Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm not feeling lucky

The longer this process of conceiving a second live baby goes on, the more I wonder if I've got it all wrong. Maybe instead of being UN-lucky, we're actually incredibly LUCKY.

Now that we know that T has Klinefe.lter, we know that his chance of being fertile AT ALL was only between 1 and 5%. On our first try, we conceived a perfect little person, and feel so incredibly blessed to have him. It's pretty amazing.

But here's the problem. I don't feel lucky. I mean, I feel SO lucky to have D, but my overall feeling is not that I'm lucky. I feel petty and insensitive (to those still waiting for their first) and I feel greedy... The thought that we're lucky to have one nags in the back of my head and makes me feel like a horrible b*tch. I feel like a child who only got one present on Christmas and her parents are telling her to suck it up. "That's all you get. Live with it." Sure, I love my one present, but why can't I just be like a lot of the other kids who get as many presents as they want?

I want to be the little Mary Sunshine who feels lucky for what she has, but I'm not. I'm sad for me and for T that things aren't easier. I'm not proud of it, but that's the way it is.

I found a great article on secondary infertility that I wanted to share with you guys, both for those who are going through it too, as well as those who might want to step into a "secondary infertile's" head for a minute. One line that really expresses the way that I think a lot of secondary infertiles probably feel is this: "Typically we feel guilty that our one, always beloved, child 'is not enough’; we feel frustrated at our own bodies and relationships because something we achieved once cannot be repeated." The article is very well written, and very similar to the way I'm feeling.

P.S. Loved the comments on my last "Faceb.ook" post. I might have to make that a weekly post... :)


Anonymous said...

I'll have to share that article with my friend who deals with secondary infertility.

And don't feel bad for feeling the feelings that you are having. It makes perfect sense. You've been through SO MUCH in the past year and it's just not fair.

Karen said...

If you didn't grieve for the babies you lost and the babies you might not be able to have... then you wouldn't be Little Mary Sunshine. You'd be Little Psychopathic Mary. Because that's what it means to not feel sadness and disappointment and guilt.