Monday, June 8, 2009

Father's Day

There's not much going on right now, as you can tell by my overwhelming excitement about coupons and sales...

One thing has obviously been weighing on my mind though. I've been thinking about my ultrasound next week. That will be the day that we'll find out if there's a heartbeat or not. I feel relatively calm about it right now, but I know I'll be a wreck that day.

It just occurred to me that the following Sunday is Father's Day. If everything goes fine at the ultrasound, Father's Day will be lovely, but if not... Are we really going to want to go hang out with everyone? Only my parents and a couple of our friends know about the pregnancy. We're going to have to go there and pretend that everything is okay. Again.

Please forgive me for not being more upbeat. It's easy to say "well, at least you're pregnant" or "try to enjoy it while you can." The truth is, I'm not optimistic. We're doing everything we can, but I just don't know if it's enough. I really have no symptoms, even on the progesterone. (I guess I count myself as lucky because the dose I'm on is enough for a large cow, and it still isn't affecting me in the way I've heard that it affects other people.) One of the worst things is that even if my body wanted to have a natural miscarriage, it probably wouldn't because of all the progesterone.

Assuming the worst, I've already tried to figure out when I would be able to have the D & E if I need one. I know it's sick, but it's just easier to expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised.

Debbie Dow.ner, signing off.


Karen said...

Losing a child, through miscarriage or later in life, is a horror. Of course you're scared. Of course it's impossible to pretend that you're happy when the risk is so very, very real. Whatever helps you cope with that is a good thing, even if it's a morbid thing too.

If this baby is alive and well and continues to thrive, then I will be overjoyed for you. And if not, I will be here listening and caring and mourning. This is your blog. Post what you want and don't feel guilty for having real thoughts and fears and feelings.

Anonymous said...

You just made me nervous and my stomach flipped. Thinking of you.

Yeah, we gave up celebrating Mother's and Father's day with anyone.

Stacie said...

Considering all you have gone through to get to this point, who can blame you for not being too optimistic about this pregnancy.

I am the exact same way. I always, always assume the worst so when I get the news, or whatever it may be, it doesn't seem so bad.

It's a coping mechanism.

Sending you lots of good, positive vibes.