Saturday, August 1, 2009

Another one

So, another person in my "real life" announced that she was pregnant the other day. 8 weeks. With her third.

Now, I'm being totally honest when I say that I'm okay with it (I really am) but it got me thinking again about how people think that miscarriage can't happen to them. I mean, I was sort of there before my first miscarriage. I never took pregnancy for granted the first time around, (and we certainly didn't announce to the world until the second trimester) but I went through it figuring that things were fine unless I was told otherwise.

Announcing when she's eight weeks to acquaintances? Her neighbor? I dunno. It just seems so early. I mean, I could have announced at (what I thought was) eight weeks the last three times. Perhaps not a good idea.

I've been thinking about going back to therapy. I went for just a few sessions last year (before any of my miscarriages), and I wouldn't go back to the same person, but I think I might need someone to talk to right now. I've been feeling pretty anxious lately. The other day, D woke up really early and I left him in his crib for a little while and he eventually fell back asleep. He still wasn't awake by 8:30 and I honestly ended up having to go in and wake him up because I was worried that he might have strangled himself with his blanket. I mean... really people. He's two. If he starts cutting off his own air supply, odds are he'll be able to adjust his sleeping position with no problem.

But I've been thinking about that recently - especially with regard to T and D. I've been worrying (fleeting thoughts usually) that something is wrong with them/something has happened to them. I have this crazy irrational fear that they're going to be taken away from me. (I was starting to go on, but I'm going to just cut myself off on that one so that you people don't think I'm too crazy.)

There are other things I have anxiety about too. New situations. Driving to new places. Being late for things. Meeting new people. Feeling like I'm not feeling the "right way" about my losses or about the reasons for them.

Prior to my OB appointments, (like hours prior when I start thinking about it) my heart starts beating fast and I have to get myself to calm down. Maybe that's a little more understandable.

So here's what this all boils down to.

I guess the reason I'm thinking therapy might be a good idea is that I don't think I'm prepared for another pregnancy in my current mental state. Wait, that's not exactly right. I'm SO ready for another pregnancy. I guess what I mean is that I would like to be better equipped to deal with the stresses I'm up against this time around.

Bleh. I hope I get my period soon. We're not trying right away, but I'd like to know about when I can expect my period the NEXT time around so there's something else to look forward to.


Azaera said...

I've dealt with anxiety extensively. Though we're not friends I assure you, quite the opposite. So I understand the desire for some counselling. The anxiety can become pervasive to the point where you can no longer live your life. At one time I was a wreck, I couldn't do anything, I would sit on my floor rocking back and forth trying to distract myself from the panicked feelings, the tightening in my chest, the quickened breathing, and the sick feeling in my stomach.

I hope you can find someone to talk to who can help you with this. Living with anxiety sucks.

Wifezzilla said...

I might need to consider therapy for the anxiety you also talk about. I have panic attacks, but they sort of eased up over the past few years. I often have those same irrational thoughts.

And yes, I also wonder if people realize that the majority seem to go about a pregnancy without any sort of wonder about it. It must be nice, to plan to have a baby from the moment you see that stick show a second line.

Anonymous said...

I remember that horrible panicky feeling each time I went to my OB's office.

I've also thought the same thing about people announcing their first trimester pregnancies. I felt horrible when a co-worker of mine annouced, told me she had had a little spotting (at this point I'm worried for her) and then a few weeks later tells me she had a miscarriage. I felt so bad for her.

I think it's good that you've recognized that your anxiety level is getting worse and needs some attention. Hopefully a good therapist can help you get it under control. Lots of ((hugs)) and warm thoughts.

Oh and thanks for the eczema tip, I'm going to try that on his and mine. For some reason mine goes away in winter and flares up in summer.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it could hurt to try counseling if you think it can help :) I often worry about my son, especially now at 5 months and sleeping in his crib. We have a video monitor and I still find myself getting up every few hrs to check on him and not sleeping well! And he has a breathable bumper and a Halo Sac!

A friend of mine's husband announced her pregnancy at 5 weeks to my husband and other coworkers and the following week she had a miscarriage. She didn't even know he told anyone so imagined how shocked she was to get my sympathy email. They have a 3 yr old son and they have been trying for a year now since that miscarriage to get pregnant again.

We have severe male factor, and If we get lucky enough to get pregnant with another IVF or FET again in the future, I will not tell anyone until at least the first trimester is over.

Karen said...

I think you should get the counseling. If the last three children you'd given birth to had died, no one would give a second thought to you having anxiety and needing help. For many women (including me) losing a pregnancy has pretty much the same effect as losing a full term baby. So of course you're full of anxiety. Of course you're panicing at the thought of going back to the place where you found out.

Just take care of yourself and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks about how you should be doing.

Anonymous said...

Our lives are so similar. I've been having terrible anxiety recently. I really love my counselor. But what helps me tremendously is acupuncture.