What are you doing New Year's Eve?

Anyone know that cheesey song? Well... here's what I'm doing. Ummm... writing in my blog, hanging out at home, NOT paying for a babysitter. Oh, and it snowed again today so I didn't feel like digging out anyway.

D, T, and I are all feeling better from our plague (thank god) but we're not going to be able to celebrate Christmas with T's family tomorrow as we were supposed to because we're still contagious. That's just in case anyone was wondering. :)

It's hard to believe it's New Year's Eve. I thought for sure (twice) that I'd be unable to drink tonight because of a growing belly, but really as it turns out, the only reason I'm not drinking is because I'm still recovering from the rotav.irus. Oh, the irony.

My mom's family has a New Year's Eve tradition that I've decided to carry on as of this year. The tradition is to light a bayberry "wish candle" on New Year's eve. You make a wish as you light the candle, and if the candle burns all the way to the bottom before going out, you get your wish. This Website explains a little about the tradition. On another website, I found the words: "Light a candle for those who have passed on to spirit. Light a candle for your new potential in the coming year."

Isn't that a wonderful, hopeful thought? A candle for those who have passed on to spirit, and a candle for new potential in the coming year.

Yes. I'll light a candle to that.

And a happy New Year

My husband and I now both have the rotav.irus. There were five other people there on Christmas day who ALSO got it. Oh joy. Nothing like changing a diarrhea diaper when you're feeling sick to your stomach to begin with.

I'll have what he's having

Christmas was just okay this year.

My son D has had a cold for almost three weeks, and just when he was getting over it (I thought) he spiked a temperature of 103.2 on Tuesday (Dec 23). Awesome.

We went to my parents' house prior to going to another relative's house for Christmas Eve appetizers. Before we left, they lost power (AGAIN). Awesome. A still sick D stayed at my parents' house with my husband.

My cousin mentioned (for the third time since my first miscarriage) that I could "solve" something (I can't remember what) by having another baby. She doesn't know about the miscarriages, obviously.

Later, I dragged my husband to the candlelight service at church and I cried pretty much the whole time. I think the tears were a combination of the miscarriages, D being sick for Christmas, and just the nice feeling of being in church. I'm not as much of a church-goer as I would like to be, but I used to be when I was younger, and being in church makes me feel safe and loved. I guess it was like I had permission to let my defenses down for a short while. (So that was probably the BEST part of Christmas.)

The power had come back on, but was off again when we got home from the service. Because my parents have a well and a pump, that means no running water. We brushed our teeth in the dark with bottled water and went to bed (me without going to the bathroom because I was afraid I might still be spotting and didn't want to leave that surprise in the bathroom for anyone else.)

Luckily, the power was back on in the morning. D was sick and whiny all day on Christmas day. I felt so bad for the poor guy. It's such a terrible feeling to not be able to make it better for him.

Now some background: My nephew had the Rotav.irus two weeks ago, and my sister-in-law and brother both got it after he was over it. (If you don't know what it is, it's a flu type of thing with persistent vomiting and diarrhea. And it's very contagious. Again, awesome.)

D was JUST starting to feel better on friday and show no signs of having a fever.

On Saturday morning, D's whole crib was covered in last night's dinner. He puked three more times that morning, and then got the big "d" later in the afternoon. I called my Mom and it turned out that she and two of my cousins were having the same symptoms. (These are all people who saw my nephew, brother, and SIL on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.) My husband and I are washing our hands like maniacs and praying that we DON'T get it.

So that's the story.

I guess Christmas could have been worse... I have a loving and wonderful family, and I can almost forgive my brother's family for giving us the Rotov.irus. On top of that, my hsband T got me a beautiful white gold, ruby, and diamond necklace along with a pair of garnet and diamond earrings. He's a keeper. ;)

Fertility Specialist

We had our first appointment today with the infertility doc. He was very, very nice and I'm excited to have someone who's interested in KEEPING me pregnant the next time. Here's where we are.

1. Wait for first period after D&E.
2. Get blood drawn after period ends and before ovulation.
3. Wait for second period after D&E.
4. Get hysterosalpingogram. (Also called HSG or tubogram.) This is an injection of dye into my uterus and x-ray to make sure there are no abnormalities. Doc says that a septum can exist even though we have had one healthy baby, and it can make it very difficult to conceive again. He's seen it before.
5. Try to get pregnant on second cycle while taking Progesterone and baby aspirin. (Progesterone and baby aspirin were what I was expecting.)

The thing that is weighing on my mind is PCOS. He said, "I'm not saying that you necessarily have it, but it's possible." See, I spot for a couple days before I get full flow. I never knew that it was abnormal to do that because I guess I don't really chat about my cycle with a lot of people, but apparently most people just get the full flow right away. I also have more hair (luckily most of it is very blond) on my face, arms, etc. than most people. I have also struggled with my weight for my whole life. I was an obese teenager, and finally got my weight more under control during college. Now I'm at a weight that I'm comfortable with, but still maybe 15-20 pounds more than where I'd like to be. All these things can be signs of PCOS.**

When I was between 16 and 20 I brought an article that I ripped out of Good Housekeeping or something to show my doctor. I am not 100% sure, but I think it was about PCOS. I asked her if I could have it because of excessive hair growth, obesity, and very irregular periods (they were then, but not now.) She pretty much told me that she didn't think so, and I'm sure it was because I was obese (which can cause irregular periods and excessive hair growth). It will be interesting to see if maybe I self-diagnosed 10 or 15 years ago...

**Edit: I forgot to add that I have some ovarian cysts, which can be harmless, but they can also be a sign of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Drunk shoveling

I'm going to try not to bitch today. :)

Tonight was a good night. We had two holiday-type get-togethers this December. One of them was earlier this month, and one was yesterday. I LOVE entertaining, but especially under the circumstances this year, I'm happy to be DONE entertaining for the season. So tonight was a good night because we're done. And we happened to have a leftover bottle of Pinot Noir from yesterday's festivities. (Who am I kidding? We LOVE wine and have a wine refrigerator in our kitchen. This bottle was sort of intentionally left over... :) Anyway, we love pinot noir, and we handily finished off the whole bottle between the two of us.

We got ummm... I dunno, maybe a foot of snow today? So it's 8:20 pm and my husband is out with the snowblower. He's a big guy, so 2 1/2 glasses of wine shouldn't have too much effect on him, but by his own estimation, he is now "drunk shoveling" (or snowblowing, as the case may be.) Somehow, that's just funny to me. As long as he doesn't lose a finger or anything.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is BITCH on my blog. I'm actually a pretty happy person most of the time. (Really.) I guess I use this space to bitch about stuff that I can't (or won't) share with people in real life.

So my husband and I have an appointment on Tuesday with a fertility specialist. I think we're going over our histories (nothing exciting for either of us really) and getting some preliminary blood work. I called my insurance company to ask what would be covered by insurance, and I seriously got the third degree.

Insurance woman: (confirms address, phone, etc.) Dr. J---- still your primary care?

Me: No, I changed to Dr. A---.

Insurance Woman: *exasperated* We can't change that until the first of the month.

Me: Okay.

Insurance Woman: *annoyed* WHY did you change doctors?

Me: Ummm... (Now getting annoyed, because what the hell business is it of hers?) Because I moved.

Insurance Woman: Oh. Is the doctor in our network?

Me: Not sure.

Insurance Woman: *audible sigh* I have to check. Hold please.

Me: (waiting and now getting agitated and upset at how short she's being with me)

Insurance Woman: Okay, change to the new primary care is effective as of the 15th.

Me: (Thinking, "you just said it had to wait until the first of the month, but whatever.")

Insurance woman: Now what do you need?

Me: I'm just trying to find out if my appointment with Dr. N------ (fertility doctor) is covered by insurance.

Insurance woman: *Starting to scold me for some other heinous insurance crime that I've committed*

Me: *on the verge of tears and starting to raise my voice* I'm sorry, can you PLEASE just be a little patient with me. (*start verbal diarrhea*) I JUST had a miscarriage last week, and I had another one in September, so I really just need you to be patient with me and I need your HELP to find out if my insurance covers the appointment with the fertility doctor.

Insurance Woman: *MUCH nicer* Yes, sure. *MUCH slower and calmer, and a WHOLE new tone to her voice* Okay, blah blah blah (goes through the initial info). Would you like me to go through the additional fertility coverage?

OH. MY. GOD. Why the hell did I have to raise my voice with her to get her to just be HUMAN to me?

17 kids and...

Is it just me, or does it annoy anyone else that someone just had her EIGHTEENTH child when we're all having this much trouble with one or two?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/18th_baby

What's next?

We opted not to do chromosome testing on the embryo because it would be around $700 and not covered by insurance until the 3rd miscarriage unless "medically necessary." Plus, the doctor said the results are almost always inconclusive. We will have blood tests done, but again, they may not tell us much. As the doctor said, a lot of things they test for are automatically ruled out by the fact that I've already had a successful pregnancy.

So basically, waiting and then rolling the dice again is where we're at. It sucks.

I'm not particularly sensitive about things that people say like "it wasn't meant to be" or "there was something wrong with the baby" because I honestly (so far) believe that. It's definitely harder to keep that perspective the second time, but I'm still going with it... (especially considering the fact that my body didn't expel the embryo again, which gives me hope that my uterus isn't the problem.) However, I do agree with other bloggers who have written that people expect that you should be over it after a certain amount of time. That's just not the case. There will be two birthdays in 2009 that I will not be celebrating, and two people that should have been my children who will never see the world. You don't get over that.

Raw

It hasn't really set in I guess. Things are just a little raw right now. Maybe it's just that I never really let myself believe that this one was going to be okay.

In an instant, I went from being a person who had one healthy baby and one miscarriage to a person who has had two miscarriages and one healthy baby. I went from being a low-risk pregnancy to being referred to a fertility specialist for testing.

I feel so lucky and so, so thankful for my son, but I'm panicking. Is this it? Is that the bargain that God made with me? Maybe I just get one healthy baby. Who's to say that I'll ever have another?

The end. Again.

Call it sixth sense, call it whatever you will, but somehow I knew. My baby has died. Again. I should have been 8 weeks 2 days, and the embryo was only 6 weeks. D & E is scheduled for tomorrow. My heart is breaking.

More Nerves

Tomorrow is the big day. We're going for my first appointment. I'm thrilled, but at the same time I'm terrified of seeing a big black empty ultrasound screen. The thought of the ultrasound re-opens the not so distant memories of my last ultrasound... No heartbeat, no baby...

More than likely, by the time a lot of people read this post, I'll already know the answer, but please keep your fingers crossed for a live baby on the ultrasound screen.

Scolded

I'm feeling a bit scolded. I called to schedule my appointment yesterday and spoke with my nurse practitioner at the OB's office. She's the one who said to call her directly when I got pregnant.

I told her I was seven weeks pregnant, and she was all dramatic about not being sure if they could "squeeze me in" the following week for an appointment and ultrasound. I explained that I had been kind of superstitious and didn't want to schedule the appointment too early, to which (if I were the nurse) I would have said, "yes, I can completely understand that." But nothing.

Really? Okay, I can understand that I probably didn't make life easy for them. If I had called at five weeks to schedule, it would have been much easier for them, but MUCH harder for me. The knowledge of the date of the appointment and that three week wait would have been torture. It seems to me that the NP has probably (definitely) dealt with nervous post-miscarriage Moms before and she should maybe be a little more compassionate. But whatever... that's just me.

On another note, I LOVED the nurses at my old OB's office. :( I changed to the new OB after I moved to cut about 30 mins. round trip off of my drive. I almost wish I had just stayed at the old office and dealt with the drive. Bleh.

P.S. Still no definitive symptoms...