Friday, June 12, 2009

Guilt

I still have lingering guilt from my last miscarriage. What if I made a mistake?

When I went in for my first ultrasound with my second miscarriage, I should have been eight weeks two days, but according to the ultrasound I was measuring only six weeks and there was no heartbeat.

I didn't ask questions. I was sort of in shock. The ultrasound tech told us that there was no heartbeat and took lots of pictures, but no doctor looked at the live ultrasound to confirm that the embryo had died.

What if the embryo was really only six weeks along? What if the heartbeat wasn't visible yet? Why didn't I get a second opinion? Why didn't I ask how they knew for sure?

See, when I got pregnant with my son D and went in for my first ultrasound, he measured two full weeks smaller than I expected him to be based on my last period. He continued on that path and was born two weeks later than he should have been based on my LMP.

Thinking back to my last miscarriage, my sane side tells me that they wouldn't make a mistake like that. Even if I wasn't aware of them, there were checks and double-checks. Technicians are trained to look at all the options, and to count on "patient error" in keeping track of the LMP or of knowing how far along they should be.

Somehow I just can't get past the guilt, though. I went onto preg.nology.com today to check how far along I should be when I have the ultrasound next week. I don't know what made me check, but I got to thinking about how far along I would be if the last baby had made it.

38 days left.

I should be huge and uncomfortable in my third trimester. It's crazy. Never in a million years did I think I would be here. I thought for sure that I would be very pregnant by now. After all, "you know you're not infertile, right?" (as I was told by the billing person at the doctor's office) Life just never really goes the way you think it will.

4 comments:

Yaya said...

I see what you're saying about the guilt. I would probably think the same thing. I'm sure the techs knew what they were doing and I'm sorry you are full of doubt. :(
(((Hugs)))

Karen said...

I am struggling for words. I am so sorry that you lost your baby, and just as sorry that you worry that you could have/should have saved it. I'm horrified for you, for what might have happened, for what surely to God couldn't have happened.

The sad truth is that no one prepares women for anything going wrong in a pregnancy so that when it does, we're all shocked and unprepared and unable to even frame it in our minds. How is one supposed to make important decisions when she's just been told she's lost her child? Who thinks calmly and rationally about the proper steps to take or if they need a second opinion?

I don't think it was your fault. I don't think that you were in any way responsible for your baby's death. I had that second opinion and it didn't help my baby one bit. But I wish you'd gotten it so that you wouldn't have that guilt.

((((hugs))))

Stacie said...

I felt extreme guilt after my miscarriage. To this day, I still think it may have been something that could have been prevented.

I know where you're coming from, and I am sorry. I wish we didn't have to go through this...ever.

I hope you're feeling well with this pregnancy.

Wifezzilla said...

I wonder if the guilt ever goes away.

I was reading another person's blog (she seems to be really depressed about it and not handling it well at all - Noelle) and she was told by one of her male coworkers about his wife's miscarriage. I think he said they have children after that, and it's now like a blip in their history.

I am hoping that's the case for me. I know I won't feel 100% satisfied though until I have a baby. *sigh*

good luck - i am waiting for next week right there with you!

(verification code is "turism". maybe that means I need a vacation.)