Can hardly believe it

I keep waiting for the end of the road. Every day that goes by makes me think I might be one day closer to doom, but it just doesn't seem to come.

I'm 11w5d today. That's almost 12 weeks pregnant, and it's 2 full weeks further than I made it with Grey. I'm not going to make any sweeping statements like "I'm almost there" or anything, but I just can't believe I've made it this far.

I had an u/s yesterday, and I was so relieved that it was scheduled, because I woke up with some brown discharge on my pantyliner. Sorry to be graphic, but I think it may be dried blood from my very, very sore yeast infection rather than anything going on inside (since there was nothing there when I wiped.) After I discovered the discharge, I felt some sharp-ish pains in my very lower abdomen, which had me a little freaked out, but I had heard the little person on the doppler the night before so I knew that it was probably still kicking.

The u/s was fine. Heartbeat was 161, and she found no signs of any bleeding inside that should have caused the discharge. She also said that my cervix is long and closed, which is a relief since I'm a little worried about the possibility of incompetent cervix due to my 3 D&Es. The baby was waving its arms around which was really cool. (It's amazing how little I remember of my ultrasounds with D, but after all, it was almost 3 years ago, and there were FAR fewer ultrasounds with him!)

My symptoms are still kicking, but I feel like my all-day-sickness is getting a little better. It's still there, but eating usually helps now (it didn't always at the beginning). I'm still down about 6 or 8 pounds from where I started because of the nausea, but I have no doubt that I'll make up for that later in the pregnancy. My nipples are still sore, but not as bad, and I've had a couple of days when they were itchy and a little tingly, which I remember from my pregnancy with D, and also from post-partum with him when I was trying to breas.tfeed. I'm still super tired, and looking forward to (hopefully) making it to the fun part of pregnancy when I have energy and appetite again.

In other news...

I am 9w5d today. Providing I make it through today, I will officially be further along than I made it with any of my miscarriages.

I had a little freak-out on Sunday. I had a minimal amount of brown discharge, and a few veeeeeeery small pink streaks mixed in with my cm when I wiped. I happened to be at my BIL and SIL's house at the time, and it was all I could do to keep my composure until we left, at which point, I of course burst into tears. The answering service at my ob's office told me to go to the ER to get checked out because of my history, and thank goodness, everything was fine. Baby was measuring 9w1d by their u/s, with a heart rate of 180. No real reason for the pink.

I'm still nervous about the pink, but I had another doctor's appointment yesterday and baby was measuring 9w4d with a heartrate of 176. All good. No more pink since Sunday. The doc sent me to get a Rhogam shot just in case (since I'm Rh-).

Remember how disenchanted I was with my last doctor? Can I just tell you how much I LOVE this doctor? "Why don't we see you in two weeks for another u/s, and then we'll do the nuchal scan 2 weeks after that?" He reassured me that they would be checking me all the time throughout the whole pregnancy, which made me feel so much better. I don't want to be the crazy obsessive prego who's running in for an u/s for every little twinge, but frankly, I'M STILL FREAKED OUT. Hard to convince yourself that "everything will be fine" after so many losses.

As a reminder that there are no guarantees, an uber-fertile friend of mine who has three kids (who had one prior blighted ovum in between #2 and #3) just went in for her 18 week u/s with #4 and found out that the baby had stopped growing at 13 weeks. I can't even imagine. I really feel like it must almost feel like a stillbirth to her. I mean, the baby was only 13 weeks, but in her mind, she was almost halfway through the pregnancy. No guarantees, ladies... no matter how "fertile" you may be.

Quick update

We've passed our first hurdle!

I love, love, love the new doctor so far, so I'm SO excited about that.

I am exactly 6 weeks today, per my lmp (last menstrual period).

The embryo (just one) is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day, and the sac is measuring right on target at 6 weeks 1 day as well. The size of the yolk was good. (If it's too big, that's a bad thing.) There are no hematomas (YAY).

The heartbeat is only 117, which makes me nervous, but I'm willing to be still cautiously optimistic. The doctor said that anything above 110 has only a 1-2% chance of miscarriage (in a normal person, of course.) He said that he's not worried about it. The hb can be lower in the beginning of pregnancy and significantly rise within a couple of weeks.

I have another ultrasound next week (YAY again!) and we'll be hoping for the heartbeat to be up to 140-150 bpm.

Finally, some good news

I'm shocked. I was really, truly, about 85% prepared to schedule a D&E for next week. However... I had my ultrasound this morning, and the little bugger is growing! I'm still not out of the woods by any means, but I'm feeling a little more at peace.

The ultrasound was TORTURE. My eyes filled with tears before she began, because I was so sure I was about to get bad news. She stuck the probe in and started taking measurements of what looked to me like black holes, and I said, "that's it and there's nothing there, right?" She said she was just taking measurements of my ovaries. So maybe about three full minutes into the ultrasound, she finally said, "there's a baby, and there's a heartbeat."

I'm measuring 6w 6d (which isn't surprising based on the way my son's pregnancy went) and the baby grew an appropriate amount since the last appointment. Heartbeat is 150. The hematoma is shrinking. (It went from 2.5 cm last time to 10 mm this time.)

One thing that I'm very nervous about is that there was a lot of blood on the ultrasound probe when the tech took it out. I told the doctor and she said to take it easy, but that "the blood needs to come out somehow" (from the shrinking hematoma) so she doesn't see any reason for concern unless there is any new bleeding. She also said that sometimes the cervix can bleed from the stimulation because there's so much blood flow to the area.

The doc had me get an early Rhogam shot because of the bleeding, but her take-home message was that "there is reason to be optimistic."

Next ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

100th post and fuzzy blob on the U/S

I started writing this post in my mind multiple times over the last few days. I was thinking about writing about a friend who is a little pushy, and then I thought about writing about my awesome deals at CVS this week, or about my new raised vegetable and herb gardens of which I'm so proud, but none of those seemed to be big enough. See, this is my 100th post. It feels like I just started this blog, but really it's been almost 9 months.

I decided that I should save the 100th post for something momentous, like the first ultrasound of the baby that I'm hoping is going to be "the one." So I did.

The ultrasound was this morning. My blood pressure was 140/86. Awesome. (For those who aren't keeping track of their blood pressure, this is NOT awesome, but it was also BEFORE the ultrasound and I was very nervous.)

The ultrasound was pretty much as I expected it to be. There was a fuzzy blob. The tech kept measuring things which made me wonder if she was finding cysts. The tech won't tell you much, but it seemed that everything looked relatively normal.

When I met with Dr. N., he said that the sac looks normal and the yolk is a good size. That's good news. However, I have a small hematoma (blood clot) adjacent to the sac which he is concerned about. He asked if I have had any spotting or cramping. No and no. (I have had some sort of bloated feelings, but not cramping.) I will continue with the once daily baby aspirin, and to try to keep the hematoma from growing larger, he is changing my proges.terone. I will be going from the Crin.one 8% gel to a twice daily suppository. Yes, folks. I'm going from 90mg per day to 400mg per day (the maximum dosage they use.) Unleash the demons of Satan!! Of course, as soon as I told him I haven't been crampy, I started feeling crampy. I told Dr. N. that, and he said that can be normal because of the vag. ultrasound.

I asked Dr. N if I should double up on my prenatal vitamin to get more folic acid (as nurse nice-but-useless told me to. Twice.) and he said no. Oy. I asked if I would be considered high rick because of the hematoma and he said that after I make it past the first trimester I will not be considered high risk. I'll have a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks, when hopefully (if all goes well) we'll be able to see a heartbeat.

So I'm sitting here a couple of hours later, still a bit crampy, and hoping that we're able to hold onto this pregnancy for longer than the last two.

Gots me some follicles!

Okay, so this wasn't precisely how I was expecting things to go. I really don't want to mess up and start the progesterone and baby aspirin too late, so I'm concerned about when I ovulate. I took your advice and called the doctor yesterday (day 15) and said that the OPK wasn't positive yet. They confirmed the date of my LMP and confirmed that my schedule is usually around 28 days (it is) and said, "can you come in for an ultrasound?" Hells yeah, I can! (Nothing I like better than the ultrasound wand (a.k.a. dildo-cam). The fact that they put all that KY sh*t and the condom on it really is the cherry on top, isn't it?

So they checked my follicles and I have one that's 23mm, so the ultrasound tech said "you'll probably ovulate any minute." But I haven't yet. That means two things: 1. T is a walking around with a friggin' perma-grin on his face, because this is the most s.ex he's had in a long while and 2. I have to go back to Tar.get to buy more of those blasted OPKs. (Thanks again to everyone for your input about the OPKs since I really still don't know what I'm doing.)

So I'll just be here, peeing on more sticks, waiting for my test line to be DARKER than my control line. (Oh, and I've had to start taking the test first thing when I get up, which my doctor okayed, because drinking coffee, a diuretic, at 7:30 am and then waiting 4 hours to pee do NOT mix.)

More Nerves

Tomorrow is the big day. We're going for my first appointment. I'm thrilled, but at the same time I'm terrified of seeing a big black empty ultrasound screen. The thought of the ultrasound re-opens the not so distant memories of my last ultrasound... No heartbeat, no baby...

More than likely, by the time a lot of people read this post, I'll already know the answer, but please keep your fingers crossed for a live baby on the ultrasound screen.