Thursday, October 30, 2008

The loss of innocnece

I have a friend who lost a baby in her fifth month to (among other things) an incompetent cervix. I e-mailed her when I lost my baby and asked her if, when you get pregnant again, you spend the whole 9 months gripped by fear of losing the baby. She told me that what she was most angry about was losing that innocent, unbridled JOY of being pregnant. You never get that back. That totally sucks. It makes me really sad.

Most of the time I can remind myself that only 75% of babies get to be born, and this was my time to be in the 25%. But really, WTF? I don't WANT to know as much as I do about miscarriage. I don't WANT to know how common stillbirth is, and I certainly don't want to worry about it for my entire pregnancy if I'm lucky enough to get that far again.

My husband thinks I probably shouldn't read so many of these blogs because he thinks they're going to make it hard to take a breath later (when/if I get pregnant again.) Maybe he's right. But the thing is, you get invested. You find someone who's pregnant, and you save the blog because you want to know that the baby comes out fine. You find someone who's ovulating, and you save that blog because you want to find out if they get pregnant. You find someone who just had another miscarriage, and you save that blog because you want to support them and know that they're going to be okay.

Guess that leaves a bit of a conundrum. For me, I'm gonna keep reading. What do boys know, anyway? ;)


Anonymous said...

so true...I love reading womens entire journeys.

I didn't know that stat about 25% not making it!....hmmm...maybe I shouldn't have read that?!?

Mrs Woggie said...

Boys know nothing! My husband thinks I should stop reading too, sometimes it helps, sometimes it hurts, but overall I think it is better for me, to know, I'm not alone.

(YaYa sent me here)

Anonymous said...

Yup-they don't know anything! They just don't 'get it', ya know?

And I guess I never realized there even CAN be a 'happy' and complete 'joy' filled pregnancy journey....I guess it's sad that we will never (again) experience that bliss :(
But at this point-I'd seriously throw up non-stop for 9-months if it meant I got to have my baby! My friends who have never had a miscarriage think I'm crazy when I say that, and just don't understand....

Anonymous said...

It's hard but I think some of it (for me) has been a mental decision (especially now) to NOT let myself get too entrenched into thinking about "what could happen". I have an online friend who started a thread for me on a message board called "friends don't let friends google". Haha. Seriously, I can't let myself google incompetent cervix or amniotic fluid leak or stillbirth. I just can't even go down that road of thinking about it. I feel horrible for women who have had later losses and stillbirths but I can't read their stories right now. It sounds so pansy to admit that, but it's true.
It may not be a 100% joyful time but I think part of how much joy I get out of it is how much I LET myself get out of it.
Okay I'll hush now since I've been typing long ramblings in your comments. :o)