Friday, April 24, 2009

Feeling like me again

This post is partially about my son, so please be forewarned. I will not be offended if you don't want to read it...

D is 21 months old this month. He's turning into a little person. He's getting independent - like, when we go somewhere he can get his shoes, socks, and coat. Even though he can't put them on yet, he actually does things that are helpful, like a real little kid. It's amazing and wonderful to watch.

Last spring, he was just crawling. If I wanted to work outside, he had to be sleeping or T had to be home too. This spring, we go outside for walks, I do yard work, I wash my car - all with D by my side. I've started really jogging again with his baby jogger, which is awesome. We go to stores and he's fascinated by just looking around. He's usually really well-behaved in public. We go to his playgroup once a week. I meet up for playdates and I have friends with kids to hang out with. I finally feel like ME again. The one thing that's changed is that D and I are now an inseparable pair, but we can do most of the same things I used to do before I had him. I'm really enjoying this year.

I got pregnant with Grey in June of last year, so we're getting darn close to a year of trying. I want SO much to be pregnant and have another baby. HOWEVER, I've found the thought creeping into my head that a new baby is going to start everything over from scratch - just when I had finally begun to feel like myself again. Having a baby is hard. Every single day, it's hard. Granted, we bought a house and moved the month after D was born, so it won't be from scratch like THAT was, but it will change everything. There will be a new person to worry about when we go out to stores. I will be OUTNUMBERED in public! There will be breas.tfeeding or bottles to think about. To tell the truth, it's kind of scary. I'd like to think that I'll have a little easier time since I kind of "know what I'm doing" now, but I know that having two kids is not like having two cats.

These doubts are not making me not want to continue trying for another baby, but they're certainly making me think...

5 comments:

Azaera said...

You can handle it! Trust me, it's a bit more work, but you'll pull through. The other day I took N and sky to the park, and some of the other moms were impressed by my ability to pick up N (2 year old) with Skyler in the sling. You just adapt. (although there will be times undoubtedly when you feel like pulling out your hair)

Stacie said...

Right now, I am in the same position you were last Spring.

I LOVE doing yardwork; however, I have to wait until my husband is available to watch the baby. I can get a little done outside (weather permitting for babies, of course) while she is in her stroller watching me. It's definitely not ideal, but desperate calls for desperate measures sometimes. I look forward (but can wait) to when she can get around well enough to do things with me.

Like Azaera said, "You just adapt." I think she's right. Just like you adapted with one, you will adapt with having two.

Yaya said...

Sounds like you and me are along the same lines of healing. I too keep thinking maybe I don't want a bio baby? I've just spent so much time and energy on it that I'm ready to move on from it all.

Karen said...

I think there are stages where it's harder to have two (or more) kids, particularly when one of them isn't able to do things independently. But there are also advantages. They keep each other entertained as they get older.

Just listen to yourself and do what you want, rather than when you think people want or expect from you. There's nothing wrong with having a baby, and there's nothing wrong with deciding not to.

Amy said...

I can see why you'd be questioning how a baby would fit in. If you have a baby though, I'm sure s/he will fill a place that you didn't even know was empty, and you'll wonder how there was ever a time without him/her.

I'm obviously not ready to think about a second, but I have wondered whether the journey of TTC and potential loss will negatively impact Maddie. Do you feel like that? I'd love to know how you manage it all...I feel like I might not do that so well.