Milestones

Yesterday marked two things: 24 weeks in this pregnancy, and the day that we would have celebrated Grey's first birthday. It seems amazing to think that I would have a one year old today if I hadn't had my first miscarriage. In all honesty, I wasn't as sad as I expected to be. I still wish that he/she had made it, but it's amazing what a year and a half of healing can do for you.

Instead of lamenting what could have been, I'm choosing to celebrate the amazing life that is growing inside of me today, and hoping for the best.

Next on the worry list

In general, I'm feeling upbeat and optimistic about the outcome of this pregnancy. I feel the baby kicking a lot, and when I have any doubts, I can pull out the trusty doppler and check on it. At this point, my biggest pregnancy fears are cord accidents and stillbirth. I would love to say that I don't think about those things, but it's the truth. I still worry that we're just not this lucky...

On a less serious note, I'm worried about breastfeeding. Any of you who have had babies or are pregnant have posted anything about breastfeeding fears have probably gotten a comment from me. When people are worried, I generally tell them that it's very, very difficult, and that there is no shame in not being able to breastfeed. I do truly believe that. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to try again. Last time I failed. I'm terrified of failing again.

My major problems with D were these:
1. Uncooperative baby: He was a stroooooong little sucker right from day one, and he struggled against me as I tried to position his head correctly for a good latch
2. Stress of lack of sleep, trying to close on a house, living out of boxes, and trying to pack the rest of my house all with a brand newborn
3. High blood pressure exacerbated by all of the above stresses
4. Me not drinking enough liquids because of all the above distractions, and not realizing how important hydration is when trying to breastfeed
5. D not gaining enough weight because of the lack of good latch and (probably) my dehydration
6. Hour and a half round trips to the new house for pediatrician appointments, lawyer/realtor meetings, etc, all the while trying to juggle BFing a newborn in a variety of less than ideal places

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of breastfeeding "support" groups that will make me feel more like a failure if I feel like I can't do it again. I'm worried about "wasting" money on formula, when I have two perfectly good boobs that should be able to feed my baby.

What I'm not worried about is raising a baby on formula, or not bonding with them because of not breastfeeding. I know that formula grows babies just fine, and I've had no problem bonding with D due to not breastfeeding him. I just have a lot of good reasons for wanting to breastfeed, and I don't want to fail again.

Boring update

Didn't that title just pull you right in? I should be in journalism or something.

The truth is, this is boring. I'm still sick. The Amm.oxicillin is not working as well as I had hoped. I still have the sinus headache. I still can't breathe through my nose, especially when I sleep, which means waking up every. single. day. for a week and a half straight with my mouth so dry that it feels like it's cracking inside. (I'm thinking the Ammox. might be dehydrating me too, because I've been craving water like a camel.)

Called this morning and left a message with my PCP that I'm still sick, so she called in a prescription for Zithr.omax. Hopefully THIS one will work! D is feeling much better, which is awesome, however he now has waaaaaaay more energy than I do again, which makes spending the day with him very tiring! (Still glad he's not sick anymore, though.)

I have an OB appointment this week, and I don't have an ultrasound scheduled at this one. It's kind of strange. It's the very first time that I will go to the office and NOT have an u/s and I'm sort of wondering what the heck we're going to do! Of course, I remember many appointments with D when my OB just used the doppler to check on D, so I assume that this OB will do the same, but this feels like a very "run of the mill pregnancy" kind of thing to do... An appointment with no pictures? How novel!

Happy 33

Today is my 33rd birthday. I've always loved my birthday. I kind of have a hard time understanding how anyone doesn't love their birthday. It's a day when people give you good wishes, and tell you how much they appreciate you. A day you don't really share with many other people, unlike a lot of other holidays. It's always been a fun day for me.

This year is a mix of emotions.

The bad:

I have had a cold for almost two weeks, which has turned into sinusi.tis because of my crappy immune system (when I'm pregnant). I've been on some meds since Tuesday, but as of today, I still kind of feel like I've been punched in the face, and I really can't breathe through my nose.

D is getting into his "aggressive 2 / 3 year old" phase. He's testing boundaries, throwing toys, looking you straight in the eye when you tell him not to do something and doing it anyway... His new favorite words are "MINE!" and "NO!" (He's talking in full sentences, but these are words he has just begun to use more often, and with more gusto than before.) I'm not sure if the past two weeks have really been so much worse, or if my cold has just made it seem that way.

The good:

This is my 200th post. I was thinking about trying to write something really awesome for this post but then I decided that a birthday post would be good enough. :)

I am 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant today. Baby has started moving around enough that T has been able to feel its kicks from the outside a couple of times in the past few days. I am so blessed.

Although D tries my patience on an almost hourly basis, I am so, so lucky to have him. He's an amazingly sweet and thoughtful little guy. He's happy much more than he's unhappy, and his enthusiasm for life just melts my heart.

T is taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday. I may not be able to drink, and I may not be able to taste anything because of my sinusi.tis, but damnit, we have a babysitter, and I'm determined to enjoy a night out! :)

The all clear

Today was my follow-up lev.el II ul.trasound. Baby was uncooperative again, and turned in the wrong direction, but the doctor was able to see enough to say that she doesn't see any reason for concern. We've effectively been given the "all clear," and to tell the truth, I hardly know what to do with myself. Of course, I'll continue to be nervous as I have been, but knowing that we don't really have anything imminent to worry about is kind of refreshing!

D and I both have a cold, which is irritating because I can't take any good medicine (I'm normally a big fan of Nyquil) and there's really nothing that you can give a 2 year old to make them feel better when they have a cold besides Motrin and Tylenol. I wish he could at least handle a Ricola or something. Poor guy has such a cough! :( The upside of him being sick is that he's much more snuggly when he's sick.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. A lot of people said that my friends are probably all happy for me, and believe me, I really do know that. However, I know that there's also probably some pain there, and I don't want to be the person to cause pain. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not resentful of those people. I really just wish things were different for them. In general, I will continue to wait for them to ask about the baby, and only then will I talk about it.

After I posted that post, I told the women in D's playgroup about the pregnancy. They were all so excited, and I did end up telling them about my losses. It was a really great feeling, and I know that the more people I'm able to tell, the less lonely I will feel.

Later this week, I have my follow-up lev.el II ultras.ound. I'm mostly nervous, but I'm also excited to see the little person again. Praying that everything is okay, and that the baby was just too small and turned in the wrong direction for them to see the "structures" they needed to see the last time. I had a little bit of a tough weekend with worrying about "doppler." It's been moving around and kicking me sometimes, which helps, but yesterday when I was listening on the doppler, the heartrate dipped while I was listening, then shot right back up, and it had me worrying about cord accidents and other fun things. I listened again this morning, and everything sounds fine. The worry just never goes away.

I've been continuing to see my new therapist every three weeks or so, and she's helping me to feel like I'm making normal choices and having normal thoughts. The irony is that we haven't really been talking that much about my pregnancy over the past couple of sessions. We've been talking about a lot of other things that go much deeper, like my relationships, especially with my mom. I've seen two other people in my life, and this woman is head and shoulders above either of them in terms of being helpful. So happy to have her.