Same old, same old

I wish I had something interesting to write but the truth is, same sh!t, different day. No headache, no sore boobs, no morning sickness, but still no period. I guess that's the best sign. God knows, if I DO get the headaches and morning sickness later, I'll be kicking myself for not enjoying the lack thereof at the beginning. But there's still that nagging thought in my brain that says "you might not have any symptoms because you already miscarried and your body doesn't know (again)."

Remarkably, I'm much more calm than I would have expected to be. Since I have nothing telling me I'm pregnant except for the positive test, I would have thought I'd be obsessing, but I'm doing okay. (I admit that I've made a couple semi-frantic trips to the bathroom when things felt like they might be "leaking" but have ended up with no adverse result.) I feel like I'm almost in a zen state of "whatever will be will be" since there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Just continuing to wait and hope.

Oh, but I do have one interesting thing to report which is that I went to my cousin's baby shower this weekend. It turns out the trip.lets are IDEN.TICAL, and they were naturally conceived after surgery for endo. (Apparently iden.tical tripl.ets are like a one-in-fifty-bajillion chance.) I had no problem there - i.e. wasn't feeling emotional or anything - and I told her that I'm happy to help her out in any way I can. I'm hoping to go up there a few times before she delivers because she lives not too far from me. I can't give too much advice on tripl.ets, but I can at least be of some help with being a first-time parent. I know when I was a new Mom, I was taking all the advice I could get...

Not ready for Babies R Us

I've been to Babies R Us a couple of times since my miscarriage (to pick up stuff for my son). It's been a little difficult, but overall I got through it because I had a focus. A goal. Stuff to buy for my living child.

Today I thought it would be a good idea to go in and look at baby clothes for my cousin's trip.let baby shower. I was wrong.

I stood in front of the preemie girl outfits and started looking at how beautiful and tiny they were, and my eyes filled up with tears. I managed to pull myself together to check out without lots of questioning stares, but it was not easy.

Damn. Guess I'm not really ready for that yet.

Constant Reminders

My cousin is pregnant with tripl.ets (naturally, believe it or not.) She has endom.etriosis and was expecting to have a hard time conceiving, so it is very, very exciting that she's pregnant.

The thing is that I should have been due about 2 weeks after her. I'm totally happy for her. Not jealous, not bitter, not sad. I'm completely happy for her.

However.

Every time I think about how far along she is, I think about how far along I'm not.

My Mom and I were talking about her the other day, and she said, "She's 19 weeks you know."

Me: "Yes, I know."

Mom: (realizing that of COURSE I know, because I should be 17 weeks) "I'm so sorry."

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It is my fervent hope that someday my cousin's trip.lets will be playing a game of tag with my future babies, and I'll be able to tell them about the cousin they should have had...