Can hardly believe it

I keep waiting for the end of the road. Every day that goes by makes me think I might be one day closer to doom, but it just doesn't seem to come.

I'm 11w5d today. That's almost 12 weeks pregnant, and it's 2 full weeks further than I made it with Grey. I'm not going to make any sweeping statements like "I'm almost there" or anything, but I just can't believe I've made it this far.

I had an u/s yesterday, and I was so relieved that it was scheduled, because I woke up with some brown discharge on my pantyliner. Sorry to be graphic, but I think it may be dried blood from my very, very sore yeast infection rather than anything going on inside (since there was nothing there when I wiped.) After I discovered the discharge, I felt some sharp-ish pains in my very lower abdomen, which had me a little freaked out, but I had heard the little person on the doppler the night before so I knew that it was probably still kicking.

The u/s was fine. Heartbeat was 161, and she found no signs of any bleeding inside that should have caused the discharge. She also said that my cervix is long and closed, which is a relief since I'm a little worried about the possibility of incompetent cervix due to my 3 D&Es. The baby was waving its arms around which was really cool. (It's amazing how little I remember of my ultrasounds with D, but after all, it was almost 3 years ago, and there were FAR fewer ultrasounds with him!)

My symptoms are still kicking, but I feel like my all-day-sickness is getting a little better. It's still there, but eating usually helps now (it didn't always at the beginning). I'm still down about 6 or 8 pounds from where I started because of the nausea, but I have no doubt that I'll make up for that later in the pregnancy. My nipples are still sore, but not as bad, and I've had a couple of days when they were itchy and a little tingly, which I remember from my pregnancy with D, and also from post-partum with him when I was trying to breas.tfeed. I'm still super tired, and looking forward to (hopefully) making it to the fun part of pregnancy when I have energy and appetite again.

Doppler 101

Yes, I bought a Doppler. I think it will be totally worth it in the end, even though I'm sure I'll have a few freak-outs when baby is turned the wrong way and I can't get a good reading. That's one of the down-sides of having too much information at your fingertips.

I got the Doppler a couple of days ago in the mail, and of course waited until D was in bed so I could have plenty of time to mess around with it without interruption. (T was out late that night or I would have waited for him.) I started very low, and found a beat far over to the left. I was using mode 2, and the rate was jumping around all over the place and didn't sound nearly fast enough to me. (The numbers were ranging from the 110's to the 140's.) I was a little nervous that it didn't sound faster, but figured as long as it was beating, I could be content for the night.

I did a little research yesterday online and found some resources on how to use home Dopplers. I read that there is an artery in your abdomen that can be found with a Doppler that makes a "swishing" noise instead of a galloping noise.

Long story a little shorter, last night I started with the probe right around my bellybutton and slowly went down. I rocked it a little, as the directions suggest, and I eventually found some major horse galloping going on down there, just below my bellybutton, and just a tiny bit to the right. It was NOWHERE NEAR where I had heard the swishing the other night (which I assume was that artery I read about.) This was definitely the little person, and the little person is still alive with a nice fast hearbeat. SCORE.

The moral: If you have your own doppler, and are as clueless as I was at trying to find the heartbeat, I hope this helps. If you're finding a slower beat far to the left (or to the right; I found one there too) it's probably not the baby, at least in early pregnancy.

In other news...

I am 9w5d today. Providing I make it through today, I will officially be further along than I made it with any of my miscarriages.

I had a little freak-out on Sunday. I had a minimal amount of brown discharge, and a few veeeeeeery small pink streaks mixed in with my cm when I wiped. I happened to be at my BIL and SIL's house at the time, and it was all I could do to keep my composure until we left, at which point, I of course burst into tears. The answering service at my ob's office told me to go to the ER to get checked out because of my history, and thank goodness, everything was fine. Baby was measuring 9w1d by their u/s, with a heart rate of 180. No real reason for the pink.

I'm still nervous about the pink, but I had another doctor's appointment yesterday and baby was measuring 9w4d with a heartrate of 176. All good. No more pink since Sunday. The doc sent me to get a Rhogam shot just in case (since I'm Rh-).

Remember how disenchanted I was with my last doctor? Can I just tell you how much I LOVE this doctor? "Why don't we see you in two weeks for another u/s, and then we'll do the nuchal scan 2 weeks after that?" He reassured me that they would be checking me all the time throughout the whole pregnancy, which made me feel so much better. I don't want to be the crazy obsessive prego who's running in for an u/s for every little twinge, but frankly, I'M STILL FREAKED OUT. Hard to convince yourself that "everything will be fine" after so many losses.

As a reminder that there are no guarantees, an uber-fertile friend of mine who has three kids (who had one prior blighted ovum in between #2 and #3) just went in for her 18 week u/s with #4 and found out that the baby had stopped growing at 13 weeks. I can't even imagine. I really feel like it must almost feel like a stillbirth to her. I mean, the baby was only 13 weeks, but in her mind, she was almost halfway through the pregnancy. No guarantees, ladies... no matter how "fertile" you may be.

What's going on

Quite simply, a post about what's going on.

First, I want to thank Christa for the beautiful angel wings. We haven't set up our tree yet, but they will have a prominent place when we do.

On the baby front, I really have nothing interesting to report. I have continued to be nauseous on a daily basis, for most of the day. While that totally sucks, it keeps my hope alive that this baby might really make it. My boobs are still super tender and heavy, and I'm tired all the time. I'm also craving salt (when I can stand to eat anything). Those seem to be "my" symptoms.

I have another appointment for an ultrasound next week, and although I haven't had any anxiety type of attacks recently (with the raised heart rate, etc.), I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that everything will be fine at that appointment. I'm finding it hard to imagine that I might make it past 9 weeks, 5 days this time. (Unfortunately, my u/s is at 9w4d, and then my next one will be my 12 week nuchal fold scan.) Do we tell our parents after next week's u/s? Do we wait until Christmas? (I will be 11 weeks on Christmas Day). By then, it will be a couple of weeks since the u/s and something could have happened to the baby in the interim. Right now, it doesn't feel like there will ever be a time when we'll tell our news to people in the same carefree way that we did after we made it through the first trimester with D.

Little sucker is growing

I had another u/s today (the one that was actually scheduled as the follow-up to the first one.) Baby's hb is up to 162 (yay!) and it's measuring right on schedule at 7 weeks, 6 days. Believe it or not, I had an EXTERNAL ultrasound today! (This is my first since the one where I found out about my first m/c). The tech said that it was probably a little early, but there it was. It actually looked a little bigger than 7w6d, more like 8w2d, but she said that variation can be normal because the measurements aren't exact. Something that I find funny is that they have yet to take my weight, blood pressure, or make me pee in a cup. Is that just because most people don't have their first appointment until 8 weeks?

After the u/s, the doctor was like "well, everything looks good, so let's schedule you for the 12 week nuchal fold scan." *Panic ensues* That would be after Christmas, and while I feel like things are going well this time, I just can't bear the thought of waiting four weeks for another ultrasound. I had two of my three miscarriages in that window.

I asked if there was any way I could have another u/s sooner, and the doctor (who I still love) said, "sure, let's schedule one for two weeks." That will still be before the 9 week, 5 day mark when I lost the first one, (my latest loss) but at least there should (hopefully) be an inkling by that time if anything doesn't look right. As of right now, the measurements are great. The embryo and the sac are measuring the same, and right on target (really a little ahead.) The heart rate is right where we want it to be.

I am feeling very, very blessed right now.

Wine glass watcher paranoia

First, a quick thank you to everyone for all the support over the past few weeks. I'm still a little bit of a basketcase, but I haven't had anymore abdominal pain, so I'm feeling much more restful. I'm still nauseous and tired, and have super sore boobs. All good signs of a growing baby.

I'm at a point in the pregnancy where I'm experiencing some major pregnancy paranoia. For instance, my Mom came over today and we got subs. I got a veggie sub to avoid deli meat. She probably thought nothing of it, but I felt the need to tell her that I don't like Subw.ay's turkey as much as D'an.gelo's (which is actually true). This past weekend, we had dinner with my brother's family and my cousin. I played up the idea of being reeeeeeeally tempted to have a margarita, but said that I had a headache so I thought I better not. Every time I'm put in that type of situation, I feel like I need to over-emphasize why I'm not drinking or doing such-and-such. (This morning, I was SO nauseous while my Mom was here, so I didn't have coffee. Then I got really tired and had to tell her it was because of no coffee, which was only partially true!) Mom did tell me today that I look like I've lost weight (haha!) so maybe she hasn't caught on.

T and I haven't even talked about when we might tell our parents and siblings about this pregnancy, assuming that it lasts. I've gone through some changes of heart on the subject. After the first m/c, I didn't tell my parents I was pregnant again until the baby had already died. That kind of sucked, so I decided I would tell them sooner the third time so that at least I would have someone to be happy with, for however long it lasted. That kind of sucked too because it meant having another person worrying about a pregnancy that might not last. (That one was a pretty rocky pregnancy from the start.) This time, I haven't really put a label on when or who or what, with regard to telling, but I just know that I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think too far ahead.

I will say that right now, after Monday's good heartbeat, I'm feeling fairly calm. If the progesterone was the issue, I think we could actually have a baby in July. If the luteal ph.ase defect was the issue, I think we could actually have a baby in July. If something else was the issue, then who knows. But the one thing I know right now is that I'm pregnant right at this moment, and I am very, very grateful for that.