Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The next time

I've been thinking a lot lately about "the next time." I'm very sad about the second miscarriage of course, but I haven't been crying about it in the past couple of weeks. I have to say that the overwhelming emotion that I've felt in the last month since my miscarriage is relief that I don't have to be afraid right now. There's no pregnancy to nurture, and no cycle to count since I've been told to wait for a couple of months.

I got pregnant in July of last year, and had the normal nerves of a Mom who has never had trouble conceiving or had a loss. (Yes, believe it or not, even those women are nervous about their pregnancies!) Then when I lost that baby, I was nervous about when I would get pregnant again. And then when I got pregnant again in November, I was nervous about whether that pregnancy would stick. So, pretty much I was nervous every day from July until December. Six months.

So is it completely strange that I'm feeling this relief? Maybe.

When "the next time" comes, will I be ready for the constant nerves again? Will I be able to handle the very real fear that I might lose another one and still not know why? I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. For now, I've just been trying to let the fear fly away. Oh, and I'll take that margarita on the rocks with salt, please.

6 comments:

Cara said...

Pregnancy after loss is like walking on glass. Will you be ready? I guess that is a question only you can answer, but I'll tell you in all honesty and NOT sugar coated it was a LONG 38 weeks. The NEXT pregnancy (my third) was much better neurosis wise.

thinking of you as you contemplate this.

Amy said...

The nervousness and anxiety that comes with pregnancy after loss are overwhelming. Enough so that I've definitely thought if I lose this one, I don't know if I can try again. And if she makes it, we might be done. Thinking of you as you think of the next time, and I'm glad you're feeling some relief. You deserve it.

sushilover said...

I completely understand what you're going through and the relief you are feeling right now is completely natural. After going through so much physically and emotionally it feels so good to be in limbo almost. Not have to worry either way. I remember feeling the exact same thing after my D&C and after my hysteroscopy, both times I had to wait until trying again for a couple of months. It's almost like a mini vacation. So I say drink up on those margaritas! It might be a while before you can again!

Yaya said...

Yes, I can completely relate to the sense of "relief" you are experiencing. I've been there and it is a stress reliever/weight-off-your-chest sort of thing.

There have been months where we "give up" and "stop trying" and are "over it"...those are the best months....and then I got pregnant both those months..........

Enjoy your 'time off'. Take time for yourself. Go get a massage, get your hair done, etc.

Endobaby said...

I just wanted to thankyou for your comment on my blog...your support really means a lot to me =)

as for the nervousness...its completely understandable...I'm nervous about the next one and we won't even be trying for a long time!

expectingamiracle said...

I can understand, I think maybe you just need a break from all the worry, it's emotionally draining. Eventually, you will be ready again. I think any pregnancies now will have worry attached to them (more so than before) but at some point (maybe 2nd trimester) you'll be able to relax a little bit.