In the midst of the crap

--my son mentioned--

Right now is that time in my cycle when I don't have anything to do. It's too early to start the OPK. It's way too early to start "trying" and it's waaaaaaaay too early to start worrying about the two week wait or hpts.

Remarkably, this is the time in my cycle when I often feel the most at peace. There's nothing I can do right now. I'm okay with that. For someone who likes to be in control of a situation, that's not bad.

Although there are times when having a two-year-old are very trying (yes, there are a lot of times... like now, when he's having a tantrum on the floor because I would only give him three Cray.ons, not all of them) he's one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

When D is asking to be picked up for the 30th time in a day, I often find myself thinking, "when he's 15, I'll wish I could still pick him up and cuddle him." That thought allows me to step back and remind myself that if dinner is 5 minutes later or a load of laundry doesn't get done right now, it's not a big deal. Those things can wait. D won't. He'll keep getting older before my eyes.

So when he asks for that 30th time, I'll pick him up, snuggle him, smell his hair and give him Eskimo kisses.

I would love to have another baby, (and I still have faith that I will,) but if I never do, I don't want to look back on these two years and wonder where D's childhood went. I want to be the "old woman with no regrets."

I have an amazing life with a wonderful husband and son. Today I'm choosing to focus on that as I wait for whatever comes next.