Sunday, October 26, 2008

I'm struggling

I'm struggling with this blog. (I know, I know... I've only been at it for a few weeks.) The truth is that I'm struggling with self-censorship. I've already got five posts that I haven't put up because I'm afraid of what people will think. How effed up is that? I'm writing a blog about my true emotions and thoughts to make me feel better and I don't even have the balls to write the whole truth and nothing but the truth. (Of course, balls is a figurative term since I'm female and all.)

It's not that I'm ashamed of the thoughts. I know that people who know me in real life would understand them (at least to a degree) because they know me. It's more that I'm afraid of being judged by people who don't know me.

Who the hell am I after all? I'm just some girl who has a pretty happy life. I have a pretty great husband and a pretty cool kid. I didn't have that much trouble getting pregnant, and the first time I didn't even have trouble staying pregnant. It was the second time that was the bitch with the staying pregnant thing.

*sigh*

I will publish some of those posts (probably not the one about my daymare about someone being behind the shower curtain in my downstairs bathroom...) but I guess I'll just have to wait a little while until I feel like I'm ready for the scrutiny of the general public (or at least the infertile and semi-fertile public.)

Until then, more of the same...

3 comments:

A said...

I understand how you feel...heck, I can't even post my profile because I have another blog on here, and I don't want anyone I know in "real" life reading my m/c blog! Just write what you feel comfortable with, and I can assure you, anyone going through a loss will never judge you :) *hugs to you*

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean! I have so many posts I don't publish for fear of them being too "raw" for my readers.
Sometimes it's just therapeutic to write, whether it's published or not. Or, I don't know how, but I've seen it on other blogs-you can make certain posts 'private' and password protected so that only ppl like me, (who would understand), can get the password to read that post.

Anonymous said...

PS
I also started a secret blog for this purpose...haven't written much on it yet-but it's my blog that friends and family don't know about, so I don't have to censor stuff!
This is Yaya's secret blog! Shhh! It's a secret!