Got milk?

I'm sure that when my husband married me, he was not counting on being told about my spontaneous lactation, mid-pregnancy. But, as you may have guessed, in the past week, I had a couple of episodes of very slight leaking, following a strange, slightly painful sensation in one boob or the other. (I remember this vaguely from my short breastfeeding experience with D as that feeling of "letdown.") Of course, I had to share this news with my husband. He can thank me later.

I had my 29 week appointment on Wednesday, and everything is still peachy. Baby is practice breathing already, which is totally cool. It didn't want to move on the u/s screen for the tech, so she used this little buzzer thing on my belly (which vibrates and makes a loud noise to the baby). Clearly indignant over being tazed, the little one did a dance for the tech and the tech was satisfied. Baby is still breech, but I'm still not terribly worried. There's lots of time to turn.

My pudgy "I'm not pregnant, just fat" belly is finally rounding out, and I'm starting to feel like I might look pregnant, although I still haven't had one stranger ask me when I'm due. (That's when you know you look official.) I'm still able to sleep on my back pretty comfortably, which I'm allowing myself to do. When I do turn to the side, I make an effort to make it my left side, just to even the score.

I know this weekend is Mother's Day, but truthfully, I'm looking forward to celebrating my son, and how lucky I am to have him, as well as being thankful for his little sibling. Keep on growing, little one.

13 Weeks

I can't believe I'm actually writing this post. I'm 13 weeks today. Some jerks on BabyC.enter thought it would be fun to mess with my mind and call week 13 part of the FIRST trimester, but everything else calls it the first week of the second trimester, so we're going with that.

I had the Nuchal Fold scan today and was told everything looks "good." I'm measuring right on target at 13 weeks, and the heartrate was 155. My blood pressure was magically 106/64 which is kind of a miracle for me, (since I tend to run a little high) but I think part of that is that I wasn't too nervous since I was able to hear baby on the doppler this morning before the appointment. I got my first set of blood drawn for the sequential screening (Downs, etc.) and went through the big list of questions about family history and such.

My all-day sickness settled way down this week, which is thrilling because I was afraid it might last through the fourth month like it did with D. For the last few days I've had a left-side-of-the-head headache that tylenol doesn't touch. At least for now, I prefer it to being nauseous.

The one slightly concerning bit of information from today is that the placenta is lying low in my uterus. I have an ultrasound in two weeks to check it. Hopefully as my uterus grows it will be pulled up (which apparently happens quite commonly.) Doctor google tells me that a low lying placenta in the second trimester doesn't automatically doom me to placenta previa, since we still have a whole lot of growing to do before birth.

When I thought about making it to the second trimester a few weeks ago, it kind of seemed like "the goal" for now. Back then, I thought about it with a sense of upcoming relief. Now that I'm here, I don't feel really relieved. Of course I'm thrilled to be "statistically" much less likely to miscarry, but with my history of "defying the odds" if you will, it's hard to believe that I'm really out of those woods yet.

We told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law on Christmas eve that we were pregnant. In the next couple of days, we're planning to tell T's parents and his brother and sister-in-law. This is starting to get very real.

Can hardly believe it

I keep waiting for the end of the road. Every day that goes by makes me think I might be one day closer to doom, but it just doesn't seem to come.

I'm 11w5d today. That's almost 12 weeks pregnant, and it's 2 full weeks further than I made it with Grey. I'm not going to make any sweeping statements like "I'm almost there" or anything, but I just can't believe I've made it this far.

I had an u/s yesterday, and I was so relieved that it was scheduled, because I woke up with some brown discharge on my pantyliner. Sorry to be graphic, but I think it may be dried blood from my very, very sore yeast infection rather than anything going on inside (since there was nothing there when I wiped.) After I discovered the discharge, I felt some sharp-ish pains in my very lower abdomen, which had me a little freaked out, but I had heard the little person on the doppler the night before so I knew that it was probably still kicking.

The u/s was fine. Heartbeat was 161, and she found no signs of any bleeding inside that should have caused the discharge. She also said that my cervix is long and closed, which is a relief since I'm a little worried about the possibility of incompetent cervix due to my 3 D&Es. The baby was waving its arms around which was really cool. (It's amazing how little I remember of my ultrasounds with D, but after all, it was almost 3 years ago, and there were FAR fewer ultrasounds with him!)

My symptoms are still kicking, but I feel like my all-day-sickness is getting a little better. It's still there, but eating usually helps now (it didn't always at the beginning). I'm still down about 6 or 8 pounds from where I started because of the nausea, but I have no doubt that I'll make up for that later in the pregnancy. My nipples are still sore, but not as bad, and I've had a couple of days when they were itchy and a little tingly, which I remember from my pregnancy with D, and also from post-partum with him when I was trying to breas.tfeed. I'm still super tired, and looking forward to (hopefully) making it to the fun part of pregnancy when I have energy and appetite again.

What's going on

Quite simply, a post about what's going on.

First, I want to thank Christa for the beautiful angel wings. We haven't set up our tree yet, but they will have a prominent place when we do.

On the baby front, I really have nothing interesting to report. I have continued to be nauseous on a daily basis, for most of the day. While that totally sucks, it keeps my hope alive that this baby might really make it. My boobs are still super tender and heavy, and I'm tired all the time. I'm also craving salt (when I can stand to eat anything). Those seem to be "my" symptoms.

I have another appointment for an ultrasound next week, and although I haven't had any anxiety type of attacks recently (with the raised heart rate, etc.), I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that everything will be fine at that appointment. I'm finding it hard to imagine that I might make it past 9 weeks, 5 days this time. (Unfortunately, my u/s is at 9w4d, and then my next one will be my 12 week nuchal fold scan.) Do we tell our parents after next week's u/s? Do we wait until Christmas? (I will be 11 weeks on Christmas Day). By then, it will be a couple of weeks since the u/s and something could have happened to the baby in the interim. Right now, it doesn't feel like there will ever be a time when we'll tell our news to people in the same carefree way that we did after we made it through the first trimester with D.

Wine glass watcher paranoia

First, a quick thank you to everyone for all the support over the past few weeks. I'm still a little bit of a basketcase, but I haven't had anymore abdominal pain, so I'm feeling much more restful. I'm still nauseous and tired, and have super sore boobs. All good signs of a growing baby.

I'm at a point in the pregnancy where I'm experiencing some major pregnancy paranoia. For instance, my Mom came over today and we got subs. I got a veggie sub to avoid deli meat. She probably thought nothing of it, but I felt the need to tell her that I don't like Subw.ay's turkey as much as D'an.gelo's (which is actually true). This past weekend, we had dinner with my brother's family and my cousin. I played up the idea of being reeeeeeeally tempted to have a margarita, but said that I had a headache so I thought I better not. Every time I'm put in that type of situation, I feel like I need to over-emphasize why I'm not drinking or doing such-and-such. (This morning, I was SO nauseous while my Mom was here, so I didn't have coffee. Then I got really tired and had to tell her it was because of no coffee, which was only partially true!) Mom did tell me today that I look like I've lost weight (haha!) so maybe she hasn't caught on.

T and I haven't even talked about when we might tell our parents and siblings about this pregnancy, assuming that it lasts. I've gone through some changes of heart on the subject. After the first m/c, I didn't tell my parents I was pregnant again until the baby had already died. That kind of sucked, so I decided I would tell them sooner the third time so that at least I would have someone to be happy with, for however long it lasted. That kind of sucked too because it meant having another person worrying about a pregnancy that might not last. (That one was a pretty rocky pregnancy from the start.) This time, I haven't really put a label on when or who or what, with regard to telling, but I just know that I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think too far ahead.

I will say that right now, after Monday's good heartbeat, I'm feeling fairly calm. If the progesterone was the issue, I think we could actually have a baby in July. If the luteal ph.ase defect was the issue, I think we could actually have a baby in July. If something else was the issue, then who knows. But the one thing I know right now is that I'm pregnant right at this moment, and I am very, very grateful for that.

Unexpected visit to the OB

I went in this morning for an impromptu u/s and quick meeting with a nurse because I was having some abdominal pain Saturday afternoon and Sunday on and off throughout the day. It didn't feel variable like cramping usually does, but it was pretty uncomfortable and completely freaked me out. (I made a lot of panty-liner-check trips to the bathroom yesterday and the day before.) Dr. Google says that cramping and abdominal pain (without bleeding) can be normal during pregnancy, but I'd prefer none, thankyouverymuch. It was just a a dull pain on both sides. Not unbearable, just uncomfortable. I don't remember this from any of my pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, but I also can't remember if it happened when I was pregnant with D. The nurse told me that sometimes if you've had a pregnancy before, your body "knows what to do" and you get round ligament pains earlier than in first pregnancies.

I'm still so tired, and the nausea is fairly constant, although it doesn't seem quite as bad as last week. Oh, and I have a yeast infection (awesome.) I would have to say that it's one of the most uncomfortable things about this pregnancy. The doctor doesn't want me to treat it until after 12 weeks, (and with the progesterone suppositories, treating probably wouldn't do any good) so for now I'll have to just suffer through.

So anyway, the u/s... Baby is fine for now. It's measuring exactly on schedule at 7 w, 3 d. (That's 3 days ahead of what my lmp says it should be.) Heart rate today was 145 today (up from 117 last week), so that's encouraging. The nurse said to keep my appointment for later this week, so I get to (hopefully) see the baby again, and another nice strong heartbeat.

Symptom update

Just a quick symptom update for posterity:

All day sickness is an every day occurrence, but thankfully I'm just nauseous, I don't actually get sick. The smell of coffee (and certain other things) makes me sick, but if I don't have a cup (half decaf, which is what I always drink) I turn into a zombie by 10 am. I've found that the smell is the worst, but drinking the actual coffee is still okay. Same with some other foods. The smells make me nauseous, but when I'm actually eating them, they taste okay or even good.

Boobs are still super tender. Tired all the time.

Because of all this nausea, I've lost 3 pounds in the past couple of weeks. I know you shouldn't lose weight when you're pregnant, but I lost 5 pounds in the first trimester with D because of the all day sickness. Anything about this pregnancy that reminds me of the that pregnancy makes me really happy.

I'm still nervous every day. Today, I had some discomfort in my abdominal region, (which was not cramping) but anything that could "almost be cramping" sends me to places where I don't want my mind to go. I have to keep reminding myself that my bad track record does NOT mean that this pregnancy will turn out badly. That's the hardest part.

Don't want to be a fool

I'm so worried about posting about all my "symptoms" only to be told on Monday that there's nothin' doin' in there. Is it just me? I don't want to talk about how wonderful the symptoms are and then feel like an idiot later. I don't want to embarrass myself.

I just read back in my blog to see if I had written about symptoms with my last two pregnancies. Really, from what I wrote, it sounds like I didn't have a lot of symptoms at all. (Particularly, the pregnancy that only made it to 6 weeks produced almost no symptoms.)

I know I remember being very, very tired during one of my pregnancies, and having a lot of headaches. That must have been my first miscarriage because it's not in my blog. I remember how angry I was that I still felt like crap when I found out the baby had died almost two weeks earlier.

In the last couple of days I've been having some familiar "all-day sickness" that I remember having through the 4th month when I was pregnant with D. Luckily, I don't vomit, but I feel queasy for most of the day some days. I've also had slight headaches, and my boobs are still really sore.

I'm cautiously optimistic (and I didn't really feel that way last time) about my appointment on Monday. I almost want to whisper it when I say... this pregnancy feels like my pregnancy with D...

Just in case you were wondering...

Although it's not exciting, I decided to post today with a symptom update for two reasons. One, so I'll have a record of what symptoms I had, and when, and Two so that anyone else who reads this looking for "symptoms and when other people experienced them" can hopefully get some answers.

Here's the rundown:

I'm 5 weeks, 2 days today. I've had sore boobs (especially nipples) the whole time (I love this symptom and hope it stays because it calms me.) I have had some nasty heartburn - mostly at night - and indigestion/fullness throughout the day, even when I haven't eaten much. I've had some diarrhea for the last week, off and on. (Sorry ladies, we're brutally honest here, aren't we?) I haven't had any headaches, and I don't feel like I've been overly tired during the day, although I feel like I fall asleep on the couch more easily at night these days. The streak of blood that I had the other day has not reappeared (and honestly, a normal pregnant woman who is not psycho-analyzing her tp probably wouldn't have noticed it.)

By the way, this is not pregnancy related, but I am ALWAYS cold in the winter. I think I need to start a Mr. Rogers routine and keep a cardigan in my coat closet to wear whenever I'm not wearing a coat. (And for the record, I'm wearing a coat now. In my house.)

Just hanging out...

Yup, I'm just hanging out poking my boobs and checking the tp.

Totally normal, right? C'mon, you know you all do it too.

Things are status quo for now, and that's just fine with me.

HPT review, among other things

I've been waiting to be happy. I got a veeeeeeery faint positive on Thursday, and it was after my 10 minutes were up. (It came up faintly positive sometime between about 7 and 20 minutes. I called it an encouraging evaporation line...) I didn't want to post about it because I was afraid of embarrassing myself and having to take it back.

Friday and Saturday, I got veeeeery faint positives on the same kind of test (ba.bywish.es.org cheapie), and they were both within my 10 minutes, and quicker to develop each time. But it was still reallllly faint. I wasn't ready to jump up and down until I saw that line getting darker. I was still thinking chemical pregnancy or early m/c.

Two days ago I had lower back pain all night, and yesterday my intestines were doing some funky things (gas, not-quite-thebigD, but close). Those can both be signs of early pregnancy OR miscarriage.

Today I got a positive after about 3 minutes, still pretty faint, but definitely there.

I was tired of the ambiguity and wanted a real-smack-you-in-the-face positive before I was ready to celebrate.

So I brought out the Big Guns.

E.
P.
T.

As the moisture spread across the window, there was already a vertical line. That sucker is BLUE.



I'm still nervous, but I'm ready to be optimistic. The timing was ideal (O on day 14) for a really strong, really cushy lining, and a great start for a little egg.

Hang in there this time baby. Hang on.


*************
HPT review: As far as I'm concerned, the Bab.ywis.hes.org tests are good for early results. They have a sensitivity to 20. However, if you want to get a real strong, obvious result, the brand names still seem to rule.

Random nothingness

My son has a cold (go figure... it's June) and I of course, because I have no immune system, got it too. I don't feel terrible but it's definitely a reminder that preggos can't escape germs.

I'm still tired, but not much else to report in terms of symptoms. My boobs are tender, but not "sore." I have to just kind of assume that everything is going as it should until I find out differently. When I was at Tar.get today, I peeked at the baby clothes. I couldn't help myself.

I'm still on my "clean-out" kick and just unloaded a big box of candles from the basement on Freecycle.org today. Little did I know how many people would want a box of candles. Holy smokes. I got about 30 replies, I would say. Crazy.

My body seems to be craving fruit these days. Unfortunately, I have a bunch of leftover brownies. Brownies and fruit go well together, right? ;)

Status Quo

Status quo. That's what I told my friend when she asked a couple of weeks ago how the "getting pregnant" stuff was going. Okay, it was a lie, but I just didn't feel like getting into it with her. (She knows about the miscarriages, but not that I'm pregnant again.) Somehow, if she had asked about how I was doing with dealing with the miscarriages, it would have felt different than her asking how I was doing with the "pregnancy" thing. One way it's concern, the other way it kinda feels like satisfying her curiosity.

On the pregnancy front, no additional spotting after yesterday, so that's comforting. I've had a left-side-of-the-forehead headache for a couple of days, which I'm now willing to call a symptom. I've also been tired for the past few days. I told T this morning that now that I know I'm actually still pregnant, I'm willing to believe that the lethargy is an actual pregnancy symptom, and not just my body being lazy. :)

Time to make carrot cake with cream cheese frosting to celebrate the fathers in my life tomorrow (notably my dad, T, and my brother.)

With Father's Day tomorrow, my thoughts go out to all of the ladies (and their hubbies) out there still waiting for their babes.

Symptom?

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's "Holiday Stress" related. But. I have a headache. Since last night. And it's all on the right side of my temple. Plus, I'm feeling just the tiniest bit queasy. If I didn't know better, I might think these were symptoms... *Crossing fingers*

What kind of freak wishes to be nauseous on Thanksgiving? (Then again, I'm sure you can all relate!)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Same old, same old

I wish I had something interesting to write but the truth is, same sh!t, different day. No headache, no sore boobs, no morning sickness, but still no period. I guess that's the best sign. God knows, if I DO get the headaches and morning sickness later, I'll be kicking myself for not enjoying the lack thereof at the beginning. But there's still that nagging thought in my brain that says "you might not have any symptoms because you already miscarried and your body doesn't know (again)."

Remarkably, I'm much more calm than I would have expected to be. Since I have nothing telling me I'm pregnant except for the positive test, I would have thought I'd be obsessing, but I'm doing okay. (I admit that I've made a couple semi-frantic trips to the bathroom when things felt like they might be "leaking" but have ended up with no adverse result.) I feel like I'm almost in a zen state of "whatever will be will be" since there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Just continuing to wait and hope.

Oh, but I do have one interesting thing to report which is that I went to my cousin's baby shower this weekend. It turns out the trip.lets are IDEN.TICAL, and they were naturally conceived after surgery for endo. (Apparently iden.tical tripl.ets are like a one-in-fifty-bajillion chance.) I had no problem there - i.e. wasn't feeling emotional or anything - and I told her that I'm happy to help her out in any way I can. I'm hoping to go up there a few times before she delivers because she lives not too far from me. I can't give too much advice on tripl.ets, but I can at least be of some help with being a first-time parent. I know when I was a new Mom, I was taking all the advice I could get...

Nerves

It doesn't feel the same. Either my mind is playing tricks on me, or this just doesn't feel the same. I can't remember how I'm supposed to feel, but I want some sore boobs and a nice headache and a little nausea. Please. And I'd like a side of pickle craving, too.

I'm nervous.

Common Ground

It really is amazing how common miscarriage is.

I had lunch with a friend of mine today, and after a couple hours of chit-chat, she confided in me that she had been pregnant in January and had miscarried sometime in her 7th or 8th week. Of course, I then told her about my recent miscarriage and we went on to talk about how common it is.

I was also talking to someone else about miscarriage on the phone last night. She went through IVF treatments and now has a healthy baby to show for it, but we were talking about how infertility, miscarriage, and loss in all forms are things that are just not spoken about. It's really quite amazing to me that infertility, which affects so many, and miscarriage and loss (which affects 25% of women) are like dirty little secrets that people feel almost ashamed of.

Something that I'm having a difficult time grappling with is the almost... I don't know... competition (?) between women with different issues. Is it harder to have infertility issues that make it difficult or impossible to get pregnant, or is it harder to have multiple miscarriages? Does a woman who has a healthy child (or two, or three) have less validity to her grief over a miscarriage than someone who has no children? Is it fair for an infertile to judge a pregnant woman for complaining about her pregnancy symptoms using the "I would kill to be in her shoes" line of thought? Is it fair for fertile people to think, "you can just adopt," or "why are you so bitter?" about people who are infertile? Is it even fair to judge someone who is a great parent, has had no dealings with infertility, but who feels overwhelmed with their kids sometimes?

I'll tell you the truth. I've known people who've gone through IVF and then have gone on to have children. They still complain about the pregnancy symptoms. They even *gasp* complain about their KIDS sometimes after they have them. No matter what you've gone through, some of the symptoms of pregnancy are NO FUN. Some days raising children is NO FUN either!!

NO pregnancy is easy. You get nauseous. You get headaches. You have cravings. You worry about gaining too much weight. You worry about not gaining enough weight. Your skin doesn't fit right. You get stretch marks and varicose veins. Maybe you're constipated and get hemorrhoids. UGH. What's fun about that??

I guess my point in the end is that it's so easy to get lost in our own specific issues. I'm not trying to minimize the personal stories of each individual, but it seems to me that there is so much common ground. If there's something that I've learned from reading so many blogs, it's that the old adage about walking in another person's shoes really is true.

I've gained so much from reading other people's stories. I hope that now or in the future if I write something that you don't agree with, (and you can count on it) you can at least file it into your "common ground" file, and remember that the roads down which we all walk are really more similar than they are different.