Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm feeling like a failure

It seems like a very long time since my last loss. I know that "two cycles" doesn't sound like much, but I had my last D&E on December 11th. That's three and a half months. An entire quarter of a year. I've only had ONE shot at getting pregnant since then, and somehow my body blew it.

I know that one failed cycle is nothing in the grand scheme of infertility. I know that ovulation predictors and LH surges are not a guarantee that I'll get pregnant. At the same time though, it sucks. The one thing I thought I had going for me was that I could get pregnant. I clearly wasn't good at STAYING pregnant the last couple go-rounds, but at least I could GET pregnant. But this time in spite of knowing exactly when I ovulated, and making sure that T's "men" were present and accounted for at the party, I have nothing to show for it.

I'm very private about my losses for now. A few very close friends knew we were trying this cycle, and when I had to tell them that the tests were negative, it made me feel like a loser. They knew that we hadn't had trouble getting pregnant before, so I feel like I set all of us up with a false sense of positivity, (no pun intended.)

I'm almost ashamed. I feel like I was too sure of my ability to get pregnant and now I have to take it back. "Just kidding. My body can't do that anymore, either." I don't want to lie to people, but a piece of me wants to not tell anyone if we try this cycle (we were contemplating skipping this cycle because of Christmas.) I'm afraid of the embarrassment again if they know that I know EXACTLY when I ovulated, but it still doesn't happen.

Maybe I won't feel this way in a couple of weeks, but right now that's the story. Of course, the crimson bitch just rode into town on the heels of the drop in progesterone in my system, so I'm feeling very PMS-y (odd isn't it, that it's actually DURING, but I still feel it?) Guess that could be why I feel this way too.


Never Clever said...

I think you should do whatever you and your husband feel is best to protect your privacy and emotions.

If you do decide to continue to share with us, we promise to not think of you as a failure. We've been there, and we understand.

I am sorry.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you got your period and I know the immediate sense of frustration and depression that accompanies that for us.