Spa la Cell Fone

Not too much happening here...

It's been hot and humid, and this is the first day of Oh.My.God.Gorgeous weather. It's not humid and it's in the low 70's. Heaven.

I had a spa day with some of my girlfriends this past weekend, and while I was getting my manicure, there was a girl sitting in the waiting area (right next to the manicure tables) talking on her cell phone. For like 20 minutes. Really. In a spa.

Anyway, the conversation was with her mother, and she was talking about her newborn. Then she said that she "already knows what we're going to name the next one." I guess her mom must have said something like, "you're not planning to have another right away, right?" to which she replied, "Oh no. Three years. Two or three years."

Now, this conversation bothered me on multiple levels. The foremost reason is that it's not appropriate to have a 20 minute conversation on your cell phone in a spa, and even if it were, this is a very personal conversation, and one not appropriate for a public place.

The second reason that it was annoying to me was because hearing other people talking about babies in public is starting to bother me. Just a little bit... But I hate that. I don't want to be someone who's bothered by those kind of conversations. In the past, they didn't really phase me. Even after my first or second miscarriage they didn't phase me, but now, the notion that this girl thought she could "plan" when she was going to have her second baby seemed ludicrous to me. I know that's the reality for a lot of people, but I guess I'm getting really jaded.

I feel like I'm starting to turn into someone I don't recognize and don't want to be. And it scares me.

I have a terrible confession

Remember yesterday's post? See, I told you it wouldn't last...

Not that I don't love all of the lovely ladies who read my blog who have babies or are pregnant. I really do. Especially because I have a two year old, I know what that's like, and I enjoy reading about babies growing in and out of the womb. Sometimes.

And I don't mind hearing about how hard it is to have an infant, because it IS. People should be able to complain about it a little without feeling guilty about the people who would kill to be in their shoes.

But lately I've been trying to find some new blogs to read where people are still in the trenches. I feel like I need at least an equal share of fertiles and infertiles. I'm sure you all remember... When you're not pregnant, people who "have been there in the past" just aren't quite as comforting as those who are there now.

I'm quickly approaching the anniversary of the date last year when I found out that I had miscarried the first time. At that time, I never imagined that I would still be waiting for my turn a year later. (I guess no one really starts ttc thinking that it will take that long.)

I'm back in elementary school and I'm the last person picked for kickball in gym class.

I'm left behind. The odd man out. Singled out for who knows what reason.

A sentence. (about my son)

My baby.

The one who wasn't really talking at 20 months. The one who did Ear.ly Interve.ntion because he was behind in his expressive (spoken) language score. The one who got ear tubes at 20 months because he had constantly had fluid in his ears for months. The one who said his first real word three days after the ear tubes went in and hasn't looked back since.

My baby said his first real, spontaneous sentence today. "I like strawberries."

And suddenly everything that I've been going through over the last few weeks doesn't seem as important. I know this feeling won't last forever, but for tonight, things are pretty dang good.

Not sure

I'm nervous.

We have no new answers.

We have no chrom.osomal test results.

We have no new "plan" besides, "try again and hopefully you won't miscarry."

I'm not sure if I want to try this cycle (before we get the results of the Chrom.osome tests).

And it's creeping up on me very fast.

Hmmm.

Positive

I wish.

No, I don't mean a positive test. I mean a positive (for the most part) meeting with the therapist. We didn't really get into more than the tip of the iceberg about a lot of things that I want to eventually talk about, but she seemed to get it.

The one thing that I'm not really excited about (and I'm probably the exception rather than the rule) was that she suggested that I might want to think about asking my doctor for a prescription for Zo.loft. She said that it would help with the anxiety. I may need that at some point, (like when/if I get pregnant) but for now, I really just want to talk.

I'm not sure if I feel happy that she thinks I'm messed up enough to need an anti-depressant (meaning that I'm really not crazy, and someone else thinks that I'm sadder than a normal person should be) or if I'm a little put off by the fact that she's almost trying to throw drugs at me to even me out and make her job easier.

So, anyone have any experience with Zo.loft or other anti-depressants? Any thoughts? (You can send me a private e-mail at wheresmywhitepicketfence@hotmail.com if you'd rather not talk about it in the comments.)

So Glad

If you're feeling like all I've been doing lately is whining, you're right. I've had a really sh*tty last week and a half.

I'm very, very glad that I have my first meeting with the therapist coming up. I'm feeling really down, and completely defeated today.

Dr. G's office called the lab this morning to tell them which test to run, and the lab is STILL working on it because they said that there are consent forms that go along with this type of test. (This is the karyotype test to check my chromosomes, so it's the really important one.)

The lab (at my regular practice) then told me that it was going to a problem because I'm no longer a patient of Dr. N. "Excuse me?" Well since I asked to have my records transferred and got a referral to Dr. G, they assumed that I was changing practices. (Mind you, my primary care is still in the same building, and part of the same practice.)

Just kill me now.

It's now three hours later and I'm still waiting for a call back to find out if this has been resolved and whether I can go back to have my freaking blood drawn.

Six o'clock can't come soon enough. Hope the therapist has riot gear.

Maybe I'll have just one more glass

After my afternoon/evening, I decided to have one more cocktail to kick off my alcohol-free baby making time.

After my morning (see below), here's my afternoon:

Step 1. Call Dr. G's office to confirm that I can go to any lab to get my bloodwork drawn.

Step 2. Call insurance company to make sure that my out-of-state bloodwork prescription (from Dr. G) will not cause problems and will not be rejected for payment for any reason.

Step 3. Go online to check when BigNameDiagnostics lab closes.

Step 4. Pack D into car to get to BigNameDiagnostics lab 30 minutes before closing.

Step 5. Strike out at BigNameDiagnostics lab because they don't know which test Dr. G was referring to on a few of the things on the prescription, and Dr. G's office is already closed.

Step 6. Go home. Feed D dinner. Go online to check what time the lab at Dr. N's office (much further away than BigNameDiagnotics lab) closes. 8 PM.

Step 7. Call lab and confirm that they know what all of the tests are and that I won't go there for nothing. Yes. No problem.

Step 8. Load D back into the car. Drive through rush hour traffic. Get to the lab and wait while two clinicians confer about the tests needed.

Step 9. Agree to having all of the tests "except for this one" done because they don't know which one the doctor meant.

Step 10. Drive home, put D to bed, pour cocktail.

Step 11. Plan when I will be able to go BACK to get another blood draw.

Fertility Doc round-up

As I took a left out of the end of my road this morning, not two minutes from my house, I hit a detour. (They're repaving a piece of the street that been in ruins for the entire two years I've lived here. Two years.) I called my husband and said, "do you think that it's a bad omen that I'm only two minutes from home and I already hit a detour?"

Luckily, the rest of the ride was uneventful and the doctor's appointment wasn't all bad.

Two major things came out of the appointment today: I'm NOT taking Clomid after all, and I'm going to try to stop drinking during the months when I'm TTC. That goes completely against my rule of "I refuse to put my life completely on hold" but the doctor suggested that although occasional drinking while TTC doesn't increase the odds of miscarriage, there are some studies that show that drinking even while trying to conceive can adversely affect the baby.

Here's how it went down. The doctor never did get my medical record. It's probably going to show up in their mail today. Thanks a lot you useless-piece-of-crap medical records person who "put it in the mail" on Wednesday of last week. It could have made it there by pony by now.

I basically paid a whole lot of money out of pocket for the doctor to order the chromosomal testing for T and I that Dr. N probably should have ordered.

See, having a normal baby doesn't necessarily rule out chromosomal issues for T and I as I understood Dr. N to say. (Maybe I misunderstood him, but either way, he didn't order the tests.) Dr. G. ordered those labs, which I'm really happy about, and the results will be available in a few weeks.

Now for the Clomid. I'm sure that Dr. N has reasons / a good track record with the use of Clomid for people like me. However, when I told Dr. G that I was being prescribed Clomid (and I'm supposed to start taking it today if I'm going to take it) she couldn't understand why he was suggesting Clomid since I don't have trouble getting pregnant. In fact, she said that 20% of the time, Clomid causes the endometrial lining to be thinner, which I definitely don't need to add to my list of things to worry about. I explained that Dr. N wanted to help my body to produce progesterone on its own, and she didn't seem to agree, but she kept her opinion to herself.

My impression of Dr. G is a tough call. She absolutely knows her stuff. She's very, very smart, but she also talked fast and "above my head" for much of the time. In the end, I think I preferred that to the feeling that I get with Dr. N, that he (and his staff) are not paying enough attention. Dr. G is being proactive and ordering more tests. Dr. N's suggestion was to just "see what happens."

The plan: Chromosomal testing for T and me, try to get pregnant this month (yay!) and start taking progesterone three days after LH surge. Baby aspirin is up to me, and she said to go ahead and start taking it now if I want to. (It sounded like she didn't think it made a difference.)

TMI-FYI

(Too much information, for your information) I stole this from Yaya, because it is fitting for this news.

Well ladies, the crimson bitch has ridden into town.

5 weeks 2 days post D & E. Not too bad.

When do the candid cameras come in?

Well, things didn't really get better, (in fact, I would venture to say that they've gotten progressively worse) but I think I've adjusted to the suckage of everything and am trying to roll with it.

We're keeping the appointment on Monday even though we'll have to pay for it out of pocket (holy crap is it expensive!) because the freaking PCP's BigHugeCorporation won't give an out of state referral, even though the doctor ALSO practices in state. (I may have mentioned that a few. dozen. times.)

I'm a serious type-A personality. I hate when things aren't organized, and I hate having to flip through things to find something. A few weeks ago I channeled my heartbreak and anger into a five page single spaced medical history detailing my entire history of illness (not much) and pregnancy/pregnancy loss. We're talking exact dates, here, even down to periods I missed in 1999 and 2000. It took hours. Now, whenever a doctor asks me a question about my family's medical issues, my own medical issues in terms of what/when/where, I'll be able to find it at my fingertips.

It's looking like a mighty good thing that I'm so anal right about now, because it looks like that might be all the doctor has to go by on Monday. Believe it or not, they still haven't received my medical history in the mail (and the mail already came today.) There's a chance that it will show up in Saturday's mail, but I'm not holding my breath. For some reason, I'm not feeling particularly lucky right now.

Please, please, please, let the doctor tell me that she thinks she can figure this thing out, and that she has a better answer than, "roll the dice again..."

You HAVE to be effing kidding me

So much for my list of things to be grateful about. (I mean, I'm still grateful for those things but am currently moving on to the new sh*t being slung my way.)

I made an appointment with that specialist I was telling you all about in July. She works out of BigHospital in BigCitySortOfNearMe. She also works one day a week in SmallHospital MuchCloserToMeButInTheNextState.

Let's put it this way. This has not been a good week.

Getting my records sent to the new doctor has been a NIGHTMARE. I think I'm up to somewhere around 15 phone calls (maybe more). Finally the new doctor's office called the medical record office of my normal doctor and THEY asked for the records to be sent. (Miraculously, when a doctor's office calls, it doesn't take "10-14 days" for records to be forwarded.) So that was the horror of Monday.

That was just round one. Today was the TKO. (Technical knock out, for those who don't know boxing lingo.)

I'm new to this "choose your own doctor" business. When I called BigHospital in BigCitySortOfNearMe and they told me that the specialist also has office hours in SmallHospital MuchCloserToMeButInTheNextState, I said, "cool!" and I scheduled my appointment there (in the next state).

I've been calling my PCP's office since Monday to get the referral. Today, I got a call from the new specialist's office making sure that I was working on getting the referral. I was waiting for a phone call back from someone at my OB's office, but the specialist's nurse told me I needed it from my PCP (whose office had told me to call the OB on Monday.)

Are you dizzy yet?

Long story short, when I finally spoke with the person in medical records, she said that they can't give me a referral because they don't do out of state referrals. (It would have been nice if the person who originally told me that I could see the doctor in the next state had TOLD me that a referral might be problematic.)

F**K.

The good news is that I had already called on Monday to make an appointment with a therapist and I'm seeing her next week. The bad news is that I REALLY need it now because I'm pretty sure I'm going to go insane.

What I'm grateful for

No, I haven't called about the therapy yet, and this isn't the first step of my "program." :) I just decided that I wanted to remind myself (and tell all of you so you don't think I'm miserable all the time) that I really have so much to be thankful for. Here's my list for the day.

1. T. Sometimes I wonder if he's the only one who would put up with my BS. I know that I can be difficult sometimes (and opinionated) and he just rolls with the punches. (Then again, he has his own fair share of BS that I put up with, so I guess we're pretty even.) If soul mates exist, he really is mine.

2. D. He's such a gift. Especially now that I know how hard it could have been to have my first baby, I hug him a little tighter and love him a little bit more. (He says 'I love you' now, although it sounds more like, 'oh-wah-doo.' Totally gets me every time.)

3. The ability to be a stay-at-home Mom. I know not everyone can afford to do it, and it's not for everyone either, but I love it. We've had to make some sacrifices and cut some things out of our budget to afford it, and although there are days I'd rather be at work, I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

4. Although I've complained some about friends and family who aren't terribly supportive, I know I'm not alone. (That is, I know that almost all women who have IF issues or have had miscarriages feel like their friends and family don't fully get it, either.) I also have to say that I'm very lucky to have a few friends who do get it - in some cases not the ones I expected to, and talking to those people always makes me feel better.

5. So thankful that I live in a state that mandates that insurances cover infertility treatments and that I don't have to wait months to see doctors.

6. I'm very grateful for the fact that although my anxiety is annoying, it isn't debilitating. I still do all the things that give me anxiety, I just have anxiety before I do them and have to push through it. I know things could be much worse.

7. I was going to stop at six, but I had one more that I really wanted to include. I feel so lucky that music moves me. A friend of mine told me the other day that her husband just doesn't feel the same way about music as she does. I guess it never really occurred to me before that not everyone has the same emotional response to music.
Music can cheer me up, pump me up, make me laugh, make me cry, make my chest tighten in anticipation of the next note... For me, it's an amazing gift.

Another one

So, another person in my "real life" announced that she was pregnant the other day. 8 weeks. With her third.

Now, I'm being totally honest when I say that I'm okay with it (I really am) but it got me thinking again about how people think that miscarriage can't happen to them. I mean, I was sort of there before my first miscarriage. I never took pregnancy for granted the first time around, (and we certainly didn't announce to the world until the second trimester) but I went through it figuring that things were fine unless I was told otherwise.

Announcing when she's eight weeks to acquaintances? Her neighbor? I dunno. It just seems so early. I mean, I could have announced at (what I thought was) eight weeks the last three times. Perhaps not a good idea.

I've been thinking about going back to therapy. I went for just a few sessions last year (before any of my miscarriages), and I wouldn't go back to the same person, but I think I might need someone to talk to right now. I've been feeling pretty anxious lately. The other day, D woke up really early and I left him in his crib for a little while and he eventually fell back asleep. He still wasn't awake by 8:30 and I honestly ended up having to go in and wake him up because I was worried that he might have strangled himself with his blanket. I mean... really people. He's two. If he starts cutting off his own air supply, odds are he'll be able to adjust his sleeping position with no problem.

But I've been thinking about that recently - especially with regard to T and D. I've been worrying (fleeting thoughts usually) that something is wrong with them/something has happened to them. I have this crazy irrational fear that they're going to be taken away from me. (I was starting to go on, but I'm going to just cut myself off on that one so that you people don't think I'm too crazy.)

There are other things I have anxiety about too. New situations. Driving to new places. Being late for things. Meeting new people. Feeling like I'm not feeling the "right way" about my losses or about the reasons for them.

Prior to my OB appointments, (like hours prior when I start thinking about it) my heart starts beating fast and I have to get myself to calm down. Maybe that's a little more understandable.

So here's what this all boils down to.

I guess the reason I'm thinking therapy might be a good idea is that I don't think I'm prepared for another pregnancy in my current mental state. Wait, that's not exactly right. I'm SO ready for another pregnancy. I guess what I mean is that I would like to be better equipped to deal with the stresses I'm up against this time around.

Bleh. I hope I get my period soon. We're not trying right away, but I'd like to know about when I can expect my period the NEXT time around so there's something else to look forward to.