Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Not the same

I got an e-mail from a friend of a friend yesterday. She's 11 weeks pregnant, (which I knew, through the friend). We're actually friends too, though not as close as she is to my other friend, if that makes sense.

She told me about the fact that she had a miscarriage in July, (saying, "I'm not sure if 'friend' told you") and I think she probably knows my story through said friend, which is okay. The thing is, I think she was probably trying to open the lines of communication with regard to our shared experiences. She's a great person, and I wouldn't mind talking with her about it, but I just couldn't go there today. She may be sitting there wondering why I didn't just tell her about my miscarriages, but I just can't worry about that now.

The problem is, no matter how much you like someone, retelling the story can be exhausting. Rehashing everything that's months (and even a year in some cases) in the past to someone who isn't "in it" is hard. They want to understand. They try to understand. They even think they understand and that they can be helpful. The truth is, one miscarriage and then getting pregnant again right away is not the same as multiple miscarriages. I know, because I've worn those shoes.

One miscarriage is devastating. It feels like the world is crashing down when it first happens. But. (And this is a big "but.") There is still hope. There's the knowledge that "lots of women have miscarriages." It probably won't happen again. All things seem possible.

The truth is, I hardly remember the second miscarriage. It was so quick. I never got bloodwork drawn. I just called when I was 7 weeks pregnant, and made an appointment for 8 weeks. At that appointment, I found out that the baby had died at 6 weeks. I do remember that it started to get very real after that second one. Nothing seemed rosy anymore. The hope was diminishing, and I was starting to really understand what it was like to be infertile.

I kind of feel like a jerk. I feel like I'm comparing my pain with hers. I feel like I should be "sharing" with my friend, because maybe she's scared, and maybe she needs reassurance, but I'm just feeling like I want to curl up in a ball and be selfish, and like I'm probably not the person to be reassuring anyone.

If you feel so moved, please light a candle at 7 PM and keep it burning for an hour on October 15. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can check out Cara's blog for more information and healing.


Anonymous said...

Don't justify your emotions at all. If you are not ready for a friend, then oh well. Life is life. You don't "have" to be friends with someone. I'm kind of confused why this person even reached out to you like this? I guess I don't see her reasoning. I wouldn't be able to be her friend. Starting a friendship with someone who is pregnant? No thanks. Not at this time in my life. And yes, recurrent miscarriages suck. It's not fair. It's like there's no hope.

Wifezzilla said...

I'm sorry. I'm especially sorry for my email. I hadn't read your blog entries and didn't even think that it may be inappropriate.

Anyway, I am sorry. I have nothing encouraging to say, except that if you were local, I'd bring you some cheesecake (unless you're lactose intolerant - then i'd bring you something else - maybe chicken francais and spaghetti) and take you out for a pedicure at a place where they have massage chairs.

Karen said...

I think the thing is, we can't even compare pain if we've had the identical experience. Look at all the stories people have about their first kiss, or breaking a leg, or giving birth. Technically, they should all be the same. In reality, our experiences are intensely personal and unique. In the case of miscarriages, some women grieve for years and never get over it. Other women don't see the fetus as a child that they lost.

Do what is right for you. Don't worry about what is right for others.

Emi said...

I didn't know about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I know exactly how you feel, and I've been feeling it a lot lately too. I have two brothers whose wives are pregnant (one who delivered yesterday) and a sister who is pregnant. She is due in four weeks, and had one miscarriage before she had this pregnancy. She keeps telling me that there is hope, to not get discouraged, and I just want to tell her to shove it. She doesn't get it.

As for the new baby in the family, that was a lot harder to deal with than I thought. It was so hard to sense the excitement everyone was feeling. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me at the same time. I am so baby hungry, I could die.

Anyway, I was struggling last night, and thought I'd visit your blog. I knew you'd understand, and your post made me feel better. It is nice to know I am not the only one who feels that way. Thanks, but I am sorry you feel that way. It just isn't fair.

Lee said...

I understand where you're coming from completely. You shouldn't worry about it. Going through something like that, you don't owe anyone anything.

Thought I'd check out your blog, stop by mine some time if you'd like! Have a great day!