I got an e-mail from a friend of a friend yesterday. She's 11 weeks pregnant, (which I knew, through the friend). We're actually friends too, though not as close as she is to my other friend, if that makes sense.
She told me about the fact that she had a miscarriage in July, (saying, "I'm not sure if 'friend' told you") and I think she probably knows my story through said friend, which is okay. The thing is, I think she was probably trying to open the lines of communication with regard to our shared experiences. She's a great person, and I wouldn't mind talking with her about it, but I just couldn't go there today. She may be sitting there wondering why I didn't just tell her about my miscarriages, but I just can't worry about that now.
The problem is, no matter how much you like someone, retelling the story can be exhausting. Rehashing everything that's months (and even a year in some cases) in the past to someone who isn't "in it" is hard. They want to understand. They try to understand. They even think they understand and that they can be helpful. The truth is, one miscarriage and then getting pregnant again right away is not the same as multiple miscarriages. I know, because I've worn those shoes.
One miscarriage is devastating. It feels like the world is crashing down when it first happens. But. (And this is a big "but.") There is still hope. There's the knowledge that "lots of women have miscarriages." It probably won't happen again. All things seem possible.
The truth is, I hardly remember the second miscarriage. It was so quick. I never got bloodwork drawn. I just called when I was 7 weeks pregnant, and made an appointment for 8 weeks. At that appointment, I found out that the baby had died at 6 weeks. I do remember that it started to get very real after that second one. Nothing seemed rosy anymore. The hope was diminishing, and I was starting to really understand what it was like to be infertile.
I kind of feel like a jerk. I feel like I'm comparing my pain with hers. I feel like I should be "sharing" with my friend, because maybe she's scared, and maybe she needs reassurance, but I'm just feeling like I want to curl up in a ball and be selfish, and like I'm probably not the person to be reassuring anyone.
If you feel so moved, please light a candle at 7 PM and keep it burning for an hour on October 15. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can check out Cara's blog for more information and healing.
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1 year ago