Infertility, you can suck it.

You're a bee-otch. There. I said it. I hate you.

I'm really wrestling right now with the if and the when of trying again.

We have a boy and a girl, both healthy, and both past the hardest parts of baby-dom (the sleepless nights, nursing, crying.) I wish I could say that I feel done, but I'm just not sure.

It would be easier if I knew for SURE that I wanted another. There are so many reasons that it makes sense to stop now, and if I'm being honest, I see other mothers with newborns and think to myself, "I'm glad that's not me." But the thing is, I'm really just glad that I don't have THEIR kid. I'm one of those people. I don't love all babies, but I love my babies.

If we try again I have to go to a new R.E. to get progesterone because my O.B. doesn't prescribe that. I also would prefer to NOT give birth in the dead of winter (I know, I know, I don't really have a choice) so we would either start trying again very soon, or not until spring. Who knows how long it would take this time? The big "AMA" (advanced maternal age) looms in my future when I complete this trip around the sun. The thought of extra tests for that doesn't sit well with me.

Am I tempting fate?

There are multiple people in my life struggling with fertility issues. I worry that my having another baby will inevitably hurt them, and that's not something I want to do.

I worry that I could miscarry again. Maybe more than once. What then? Will I ever be content to stop trying if we decide to start?

What if mythical sibling #3 is colicky or just plain fussy, or if adding another baby upsets the wonderful relationship between D & E?

But then I think about one of my kiddos having a same-sex sibling, which is something that I never had, but that I know many people cherish. I think about two brothers protecting E, or two sisters beating up on D and painting his toenails. :) I think about family Christmases with lots of kids. Weddings, grandkids, etc.

My life right now is pretty darn good. The idea of getting on the rollercoaster of hope and sadness and uncertainty makes me sick to my stomach. BUT, and it's a big but... I'm so afraid that if we don't try to have another that I might regret it in the future when it's too late for us.

Happy Belated to my Sunshine

She is a little light on cloudy days. She's challenging, but such a happy baby. She laughs ALL the time.

I can hardly believe it's been over a year now since we were blessed with her. Happy belated first birthday (by one month and two days) to my little E-berry.

Happy Birthday...

I don't think I've ever shared his picture before, but I'm at a place where I don't feel like this blog needs to be as private now. I've made it past the tears and sadness for now, and if someone I know happens to come across my story, it's probably because they're in the same boat.

That being said, happy 4th birthday to my sweet, funny, wonderful D. Mommy loves you more than you will ever know.

Hello, June

I just looked at the date of my last post and was like, WOAH. Hi there. It's June!

I know we all go through this, but I'm at a point where I don't "need" this community as much as I did before. I love to keep updated on what's going on with people and I've become Fa.cebook friends with some of you so that helps. I just don't need the ongoing support in the way that I did when I was pregnant and terrified.

The two kiddos have been keeping me quite busy. Hard to believe that D will be turning four and E will be ONE in July! The year has sped by.

E is crawling at the speed of light and loves to pull up on things. She's not quite furniture walking yet, but she's getting close. She still has only two teeth, but she's doing pretty well with mashing soft food between her gums. I've been making all of her baby food so I'm trying to get a little more creative with what I feed her so that she won't be a picky toddler. D loves fruit and veggies, but his palate is not as developed as I would like and I blame myself for some of that. Hoping to keep E more open to flavors!

D is getting ready to finish up his first year of preschool. He's such a good big brother in so many ways. He and E adore each other, though D does have some issues with jealousy over my needing to tend to E for obvious things she can't do for herself. We're looking forward to trying to teach him to ride a bike with training wheels this summer and hopefully get him in the water on our family vacation.

T and I are doing great. I'm down a little below my pre-pregnancy weight after the sevent.een da.y d.iet adventure that I talked about a few posts ago. (It worked pretty well for us, but was very restrictive, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to anyone.) He lost about 25 lbs. (men... though he did have more to lose than I did.) We went away for a three day trip to VT to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. Had such a nice time. My MIL and FIL stayed with the kids. So nice!

We've tossed the idea of "one more" back and forth and it makes me excited and nervous at the same time. The uncertainty of miscarriage makes it much more complicated. We're still undecided, but don't want to wait too long either, if we decide that's what we want. We want to be DONE with diapers when we're done, you know??!! :)

Moment of Zen

Life is always going, going, going.

When there are rare moments of Zen, they're precious.

It looks like my MIL and FIL are finally going to sell their beautiful vacation condo in Nor.folk, VA where T and I went on our "babymoon" of sorts, before E was born last year. It's a gorgeous apartment with large windows that overlook the ocean. We had the windows open all the time, even though it was April, because it was so warm. The apartment was constantly filled with delicious ocean air. We watched ships moving back and forth across the landscape, walked along the boardwalk, walked to the next town over for coffee.... Walked, walked, walked. If I could pick one place where right now in my life, I feel most relaxed, and most like a carefree adult, it's there. (Of course, we missed D like crazy and talked to him every day on the phone, but still.)

They've been talking about selling for years, but they've finally come to a place where it no longer makes sense for them to keep two houses. They just don't get enough use out of it. I know these things. I'm still sad though. I'm sad for them, because they love it too, and I'm sad at the thought of losing my Zen place.

There's not enough Zen going around these days.

Spring cleansing

Spring is in the air here in the Northeast! It's a beautiful, breezy Friday and we're going to take a walk this afternoon. :) That makes me very happy.

Here are some updates for you, since I know you've been waiting eagerly for me to post. ;)

*D is a WAY better 3.5 year old than 3 year old. I've heard from a lot of people that the "first half" of each year is tougher than the second. He still has his moments, but for the most part, he amazes me almost on a daily basis with his sweetness.

*E is doing great. She is a little ray of sunshine, pretty much all the time. She's very seldom grumpy, and it's a joy to be her mom.

*Las.ik consultations in January= no go. I am not a candidate for Las.ik right now based on the severity of my astig.matism. I can only hope that over the next few years the lasers will get more advanced so they can handle me. I'm a little bummed that I stopped nursing E, in part, so that I could have this surgery, but at the same time, with the supply issues I was having, it might have been a blessing in disguise.

*T and I just started this wacky cleansing diet on Tuesday. (Still struggling to get off and KEEP off those last few pounds of baby weight, and then some!) The claim is that you can lose 12-15 pounds or more in 17 days. I'm not usually a fad diet girl, but I figured this can be like a detox before starting to eat more carefully. Eating healthy foods is always easier as the weather improves because more delicious produce is available, and at better prices! I'll let you know if I'm still standing after 17 days.

*I appreciate the feedback on my last post. I did end up starting my money-saving blog up again. The main store I'm covering is regional, so if you're not from around here, those posts won't be of interest. However, if you'd like to visit my site for the other tips I'll be giving, or for the links to good coupon and deal websites, you can e-mail me at Wheresmywhitepicketfence@Hotmail.com and I'll send you the web address.

The money thing

Something that I almost never talk about on this blog is my (obsession) with saving money. Yes, sometimes I feel like in my real life I'm sort of "that person" who's always talking about the last deal I got, but I won't apologize. With one income, it's really helpful to save money wherever we can.

I've always used coupons, but about two years ago I began to really concentrate on trying to become a coupon queen who saves ridiculous amounts of money when I shop. I've had varying amounts of success over the two years, depending on how busy life has been, but now that E is getting a little older, I've been getting the "bug" again. I'm ready to start making some changes in the way we shop and eat to make an even bigger impact on our budget that I've made thus far.

I have a deal/money-saving blog. I have intentionally kept that blog separate from this one for obvious anonymity reasons. I haven't updated that blog for quite a while because it was SO time-consuming, and SO unrewarding. (People rarely comment on a blog like that unless you have an unbelievable number of followers.) I'm thinking that I want to start it up again and am wondering what you ladies think. With regard to blogs, does it turn you off when a blog isn't updated every day? Would you still be interested in reading a savings blog that was updated often, but NOT every day? I feel like I have a lot of good ideas and I'd love to share them, but I just don't have time to update all the time and keep up with every circular.

I have more stuff to update on, but I don't want to make this too long so I'm going to leave it at that.

The latest

It's strange to feel like I don't have much to say here. It's not that there's not a lot going on - there is. It's just a lot of real life stuff that doesn't really make for fabulous blog fodder.

E is growing like a weed. The interactions between her and D have been getting cooler (and sweeter) as every day passes. Nobody can make her laugh the way that he does. He's gotten used to the idea that she's going to stick around, and the biggest problem I have with him with regard to her these days is that he likes to wake her up when she's sleeping so that he has a playmate! (Even that is a little cute, although it's irritating to have a sleeping baby woken before she's ready to get up!) :)

D started potty training last Thursday, and I'm thrilled to say that he's doing fantastically well! I was nervous about the process, but it's gone so smoothly that I'm looking around for candid cameras. Clearly, he was just ready, but I do think that the method (which I got from a potty training workshop) is a good one. The basic idea is a cold turkey approach (no more diapers), ask them every 30 minutes if they need to use the potty, and they get one treat for trying, two for succeeding. (For us, we've used fruit snacks because they're something we don't usually give him.) Tomorrow is the first day out of the house (pre-school) since beginning the process, so that will be the real test!!

There are a few people in my life right now who are wading through the IV.F trenches, and are in different stages. All are veterans, so I'm trying to be supportive without being too "it will all work out" since both they and I know that it doesn't work out for everyone. However, I have great hope for all of them that they will be successful. It never ceases to amaze me how prevalent infertility is (in all of its many forms). If you pray, please say a little prayer for them that everything works out.

As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I'm looking into getting an elliptical machine to jumpstart my motivation, but am in a fairly happy place. D is now just over 3.5, and I said the other day that I'm not sure if I'm learning how to deal with him better, or if he's possibly becoming a little easier to deal with. Might be some of both. Either way, I'll take it. ;) When it comes to E, she's an absolute joy. I can't believe how lucky I've been to have two such sweet and wonderful kiddos.

I've enjoyed keeping up with everyone's blogs and try to comment as much as I can, but I apologize if that's not that much. :) Hope everyone is doing well.