. I said it. I hate you.

I'm really wrestling right now with the if and the when of trying again.

We have a boy and a girl, both healthy, and both past the hardest parts of baby-dom (the sleepless nights, nursing, crying.) I wish I could say that I feel done, but I'm just not sure.

It would be easier if I knew for SURE that I wanted another. There are so many reasons that it makes sense to stop now, and if I'm being honest, I see other mothers with newborns and think to myself, "I'm glad that's not me." But the thing is, I'm really just glad that I don't have THEIR kid. I'm one of those people. I don't love all babies, but I love my babies.

If we try again I have to go to a new R.E. to get progesterone because my O.B. doesn't prescribe that. I also would prefer to NOT give birth in the dead of winter (I know, I know, I don't really have a choice) so we would either start trying again very soon, or not until spring. Who knows how long it would take this time? The big "AMA" (advanced maternal age) looms in my future when I complete this trip around the sun. The thought of extra tests for that doesn't sit well with me.

Am I tempting fate?

There are multiple people in my life struggling with fertility issues. I worry that my having another baby will inevitably hurt them, and that's not something I want to do.

I worry that I could miscarry again. Maybe more than once. What then? Will I ever be content to stop trying if we decide to start?

What if mythical sibling #3 is colicky or just plain fussy, or if adding another baby upsets the wonderful relationship between D & E?

But then I think about one of my kiddos having a same-sex sibling, which is something that I never had, but that I know many people cherish. I think about two brothers protecting E, or two sisters beating up on D and painting his toenails. :) I think about family Christmases with lots of kids. Weddings, grandkids, etc.

My life right now is pretty darn good. The idea of getting on the rollercoaster of hope and sadness and uncertainty makes me sick to my stomach. BUT, and it's a big but... I'm so afraid that if we don't try to have another that I might regret it in the future when it's too late for us.

Happy Belated to my Sunshine

She is a little light on cloudy days. She's challenging, but such a happy baby. She laughs ALL the time.

I can hardly believe it's been over a year now since we were blessed with her. Happy belated first birthday (by one month and two days) to my little E-berry.

Happy Birthday...

I don't think I've ever shared his picture before, but I'm at a place where I don't feel like this blog needs to be as private now. I've made it past the tears and sadness for now, and if someone I know happens to come across my story, it's probably because they're in the same boat.

That being said, happy 4th birthday to my sweet, funny, wonderful D. Mommy loves you more than you will ever know.

Hello, June

I just looked at the date of my last post and was like, WOAH. Hi there. It's June!

I know we all go through this, but I'm at a point where I don't "need" this community as much as I did before. I love to keep updated on what's going on with people and I've become Fa.cebook friends with some of you so that helps. I just don't need the ongoing support in the way that I did when I was pregnant and terrified.

The two kiddos have been keeping me quite busy. Hard to believe that D will be turning four and E will be ONE in July! The year has sped by.

E is crawling at the speed of light and loves to pull up on things. She's not quite furniture walking yet, but she's getting close. She still has only two teeth, but she's doing pretty well with mashing soft food between her gums. I've been making all of her baby food so I'm trying to get a little more creative with what I feed her so that she won't be a picky toddler. D loves fruit and veggies, but his palate is not as developed as I would like and I blame myself for some of that. Hoping to keep E more open to flavors!

D is getting ready to finish up his first year of preschool. He's such a good big brother in so many ways. He and E adore each other, though D does have some issues with jealousy over my needing to tend to E for obvious things she can't do for herself. We're looking forward to trying to teach him to ride a bike with training wheels this summer and hopefully get him in the water on our family vacation.

T and I are doing great. I'm down a little below my pre-pregnancy weight after the sevent.een da.y d.iet adventure that I talked about a few posts ago. (It worked pretty well for us, but was very restrictive, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to anyone.) He lost about 25 lbs. (men... though he did have more to lose than I did.) We went away for a three day trip to VT to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. Had such a nice time. My MIL and FIL stayed with the kids. So nice!

We've tossed the idea of "one more" back and forth and it makes me excited and nervous at the same time. The uncertainty of miscarriage makes it much more complicated. We're still undecided, but don't want to wait too long either, if we decide that's what we want. We want to be DONE with diapers when we're done, you know??!! :)