Winding down

A long while ago, I posted about not being able to get Lasik surgery while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

The time has come.

We have money put aside in an FSA (tax free flexible spending account) and it has to be used by the end of this year. I can't just "wait until next year." Because of all the changes in healthcare, FSA money can no longer be used on Lasik surgery as of January. That means that if I want to pay for at least part of my surgery with tax free money, it has to be done by December 31st. And I have to stop breastfeeding two months before the consultation. That means I basically have to stop breastfeeding now in order to have the consultation mid-December, and the surgery at the end of December.

After all that I've gone through with trying to up my milk supply, I started to wean a couple of weeks ago. I stopped the Fenugreek. I stopped the Brewer's yeast/beer. I'm tapering off the Reglan. I dropped pumping from 6 times per day to 3 times per day, to 1 time per day. Today, I pumped in the morning, and will attempt to make it overnight tonight and then let E feed first thing tomorrow morning. My supply is dwindling. If I had ever been able to produce more than two or three bottles a day, I think the decision would have been harder, but I knew I was never going to be able to feed her breastmilk exclusively.

So I have to tell you that after all this shit, and how much I HATED breastfeeding, when I think about the fact that this is really the end, all I want to do is cry. Who knew that I would be so emotional about it? WTF? The first month, I wanted to stop EVERY. DAY. And now that I'm really stopping, I don't want to. I'll feel myself tearing up just thinking about it, and all I can do is laugh at myself for being such a schizo.

The only consolation I have is that I feel like I really did it. I know how to do it now. E knows how to do it. Those mornings when my supply is good and E is getting plenty of milk and is content, I actually like it. I never thought I would say that. I guess that's why it's just so damn hard to give it up...

(Oh, and by the way, we're all doing pretty well other than that.) ;)