Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Judgement

Am I the only one who feels judged?

I'm nervous about the pregnancy. Really nervous. Every time I feel a pain or a twinge in my abdomen, although I don't immediately freak out about it, I wonder if there's a chance something might be wrong.

I bought the doppler so that I wouldn't have to call the doctor to ask about every little twinge or worse, wait the two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, or however long in between appointments to make sure things are okay.

Why is it that the doppler feels like a dirty little secret? Why do I find myself not wanting to tell the staff at the doctor's office that I have it? Why did I feel judged by my therapist* when I told her I bought it? When someone asks how often I use it, why do I feel like I should answer "every few days" rather than the real answer, which is "at least once every 36 hours."

What's so freaking wrong with it? I'm a mother who has had three miscarriages. Why is it so shocking that I would feel comforted by hearing this baby's heartbeat on a regular basis?

On another note, I sometimes feel like the staff (not the doctor, but some of the medical assistant type people) at my doctor's office could use some miscarriage sensitivity training. The fact that I'm not bawling my eyes out when I tell you that I've had three miscarriages doesn't mean that when you start asking me questions about them that you should sound like you're asking me if I want cream and sugar in my coffee. I know you see women who have had miscarriages on a daily basis, but we're all different. Please put away your cookie cutter and treat me like an individual.

*In my therapist's defense, I think she is concerned about the emotional impact that *not* finding the heartbeat might have on me. Luckily, I've been able to find it every time I've tried so far.

7 comments:

Dawn said...

I hear ya!!! As soon as I say I have a doppler everyone gives me that "poor you" look! I told my midwife and she warned me about it, but wasn't overaly judgemental which was nice. I use it at least once every day. That little beating heart gives me peace and comforts me when I start freaking out (which is at least once every day..lol) and if people don't like it tough! I tell myself it's only because they don't understand.

Em said...

I've only gotten a few strange looks from family members. I don't care, though. It is for my peace of mind, not theirs.

Anonymous said...

I haven't suffered a loss, but I am sorry you have to deal with people's judgement. It sucks.

Kelley

CeCe said...

I agree, it seems like once you get pregnant again people think you are over your past..

just me, dawn said...

Funny...I never told my OB about my doppler, I guess I didn't want to hear her opinion. I "needed" it. and shockingly at almost 35 weeks....i still listen to bebe girls HB, it is somehow comforting, granted not every day like I did before I could feel her move. I say do what you need to be comfortable. And regarding the treatment of those with miscarriages, I think they forget that to us, it is NOT a normal part of trying to have a baby, they see it all the time I suppose and grow a thicker skin than those who have suffered the loses.
((hugs))

Karen said...

I totally get where you're coming from. A miscarriage is the death of your child. Why shouldn't women grieve them like the tragedy they are? And why should anyone think it's bad to take every precaution and safeguard available to you to protect this child? Knowing that he's healthy keeps you sane. And if there were an issue, knowing that you need to call the doctor may save his life.

I say do what makes you happy and screw anyone who can't understand.

Yaya said...

If I ever have another pregnancy I'll totally be getting a doppler. I do not think it's odd at all. I read a lot of pregnancy loss blogs and it's pretty common that they get a doppler. You are not alone!