I missed it

I looked at the date today and realized that yesterday I missed my third due date. It slipped my mind. I mean, I knew it was coming. Even last week, I knew that it was coming up, but I just... I don't know. I just didn't have that same feeling this time.

Maybe this one was easier because I knew that it was not genetically normal (as I talked about in this post) and wouldn't have survived no matter what. Maybe it helps that I'm pregnant this time. Maybe it was easier because it was the third, and it's almost routine by now. (That sounds horrible, but you know what I mean.) I'm still feeling a little guilty. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a few other things on my mind... but... I feel guilty that I didn't acknowledge this day as I did for our other two losses.

I'm sorry, little person. I wish you had made it, but you weren't meant to be.

Due date

Today is baby Grey's due date. I thought I would have a harder time with the day, but I'm really doing okay. I guess that's because today isn't the day I lost Grey. Really, that was months and months ago, and I've already had time to grieve. My husband said to me today, "will this help with closure for you?" I told him that I honestly don't know if there will be a year when I don't think about Grey on March 26th. I don't cry all the time anymore, though. I don't even think about the babies every day really. Today is my day though. This is the day when I'll remember that Grey should be here and he/she isn't.

To remember Grey, we went out and bought some balloons and I wrote a short note on one of them. We went onto the back porch and released them into the sky. Each year I'm sure it will get a little easier, and I may not always feel the need to commemorate the day in such a way... but for this year, that's what I needed to do.