More optimism

16 weeks today... Our little "doppler" baby is still kicking. :)

I took a big leap for me, and added a pregnancy ticker to my blog. I also updated my "timeline" on my sidebar to include the positive HPT for this pregnancy.

Yay. :)

Baby steps, right?

(A quick edit here: I saw this on another blog and loved it and wanted to share. The definition of Danger Zone: the time between showing and having something to show for it.)

A change of pace

Since I spend most of my blog space talking about my fears and complaining about stuff, I wanted to take some time to talk about GOOD things!! (Can you believe it?!?)

I'm 15w4d today. Although I'm still nervous, I'm beginning to let myself believe that this baby might actually make it. When it comes to symptoms, I'm feeling really good right now. I have much more energy and no nausea or headaches. My smallest jeans are uncomfortable to wear, but I'm not ready for maternity pants yet. That means I have about 3 pairs of pants that really work right now. (I still haven't pulled the "maternity clothes" tub from the basement yet. It hasn't been upstairs since I was pregnant with D, and it feels like a very big step.)

There are lots of good things going on with my internet ladies right now. I love reading about the successes that so many people are experiencing. I've been at this blogging thing for about a year and a half now, and I feel like I've really "gotten to know" these people and become invested in their stories. It's so thrilling to be part of something so personal and so significant in their lives.

We got a Keu.rig coffee maker from T's brother for Christmas. (Yes, we just celebrated Christmas with them. Don't ask.) T thought it was kind of an over-the-top useless present, but I think he'll change his tune when he has his first 1 minute cup of coffee! Of course, I'm going to have to come to terms with the exorbitant cost of those K-cups versus buying coffee in bulk. ;)

I was having a "difficult" day with D the other day (he's two, after all!) and T came home with a dozen roses for me because I sounded stressed out on the phone. I know I don't talk about him much on this blog because I try to keep things relatively anonymous, but have I mentioned how much I love that man? :) :) :)

Going today to get the second half of my sequential screening bloodwork. The NT scan and the first half of the bloodwork results all came back normal, so hopefully these will too and we'll have one less thing to think about. I guess they took a glucose level too, which also came back normal.

This is getting long, so I'm going to end it, but I'm feeling very lucky right now, and I'm hopeful that things will continue moving in the right direction.

The stuff that dreams are made of

Well, I had another u/s today to check my placenta placement, and it's "a little better" according to the u/s tech. I think she said it's 1.2cm away from the cervix, and the doctor likes to see it 2-3cm away. The tech was still very optimistic that it will correct itself within a few weeks, so it's just wait and see for now. She said that it is considered a "low-lying placenta" rather than a previa as things stand.

On the stats front, I'm 14w5 days today, and the baby's hb was 146. When I was pregnant with D, I first felt kicks (that I was SURE were kicks) on Valentine's day. Since I'm due almost exactly the same day this time, I'm thinking it may be similar with this pregnancy. However, this time I know what I'm looking for, and I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might already be feeling a few little kicks. That would be pretty exciting. I'll update if I decide that I'm right.

I had a tough time finding "doppler's" hb a couple of times recently, which was kind of freaky, but luckily I've been able to find it more easily the past two times. It's now almost directly in the middle, and higher - just below my belly-button.

The night after one of the 10 minute heartbeat searches, I had my first dead baby dream. In the dream, I was pregnant with twins, apparently, and I miscarried them at home, about as far along as I am now (judging from their size.) The dream has had me a little on edge for the past few days, so I'm glad I had the u/s today to see the baby.

For me, the fear just doesn't seem to go away.

On the move

Today, I'm 14w2d. I'm feeling pretty good these days. The all-day sickness has continued to stay away, which I'm grateful for. (Ended around 12 weeks this time.)

I was feeling a little bloated in the belly and sort of "not right" so I decided to use the doppler around 6:15pm. It took me over ten minutes to find the heartbeat. Surprisingly, I didn't freak out, though I did run through scenarios in my mind of calling the doctor tomorrow morning to see if I could move my next u/s up. I told myself that I have a little extra belly fat growing now that I'm finally not nauseous all the time. I also told myself that I would try again with a full bladder, since I had just emptied my bladder. The crazy thing is, I felt almost resigned to the fact that maybe this was the end. I have told two more people in the last week, and every time I tell someone I feel like I'm tempting fate.

In the end, it turned out that the little person MOVED. All along, it's been below and to the right of my belly button, and now, it's just a little below and to the left of my belly button. I don't know if that's good or bad with regard to my placenta placement, but it was certainly a relief to hear those little hooves galloping away.

Tears of joy

I know that many of you are probably already readers of hers, but if you're not, please go congratulate YAYA. She and her husband Josh have FINALLY (after 7 years of trying to have a family) been chosen as the adoptive parents for a little boy named Alex.

She was one of my first readers (and believe it or not, I was one of her first readers, too, even though she has over 600 now!) and it has been a long, hard, emotional process for her and Josh. I couldn't be more thrilled that their dream is coming true.

Judgement

Am I the only one who feels judged?

I'm nervous about the pregnancy. Really nervous. Every time I feel a pain or a twinge in my abdomen, although I don't immediately freak out about it, I wonder if there's a chance something might be wrong.

I bought the doppler so that I wouldn't have to call the doctor to ask about every little twinge or worse, wait the two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, or however long in between appointments to make sure things are okay.

Why is it that the doppler feels like a dirty little secret? Why do I find myself not wanting to tell the staff at the doctor's office that I have it? Why did I feel judged by my therapist* when I told her I bought it? When someone asks how often I use it, why do I feel like I should answer "every few days" rather than the real answer, which is "at least once every 36 hours."

What's so freaking wrong with it? I'm a mother who has had three miscarriages. Why is it so shocking that I would feel comforted by hearing this baby's heartbeat on a regular basis?

On another note, I sometimes feel like the staff (not the doctor, but some of the medical assistant type people) at my doctor's office could use some miscarriage sensitivity training. The fact that I'm not bawling my eyes out when I tell you that I've had three miscarriages doesn't mean that when you start asking me questions about them that you should sound like you're asking me if I want cream and sugar in my coffee. I know you see women who have had miscarriages on a daily basis, but we're all different. Please put away your cookie cutter and treat me like an individual.

*In my therapist's defense, I think she is concerned about the emotional impact that *not* finding the heartbeat might have on me. Luckily, I've been able to find it every time I've tried so far.

13 Weeks

I can't believe I'm actually writing this post. I'm 13 weeks today. Some jerks on BabyC.enter thought it would be fun to mess with my mind and call week 13 part of the FIRST trimester, but everything else calls it the first week of the second trimester, so we're going with that.

I had the Nuchal Fold scan today and was told everything looks "good." I'm measuring right on target at 13 weeks, and the heartrate was 155. My blood pressure was magically 106/64 which is kind of a miracle for me, (since I tend to run a little high) but I think part of that is that I wasn't too nervous since I was able to hear baby on the doppler this morning before the appointment. I got my first set of blood drawn for the sequential screening (Downs, etc.) and went through the big list of questions about family history and such.

My all-day sickness settled way down this week, which is thrilling because I was afraid it might last through the fourth month like it did with D. For the last few days I've had a left-side-of-the-head headache that tylenol doesn't touch. At least for now, I prefer it to being nauseous.

The one slightly concerning bit of information from today is that the placenta is lying low in my uterus. I have an ultrasound in two weeks to check it. Hopefully as my uterus grows it will be pulled up (which apparently happens quite commonly.) Doctor google tells me that a low lying placenta in the second trimester doesn't automatically doom me to placenta previa, since we still have a whole lot of growing to do before birth.

When I thought about making it to the second trimester a few weeks ago, it kind of seemed like "the goal" for now. Back then, I thought about it with a sense of upcoming relief. Now that I'm here, I don't feel really relieved. Of course I'm thrilled to be "statistically" much less likely to miscarry, but with my history of "defying the odds" if you will, it's hard to believe that I'm really out of those woods yet.

We told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law on Christmas eve that we were pregnant. In the next couple of days, we're planning to tell T's parents and his brother and sister-in-law. This is starting to get very real.

A milestone, of sorts

Today, I'm celebrating a strong Heartbeat on the doppler at 12 weeks 2 days and...

I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY PROG.ESTERONE SUPPOSIT.ORIES!!!

I am so freaking thrilled, I can't even express it in words. (Any of you who have taken these either while trying to get pregnant or being pregnant will understand my joy.) Now I get to go about the business of treating this awesome yeast infection that I've had for 3 months...