On the rocks, with salt

I bought a big bottle of Margarita mix on Friday. I had two margaritas on Friday, one last night, and I'm probably going to have another one tonight. If I get lucky, I'm hoping they'll be my last margaritas for a while.

I had my HSG Friday. I was a little nervous because I was going alone (hubs was home taking care of D) plus I had heard from multiple people that it can cause some nasty cramps. I took my prescribed 600mg of Advil before the appointment, and honestly, compared to my D&Es and childbirth (which are the only other hoo-hoo related things I have to compare it to) it was a piece of cake. I was lucky enough to not really have cramping, and the only part that was uncomfortable was when they were pumping the dye in because it felt kind of like I was getting bloated. From the horror stories I read today about HSGs, I'm wondering if mine was a little less painful because of the fact that my uterus had already been stretched to the size of a 7 1/2 pound baby.

In case you haven't been reading along since this post, the HSG is a test where they pump dye into your uterus while they're watching your uterus on an x-ray. They're able to look for abnormalities in the shape of your uterus as well as any problems with your fallopian tubes. The good news from the land of HSG is that my uterus is a normal shape, there is no septum, and the tubes are both functioning. So apparently that is not my problem.

Next on the menu is some awesome ovulation tests (which have been negative since Friday) and the even more awesome progesterone - more on that later. I'm sure I'll have some kick-ass side effects to share with you.

All in all, I'm in a happy place right now. I feel like someone is finally keeping an eye on me (and by someone, I mean the doctors and nurses at the OB.) I'm hopeful that with the baby aspirin and the progesterone that I might actually be able to keep a baby alive once I'm lucky enough to build one again. And that, my friends, is certainly something to be happy about.

Thank you

Thanks to all those who gave advice about the Ovulation kits. I checked out all of the websites you recommended, and I'll keep them in case I need them next month (hope not.) In the end I decided to buy some at a store because I need them by Friday and I was a little worried that they might not arrive in time.

I got Clearb.lue Easy tests mostly because they happened to be the only "name brand" Ovulation tests that they had at Wallyworld. The kit came with a digital pregnancy test (bonus!) Of course, now that I'm in the "recurrent" category I'll be going in for a blood test to find out if I'm preggo, but I'm sure I won't be able to resist peeing on a stick anyway. I know it's totally crazy, but I'm almost looking forward to the OPKs because I'll be able to repeatedly pee on a stick for a purpose. (I'm generally a really conservative pee-er because I'm cheap and I don't want to waste the HPTs!!)

Starting the OPKs on Friday, but hopefully I'll have something more exciting to talk about before then!

I don't know how to pee on a stick.

Okay, so that's not entirely true, but it's a catchy title, isn't it?

Today I scheduled my HSG and asked a few questions about trying again. I asked about when I would need to start my progesterone. Apparently the gel that they prescribed sometimes has "coffee ground type discharge." Isn't this baby making stuff sexy? "C'mon baby, let't get it on. You want a cup of coffee first?" *wink, wink*

Anyway, I digress. She told me I need to start using OPK's so that I can start the Progesterone 3 days after I ovulate. I've never used them so I thought maybe you ladies could give some advice. Any preferences on which ones are the most accurate or easiest to use? I know some people have a hard time reading them. Any advice on what to look for to know if I'm really ovulating? Do I take them in the morning or at night? I know they have directions, but I'm sure that people have pointers. Lil' help here, ladies?

Update

1. The crimson beee-otch is on her way*, so I'm kind of excited because it means I can schedule my HSG.

2. T and I dropped D off at T's parents' house on V-Day so that we could go out to breakfast and hit a couple of our favorite little shops near where we used to live. We picked D up after lunch and headed back home. Then we got takeout Thai food for for dinner and opened a bottle of wine that we bought in France on our honeymoon in 2006.

3. The reason for very little blogging recently is because of well... very little to talk about on the infertility front, and a LOT going on in the 19 month old front. D's been VERY challenging recently (as toddlers tend to be) and I know this isn't the right forum for that info, so there ya go.

4. I'm tossing around the idea of starting another blog to talk about everything else in my life that doesn't revolve around the miscarriages because quite frankly, this blogging stuff is FUN. F-U-N, fun.

*That means that I'm getting those first spotting signs that tell me that it's coming, but I still have a day or so until the REAL floodgates open.

Lasik and Baby Limbo

Here's my random musing of the day: I want Lasik surgery. I got my first pair of glasses when I was four. FOUR, people. I got contacts when I was 12 or 13, so many of the people in my adult life probably don't even know that I wear glasses, but I'm TIRED of it. I'm tired of the cost - (contacts plus solution = megabucks), I'm tired of the hassle - wearing glasses when I'm sick, having to take the contacts out and put them in, plus clean them, and I'm tired of not being able to SEE well. I have maaaaajor astigmatisms in both eyes and even when my prescription is good, it's never perfect.

After D was born, my plan was to get Lasik in a year or so, but then we decided I should wait until the following fiscal year when we could set aside money for the year from T's salary in an FSA (Flexible spending account) and use it to pay for the Lasik tax free. (FSA can only be used for certain medical expenses, and you have to plan ahead, but it's a great benefit if you use it well.) Now we have money set aside, which will either be for Lasik or for some work that T needs to have done on his teeth (he needs a bridge and stuff, so more expensive things.)

So just get Lasik, right? Aside from the expense (which is pretty sizable), Lasik is yet ANOTHER thing that has to be put on hold because of baby limbo. Yes, that's right ladies. In case you didn't know, you shouldn't have Lasik surgery within six months of when you plan to be pregnant (plan... Haha), while you're pregnant, or until two months after you either deliver or cease breastfeeding. So if you're like us, (i.e. NOT able to decide when to be pregnant, and trying to stay pregnant over a period of months) then you could be waiting to get Lasik for years... ('Course, the other option is to get the surgery and then wait SIX AGONIZING, GRUELING MONTHS until you can attempt to get pregnant again.) And that's not happening.

So c'mon ladies... do the baby limbo with me!

I think my blog is too depressing

Yup, so I decided to write about more DEATH. Awesome, huh? Well, I was thinking about my grandmother (Dad's mother) the other day. She had four children, and one of them died about 10 days after birth. This was a fact that I knew growing up, but something I never really wondered too much about prior to my own losses.

I've been wondering what kind of support she had after the death. Knowing my grandfather, he was a wonderful person, but I can't see him being the "nurturing and empathetic" type. How did women in that day and age deal with the deaths of their children emotionally? Miscarriage and the death of children is STILL such a taboo topic. I can't imagine how it must have been in the forties.

Since my first miscarriage, I've talked to friends, joined message boards, and started this blog as just the FIRST steps to recovery. As a follow-up to Yaya's post, it's so important to comment on people's blogs when you read. I really, really appreciate all of your wonderful comments, and I try to reciprocate as often as possible.

Reading, writing and commenting are all part of my healing process. I hope that my grandmother's family was enough to pull her through the tough times, because I can't imagine having to go it alone.

Names in the sand

An amazing website... I'm speechless, actually. To Write Their Names in the Sand is a website where you can go and request your babies names to be written and photographed on a beautiful beach at sunset. To me, the symbolism of the names being there for just a brief moment and then being washed away is really deep and meaningful. I'm so touched by what these amazing people are doing. The most amazing thing is that they're doing this for no charge. In this world where everyone is in it to get SOMETHING, these people are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts to help people.

So to honor my lost babies...

Grey and Cary





Grey and Cary
EDD: 3/26/2009 and 7/20/2009
Left us too soon in August and December 2008

We will always love you and miss you, and we can't wait to meet you in heaven. Please take care of each other until we get there.

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and D