Monday, March 30, 2009

My fault

No matter how much the "outer voice" tells me that my miscarriages are not my fault, my inner voice tells me that there must be something I am doing wrong.

I was working when I got pregnant with D. I spent my days talking on the phone, using my brain, convincing people that I knew what I was talking about and that they should choose me. I ate a yogurt and a banana almost every day as part of my breakfast. I ate lunch from the cafeteria at work where they had pre-cut salad stuff and vegetables in copious quantities. For free. I also had only my husband and my cat to go home to, and we had two incomes, so I went to my gym several times a week (well, in truth, I went through phases of being good and bad about this, but I was often good).

I weigh about 6 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with D. Now, instead of working deals on the phone, I spend my days with D, and I say the word "MAMA" eight thousand times a day in hopes that he'll start calling me by name before he's 15. I still eat veggies as much as I can, and I still make salads, but making a salad every day is time consuming, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. (When it was free and in-my-face it was hard to avoid the guilt if I didn't take advantage of it.) My afternoon snacks are sometimes Goldfish or animal crackers now. Of course, I sometimes ate a couple of hershey's kisses as my afternoon snack at work, but often I ate an apple. (And a hershey kiss.)

That damn voice keeps pecking at me.
Are you getting enough exercise? (Only a couple days a week now. Trying to work on this one.) Are you eating enough folic acid? (I still take prenatal vitamins.)
Are you drinking more than you were the last time you were TTC? (Sometimes at 4:30 when D is unloading the tissue box one tissue at a time and I know T won't be home for two more hours, alcohol is essential.)
Are you eating enough good proteins and veggies? (T is on W.eight W.atchers, so I generally cook healthy meals.)
Are those 6 pounds making a difference? (The voice says maybe, but I'm thinking no.)
Could it have anything to do with your hormones being different because your body was still adjusting to being off the pill after living on the pill for years? (Probably not, but I'll ask the doctor.)
Are you being too hard on your body once you get pregnant? (I was still running on a treadmill when I was several months pregnant with D, and he was healthy, so probably not.)
Are you obsessing too much over getting pregnant and causing yourself too much stress? (Probably.)

I have an appointment tomorrow with the fertility guy. I know he can't tell me that I'll get pregnant this cycle, but I'm happy to talk to him so he can answer these questions (and others) that have been accumulating since I last saw him at the end of December.

Regardless of what he tells me, I'm going to start trying to eat a little better and start trying to exercise a little more. Especially with the summer coming, I'll have better weather to go outside with the baby jogger and more fresh local fruits and veggies to choose from in order to up my vitamins and lower my calories. Can't hurt the cause, right?


Stacie said...

I hope you get some answers after seeing the specialist. Even if it's for your own piece of mind.

Azaera said...

It's so hard dealing with infertility when you don't know why the pregnancies just won't stick. It's almost impossible to stop placing the blame on yourself. Sending you lots of hugs.

Karen said...

It is NOT your fault. I don't know why babies die. They do. One of mine did. But I DO know that it is NOT your fault. If those few things you did that could just possibly have been done better by a perfect specimin of womanhood... if those things were all it takes to cause a miscarriage... then the entire species would die out. Sure you want to take the best care of yourself possible when you're hoping to get pregnant. But what's happened is something outside your control. And you can't blame yourself for things you can't control.

Have hope. Have faith. And, as much as you can, let go of the guilt. Because the guilt isn't really yours to begin with.