One quarter of a year

Hard to believe, but E turned three months old last week. As you can tell from my lack of posts, life is very busy.

Some things I don't want to forget about this time in her life:
The little coos that she makes when she's trying to "talk"
The first giggles that we've heard from her in the past few weeks
The way she looks adoringly at her brother when he's anywhere near her
The way she looks when she's sleeping
The little "squee, squee, squee" noise that keeps us awake when she's sucking on her hand in the middle of the night

Everything about having another baby is wonderful. I don't know if it's because we are more experienced now, or if it's just because she's a more laid-back baby, (which she most definitely is) but I feel like life is very normal right now. I remember when D was a baby that it took somewhere in the neighborhood of a YEAR for me to feel like life was normal again. The difference though, is that this time around, I was already used to caring for someone other than myself. I was already used to having to work my trips to the store around feedings and naps. I was already a mommy.

I finished breastfeeding about 2 weeks ago, and although it was a very emotional time, I'm doing fine now (though I still wish I could go back and do it all over.) In the end, if I'm able to get the Lasik surgery in December, it will have been the right decision, and I'll be able to look back on it without (much) regret.

In the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about whether this is "it" for us in the child-bearing department. When E was a couple of weeks old, I was sure that we were done. I was exhausted, I was emotional, and I remember telling myself to stop and remember the feeling of that moment if I ever felt like I wanted another one.

But the thing is...

That emotion and exhaustion fades, and all I can see now is my beautiful daughter's face, and think to myself that I want this again. I want the feeling of complete and utter love that comes with all of the firsts; first smile, first giggle, first time on a tricycle, first day of preschool... No, I don't want it right now, but maybe someday.

What I've said to my husband (who thinks I'm crazy to think that we can afford a third!) is that I'm not SURE that I want another one, I'm just sure that I'm NOT sure I'm done. So I guess for now, that will have to be good enough.

Winding down

A long while ago, I posted about not being able to get Lasik surgery while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

The time has come.

We have money put aside in an FSA (tax free flexible spending account) and it has to be used by the end of this year. I can't just "wait until next year." Because of all the changes in healthcare, FSA money can no longer be used on Lasik surgery as of January. That means that if I want to pay for at least part of my surgery with tax free money, it has to be done by December 31st. And I have to stop breastfeeding two months before the consultation. That means I basically have to stop breastfeeding now in order to have the consultation mid-December, and the surgery at the end of December.

After all that I've gone through with trying to up my milk supply, I started to wean a couple of weeks ago. I stopped the Fenugreek. I stopped the Brewer's yeast/beer. I'm tapering off the Reglan. I dropped pumping from 6 times per day to 3 times per day, to 1 time per day. Today, I pumped in the morning, and will attempt to make it overnight tonight and then let E feed first thing tomorrow morning. My supply is dwindling. If I had ever been able to produce more than two or three bottles a day, I think the decision would have been harder, but I knew I was never going to be able to feed her breastmilk exclusively.

So I have to tell you that after all this shit, and how much I HATED breastfeeding, when I think about the fact that this is really the end, all I want to do is cry. Who knew that I would be so emotional about it? WTF? The first month, I wanted to stop EVERY. DAY. And now that I'm really stopping, I don't want to. I'll feel myself tearing up just thinking about it, and all I can do is laugh at myself for being such a schizo.

The only consolation I have is that I feel like I really did it. I know how to do it now. E knows how to do it. Those mornings when my supply is good and E is getting plenty of milk and is content, I actually like it. I never thought I would say that. I guess that's why it's just so damn hard to give it up...

(Oh, and by the way, we're all doing pretty well other than that.) ;)

Full Circle

I wrote my first blog entry on Wednesday, September 17, 2008. I had just had my first miscarriage. It seems like it was so much longer ago than that. I re-read that post, and it seems like those feelings and that sadness happened longer ago than just two years.

Life is fast these days. There's a lot going on in this house with a husband, a cat, a two-month old and a three year old. Let's just say that trying to get my s**t together in time to get D to preschool by 9 am is not easy. Before I leave, I get myself showered and dressed, get D fed and dressed, E fed and dressed, make coffee for myself and attempt to find time to shove some food into my system, and I pump twice. I realize I don't really have to be showered to drop him off, but so far that's my goal.

Preschool has had a rocky start. D didn't cry when I dropped him off the first day, but cried multiple times that day after I left. Then the next two days, he cried bloody murder when I dropped him off, but didn't cry after that. On the bright side, he did NOT have to be potty trained, so that's one battle I don't have to fight. I *think* he's starting to like it better, so hopefully drop-off won't continue to be a battle.

This life is not always easy, but it's amazingly rewarding to look at my family and know how much love there is in this house. I wish I could go back to the me of my very first blog post and tell her that the road would be rocky, but it would all turn out okay.

Thank you all for telling me not to sweat the small stuff so much. In the end, it doesn't matter how long I breastfeed (which I'm still trying to do because I guess I'm a masochist.) It doesn't matter that my house isn't "company ready" at all times. It doesn't matter if I yell at D more than I would like, because at the end of the day, he knows that he's safe here, and he knows that I love him.

Full circle. From devastating loss to overwhelming love. I am so lucky.

Doctor's orders

Well, not exactly a REAL doctor's orders, but Dr. Google, anyway. Dr. Google tells me that I should try having a beer every day to increase my milk supply. Now THAT's advice that I can get behind! ;) Alternatively, I can use brewer's yeast. But really, isn't the beer more fun??

In all seriousness, I really did read that from several people, and since I'm not going to be in the mood for a beer every day for the next however long, I think I'll look for some brewer's yeast. And I might look for some of that reportedly nasty tasting Mother's milk tea to try. And maybe some blessed thistle, which I've read you're supposed to take with the Fenugreek. (Still taking 15 pills a day and STILL don't smell like maple syrup.)

So as you may have guessed, I'm still obsessing over breastfeeding.

I always said from the beginning that I would never change my diet to accommodate breastfeeding (if there was a problem, I would just formula feed.) Now I find myself wondering if caffeine or chocolate might be affecting E's tummy and whether I should try to cut down on my consumption of those things and see if it helps her to stop crying while I feed her.

I'm also trying to hold her in a more upright position when she eats by propping her up with my bent leg to see if that will help. Sometimes it help, sometimes not. I've noticed that sometimes she smells a little pukey even if she hasn't spit up, which makes me wonder if she has reflux after all.

Thank you all for your awesome comments on my last post. You're the best.

The fight continues. ;)

Maybe just a little longer

Fair warning... This is a "poor me" post, and I know that, so if you can't handle it, feel free to skip it.

I bought two more bottles of Fenugreek. They were buy one get one 50% off, so I kind of HAD to. (I'm a sucker for a good deal.) Honestly, I STILL don't smell like maple syrup, and I haven't noticed any difference in production really, but I keep hoping it might miraculously start to help.

After writing my last post I realized that I just wasn't ready to give up on nursing yet. I know a lot of it is hormone related, but I feel like a failure in so many ways these days that I just wasn't willing to be a failure at nursing so soon.

See, I feel like I'm failing my son. I'm not getting as much sleep as I need, so my temper is short. I feel like I yell at him all the time. He's SUCH a cheerful and good kid, and I sometimes feel like I'm expecting way too much from him. I'm completely stressed out because he's starting pre-school next week, and I think he's supposed to be in Pull-ups at least, and he hasn't even STARTED potty training. He's a smart kid, and I think he's mentally ready for it, but he's made a conscious decision to just say "Forget it. It's easier to poop in my diaper." I've been VERY laid back about potty training so far, offering the potty often, but waiting for him to take the lead. Honestly, I'm ready to stop changing his diapers. So ready. I mean, REALLY now. And I'm so worried that the pre-school will be like, "nope, he can't come until he's potty trained."

It also stresses me out when he doesn't take a nap, because see, I still need his nap time. I need some time without him. He is a chatterbox, which is endearing, but also starts to become endless after hearing hours and hours of the same things. He is also THREE as I may have mentioned before. Forget the terrible twos. Three is MUCH harder.

I just can't seem to get myself to relax and be a laid back mommy. Is it really that important for him to be eating with a fork and spoon consistently rather than his hands? Most of what he eats is finger food anyway. Is it really that big a deal that I have to prompt him to say "please" a lot of the time? I've had other Moms go out of their way to tell me that when he's at their houses, he's SO polite. It's just with me that he pushes the limits. I had more tolerance for repeating these things (i.e. "What do we say when we ask for something?") before E was born, but now that it seems like he's just not making any effort to change these things, it's really starting to wear on me, and I too often see a side of myself that I'm not proud of when I'm dealing with him.

I also used to be really good about making sure that D had a veggie with every meal. Lately he's been on a peanut butter kick. There have been days when he's had a bagel with peanut butter for breakfast, a piece of bread with peanut butter for lunch and pasta for dinner (plus some fruit thrown in during the day.) Again, I feel like I'm failing him in terms of nutrition.

Oh, and D needs a haircut too. Another failure. A good mother would find time / be brave enough to go with two children to get his hair cut. (Or she would be able to cut it herself without making it look like she cut it herself.)

I also look at my house and notice the dust under the sofas, and think about how I'm failing as a stay at home wife. Really, how hard is it to grab the Swiffer and clean under there?

And then there's my body image. After I had E, I lost all but 5 pounds of my baby weight in the first week, but now I've gained about 5 pounds back. Another failure. I'm nursing - isn't that the magic post partum diet?? I feel ugly and uncomfortable, and I can't comfortably wear most of my clothes anyway, because they're too cumbersome when I'm trying to breastfeed. I know when my snacking is emotional rather than hunger related, but I'm just not having an easy time saying no.

Then there's the breastfeeding. We're six weeks in as of yesterday. My nipples are much less sore than they were. E is a much better latcher than she was, but she's still a lazy nurser most of the time. I've been nursing her all day - all but one or two pumping sessions, and giving her formula at night to hopefully get her to sleep longer. I was feeling a little more relaxed with nursing for a while, but now I'm back to being stressed a lot of the time because E is yanking on my nipple and crying during her feedings. I'm guessing that it's a result of it being harder to get milk out of me than out of a bottle (in addition to the supply issue - that she's probably not getting much.) It's feeling like a cycle that I can't seem to break out of - She needs to nurse more so that my supply will go up, but she gets so frustrated trying to get the milk out that she doesn't want to nurse at all. But I'm still not ready to give up, and I'm just finding myself getting angrier (not sure if that's the right word - mayber sadder is really the word) that everything I'm doing just isn't making it work. Man do I wish she could talk...

I know, I know, I know it has a lot to do with hormones. I really do. I just wish I could convince myself that other moms yell at their kids about things that probably don't matter. That he won't need therapy when he's 18 because of being told, "D, don't touch that!" 8,000 times a day. That I'll be okay if I stop nursing, and I won't have a horrible ache inside for months, and tons of regret that I didn't try just a little harder. That I shouldn't compare myself to other nursing moms (nor allow myself to feel judged by them for my failures) because everyone's situation is different. That I'm not a failure as a human being just because my house isn't spotless. That I'm not a failure as a human being because I gained weight after losing it. That all these things will resolve themselves on their own once the stress level in my house decreases.

Yeah, if I could just believe those things, I guess life would be just about perfect.


(**On the bright side of things, E is thriving. At her one month appointment, she was two pounds heavier than her birth weight. She's generally a happy and content baby. She mostly cries when she needs something, and not just for the heck of it. She's smiling more consistently, and getting stronger all the time. She's very good at holding her head up, and her legs are very strong too. In spite of my feelings of failure, D seems to still be a happy kiddo even though he has to share the spotlight now. He has moments of sibling rivalry, but mostly I think we're doing a good job of giving him enough attention.)

Busy, busy, busy. Yes, that's life with a three year old and a four week old. And the thing is, it's not busy like, "I got so much accomplished today." It's busy like, "I didn't have a moment to myself, and I'm psyched that I got to take a shower today!" But I knew that would be what it's like. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

The truth is, so far, life with two kiddos isn't as overwhelming as I expected it to be. E is a pretty good baby, and she sleeps well most nights, so my tolerance level is higher than when I just had D (as an infant) and I was getting very little sleep (oh yeah, AND trying to close on our house, pack, and move.) D is still being three, which is challenging, but he adores E which helps a lot. He also has moments when he is such a doll that it almost makes me cry, and that helps too.

The thing that has been pretty much dominating my life for the past month is trying to get this breastfeeding thing to work. And it's not. It's just not. The lactation consultant asked me how much Fenugreek I'm taking (4 pills, 3 times a day), how much water I'm drinking (plenty) and how much I'm feeding and pumping (feeding at least twice a day, and pumping every 2-3 hours during the day, which amounts to about 4-5 times in addition to the two feedings.) She asked how much milk I was getting after going overnight without feeding or pumping. When I told her how much (well, how little, really) I was getting, she said, "honestly, for the amount of work that you're putting into it, and for how much milk you're getting out of it, I think I would probably say screw it." Love her. She is EXACTLY the type of lactation consultant I needed. She gave me the tools, and gave me suggestions on how to increase supply. When I did everything that was asked and it still didn't help, she gave me permission to call it a day.

I'm going to continue feeding and pumping as often as possible until the Fenugreek is gone. After it's gone, I'm going to continue to feed and pump as much as I feel like it until I lose what little production I have. And then I'm going to give up.

I wish I could say that I'm at peace with it, but the truth is I'm heartbroken. I feel like I've failed, and like if I had done things differently at the beginning, maybe I would have been able to produce more milk. And I feel like probably if I was willing to let E nurse whenever she feels like it and deal with more excruciating pain that I could probably increase my production even now. But maybe that wouldn't even work, and then I would be left in excruciating pain with no more milk than I had before.

I know in the grand scheme of things, feeding formula is very minor, and after all, E will be getting more than a month of breastmilk, which is way more than D got. I think part of me is grieving though. This may very well be my last child. I may never have the chance to try breastfeeding again, and I'm struggling with the idea of closing that door before I'm ready, because once it's closed, I can't open it back up.

Loving it (mostly)

These first two plus weeks have flown by. We are totally in love with E. Even though we know they're not "real" smiles, we love it when she gives those little gas bubble smiles, because it gives us a sneak preview of what her real smiles will look like. :)

The good stuff: So far, E is a pretty champion sleeper. We're praying that she keeps it up. She only wakes up once or twice per night, and *usually* goes back to sleep after eating. She makes up for it on the occasional night when she wakes up to eat and decides that it's a good time to stay awake for 2 1/2 hours or so. Luckily, there are more "good sleep" nights than bad. So far, she's been a pretty laid back baby. I guess she may pick up on my signals, since I'm much more relaxed this time around too than I was with D. Speaking of D, he loves his sister. He makes a point of kissing her before he goes to bed, and whenever he talks about our family now, he includes her. For example, he'll say, "Mommy and Daddy and D and E are sitting on the couch together." He's really very sweet with her.

Another "good" thing is that so far, I'm not feeling any post partum depression symptoms like I experienced with D. Again, the fact that my life is so much less stressful now than it was when D was born, plus the fact that I'm getting some sleep at night could be major contributors to keeping the PPD at bay. Long may it wave...

My husband is completely taken with this baby. He said the other day, "I just can't help calling her 'sweetheart' and 'darlin.' It just comes out!" Adorable.

The rough stuff: I do not love nursing. Truth be told, I don't even like nursing. Not even a little. It effing HURTS. I don't feel like I have any more of a special bond with E because of nursing than I did with D. I've seen a lactation consultant several times. She has watched E's latch, and tells me that E is a "muncher" rather than a "sucker" so she basically bites my nipple a few times until there is enough milk in her mouth, and then swallows. In case you're wondering, this does not feel good. We've talked about how much milk I get when I pump, and it's very clear that I'm not producing as much as E needs. Thus, I'm nursing, pumping, and supplementing with formula. I've decided that I can only do as much as I can do. Any breast milk she gets is better than no breast milk, and I'll continue to nurse her at least a couple of times a day (in addition to pumping) so that I leave the door open in case my supply increases drastically or I decide that I want to give it a more enthusiastic try once I'm feeling more like myself. I know that it's a supply and demand thing, so if I wanted to spend my life on the couch nursing or pumping every hour, I could probably increase my supply, but honestly, with a three year old around, that's just not an option. I'll be starting fenugreek this weekend to see if that will help.

And by the way, did any of you hear about what Giselle (Model/rocket scientist) said about nursing recently? That it should be International LAW for the first six months of a baby's life. For real. Giselle, I'm so happy for you that you had an easy time nursing your only child. Now if you could just keep your opinions and judgments away from my boobs, and maybe think about the fact that it's not that easy for everyone, that would be awesome. Thanks.

Also in the category of rough stuff, D is giving us a run for our money. My sweet little boy is suddenly a champion whiner, and the epitome of a drama king. Every little injury elicits fake dramatic crying sessions, and 15-20 subsequent minutes of making up things to whine about. On the plus side, he's still napping most days, so I guess I should count my blessings about that! I think about 75% of the new attitude is just being 3, but the other 25% is probably related to the baby. It's hard not to feel guilty when you can tell that he's feeling like second fiddle when I'm paying attention to E. I know that it will pass, but I'm hoping it passes sooner than later!