Monday, October 12, 2009

Deja Vu

I was glad to finally get my period.

I was (of course) hoping to be pregnant and not get my period at all, but the longer my more-than-two-week-wait went on without a positive pregnancy test, the more I knew the pregnancy would be doomed anyway, so I was hoping for my period to break through the progesterone.

That didn't happen this time. (It happened before, but my dosage was lower.)

This weekend, after a couple of pink streaks on the toilet paper and a (well, multiple) negative HPTs, I made the decision to stop the, and my period finally arrived in full force two days after getting off the Pro.gesterone. It's hard to believe it's only been 5 weeks since my last period. Those extra days that were drawn out by the proges.terone felt like at least two extra weeks.

Now I'm faced with a difficult choice. I was planning to take Cl.omid this cycle, but I'm thinking I may not. My due date (if I were to get pregnant this cycle) would be the day between my son's birthday and the due date of my second miscarriage. Hard to say whether that's a good omen or a bad omen because there's so much good and so much bad associated with that time. (Really, there's much more good than bad, though.) As you can infer, I had to make this choice LAST year too - about whether I cared if my due date was close to D's birthday. The truth is, I DO care. I'd prefer to have them spaced out a little but it looks like it's definitely not my choice anymore.

The sucky thing is, I. Don't. Want. To. Wait. Those of us who are in it know, it's not "just another month." It's wasted time, and a wasted chance, and getting older, and possibly being newly pregnant and having to hide it through the holidays, and for me, putting more and more space in between my kiddos.

I haven't talked to T about it yet, but I'm thinking about not doing Clo.mid this month and seeing when I ovulate with the OPK. If I ovulate around day 14 or 15, we'll try, and if I ovulate later, maybe we'll take it as a sign and wait for next month. (In truth, I'd prefer to avoid using at all, if my body would just cooperate and ovulate like a normal person.)


Anonymous said...

Yup, I have that internal battle every month with myself....

Karen said...

It's so hard to make that kind of decision. On the one hand, time is a real issue. Every month that passes means a slight reduction in your odds of success. But this isn't the kind of thing that you can just do without thinking of the consequences, both emotional and physical. You have to take other things into account too, like how you'll feel during your pregnancy if the timing is wrong.

I think I agree with your idea of waiting to see what your body does naturallly. It seems like a nice balance between the two different needs.

Wifezzilla said...

i hear ya. it's ironic how happy we get when AF finally does show up. even though it's not exactly what i want to see, it means a new start.

i have no experience with clomid, but i want to wish you luck with this cycle regardless what you decide to do. the waiting is fcked up in my opinion, and the worst part of the whole process (aside from the losses, that is).

Azaera said...

Skyler was due on the exact day that I lost his sister. He ended up being born two months early and solved that problem for me, but I kind of saw it as a sign I guess. I'm not sure what it was a sign of though..

Shannon said...

Good luck with your decision. I remember that feeling of wondering if I should opt out for a month due to various things but then I could never bring myself to do it.
Strangely enough, my first ultrasound with Matthew was exactly one year to the day from when I was told my first baby had lost his heartbeat. That was NOT my choice, I would have never scheduled for that date, but it ended up that way because of rescheduling due to a hurricane.