Sunday, October 26, 2008

I'm struggling

I'm struggling with this blog. (I know, I know... I've only been at it for a few weeks.) The truth is that I'm struggling with self-censorship. I've already got five posts that I haven't put up because I'm afraid of what people will think. How effed up is that? I'm writing a blog about my true emotions and thoughts to make me feel better and I don't even have the balls to write the whole truth and nothing but the truth. (Of course, balls is a figurative term since I'm female and all.)

It's not that I'm ashamed of the thoughts. I know that people who know me in real life would understand them (at least to a degree) because they know me. It's more that I'm afraid of being judged by people who don't know me.

Who the hell am I after all? I'm just some girl who has a pretty happy life. I have a pretty great husband and a pretty cool kid. I didn't have that much trouble getting pregnant, and the first time I didn't even have trouble staying pregnant. It was the second time that was the bitch with the staying pregnant thing.

*sigh*

I will publish some of those posts (probably not the one about my daymare about someone being behind the shower curtain in my downstairs bathroom...) but I guess I'll just have to wait a little while until I feel like I'm ready for the scrutiny of the general public (or at least the infertile and semi-fertile public.)

Until then, more of the same...

3 comments:

A said...

I understand how you feel...heck, I can't even post my profile because I have another blog on here, and I don't want anyone I know in "real" life reading my m/c blog! Just write what you feel comfortable with, and I can assure you, anyone going through a loss will never judge you :) *hugs to you*

Yaya said...

I know exactly what you mean! I have so many posts I don't publish for fear of them being too "raw" for my readers.
Sometimes it's just therapeutic to write, whether it's published or not. Or, I don't know how, but I've seen it on other blogs-you can make certain posts 'private' and password protected so that only ppl like me, (who would understand), can get the password to read that post.

Hula's Secret Blog said...

PS
I also started a secret blog for this purpose...haven't written much on it yet-but it's my blog that friends and family don't know about, so I don't have to censor stuff!
This is Yaya's secret blog! Shhh! It's a secret!