Monday, May 3, 2010

It never really goes away

It was a warm day here yesterday - in the 80's. T and I spent the day doing little chores that have been waiting on an invisible list. He installed our rain barrel. We fixed D's changing table so we'll actually be able to use it for the new little person. I mowed the lawn. T spread some dirt and I sprinkled grass seed to try to nurse our pathetic lawn back to life. We did laundry. We took a walk with D. You get the picture. It was a full day.

I realized in the afternoon that I hadn't really felt the baby move during the day. I quickly reminded myself that since *I* had been moving around all day, it would have been hard to feel the baby move. Nonetheless, I found myself poking my belly in the afternoon, trying to get a response. After D was happily in the tub getting a bath from daddy, I went upstairs to take a shower, all the while planning that after my shower I would lie down on the bed to see what was going on with the little one.

When I lay down on the bed, there was kicking and jabbing and general mayhem from the inside, as I had (mostly) expected that there would be. But... I was reminded, as I often am, that the fear is still there. It doesn't matter that I brought a healthy baby to full term once before. It doesn't matter that everything looks fine on every ultrasound. I am still, and always will be, the mother of three dead babies. And for two of them, I'll never know why.


Stacie said...

I only experienced 1 loss before having Laney, and even when I was pregnant with her, I was constantly worrying about her. And back then, I was more naive about pregnancy complications (prior to blog reading) than now.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I'm glad that everything was absolutely fine with your little one. I cannot imagine the worry you must be experiencing.

Dawn said...

I was at work today and really struggling with fear because baby girl has not been very active today. I sat down for a few minutes to see if she would get going and decided to check my blog on my phone and saw this post. It was so wonderfully reassuring to see that I am not alone in this. Thank you for helping me out today.

Karen said...

(((hugs))) I'm glad this baby is doing well, but I know that doesn't in any way make up for the loss of the others. I think it's especially hard because you're trying to simultaneously celebrate the arrival of one child while grieving the loss of the others. Every pregnancy milestone is a celebration, but also a reminder of what Should have been and can never be. At least, that was how I felt.

And of course adding extra hormones on top of the mix is just asking for the occasional crying jag, panic attack, or random emotional torrent. For me, it was much easier to at least keep things in perspective after the baby came. I don't know if it was just my hormones getting re-aligned, my fears for the baby lessening once she was delivered, or just time healing my wounds. But it did get easier. Never forgotten, but not as overwhelming.

cheryllookingforward said...

Me too. I don't want to talk to anyone or even smile or anything until I feel that little reassuring push. My poor kid gets really pushed around sometimes.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. I have not experienced a loss, but I can't imagine how scary and sad it can be.

My son was 2 weeks overdue and I kept worrying about stillbirth, and I am now almost 36 wks with my daughter and I find myself constantly worrying about her movement, especially since I had a csection with my son and have read numerous studies saying each csection creates a risk of stillbirth for the pregnancy after, with the risk going up every csection you have.

My prayers are with all of you ladies pregnant after loss.