Fate

I think I've mentioned before that I am a big believer in fate. The miscarriages haven't really made me go to church any more often, but they've increased my belief in fate for some strange reason. I think maybe it's my need to feel that there was some reason, whatever it might be, for what happened. I'm not content to believe that it just happened and there's no purpose for it. If there is a God, I don't believe that he is the kind of being that would do something to cause so much heartache without a plan for the future.

I had an awesome conversation with my husband T on Sunday night. He was away in Montr.eal on a boys' weekend this weekend, and I had some alone time to think about the future and my next couple of cycles.

I've been torn. I knew that last cycle was my last chance to have a baby this year without risking a Christmas baby. I say "risking" because I love Christmas and I really go big with parties and presents and planning. It takes a lot of time. I always thought that for a kid it would be kind of yucky to have your birthday around Christmas. It seems like it could be a tough time to plan a party for a child as well, especially with people's crazy schedules around that time of year.

Well, I went and plugged my LMP into a due date predictor (using 3/24 because I didn't know when I would get AF because of the progesterone) and it spit back 12/28 at me. I know it's completely crazy, but it made me feel like, "Wow - AFTER Christmas... I could do that." I know I could still deliver on Christmas, or even New Year's Day. Due dates mean NOTHING. I have to say though, that the thought that I could deliver AFTER Christmas put things in a whole new perspective. It kind of changed my mind. (I'm not sure that will make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me...)

So anyway, I talked with my husband Sunday night (the awesome conversation) and I told him about the possible due date of the 28th, but mostly I talked about fate. I told him that I had a lot of time to think while he was gone, and that I came to the conclusion that fate should decide. We may not even get pregnant on this cycle, but if we do, that's what is supposed to happen. I had no idea what to expect because we rarely talk about such things. Instead of fighting me, instead of questioning, he looked at me with a look that almost made me cry... a look that told me that he GOT it. He understood exactly what I meant. He's catho.lic and I'm prot.estant, so we don't talk about religion much, but I could tell in that moment that together, we believe in the same thing. When it's time for us, we will be given what we need and what we deserve.