Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A different kind of lonely

Most of you know that lonely feeling that comes with being infertile.

Now that I'm not "infertile lonely" anymore, I'm realizing that I'm feeling a different kind of lonely. I'm at a point in my pregnancy when I want to start telling everyone my news. I want to be able to talk with people about how exciting the first kicks are and ooh and aah over cute baby clothes, and talk about what new gear I might want for this bambino that I didn't use for D.

The thing is that I find myself constantly clamming up and NOT saying the excited thoughts that are on the tip of my tongue. The problem is, I have a pretty high percentage of friends and close family who have been, or who are in the trenches. And the rest of the people around me... Well, you just never know who might be infertile.

There's something about knowing that side of the coin that makes it so much harder to be pregnant in slightly infertile surroundings. I'm sure some of you are about to tune out in disgust thinking, "Oh you poor pregnant girl. Stop complaining." I can't blame you if you feel that way. I am incredibly fortunate to be pregnant right now. I just wish I felt able to be a normal pregnant person, who doesn't walk on eggshells when talking about her pregnancy.

Here's the rundown, in case you're interested.
Close friend #1 is nowhere near having kids, and is not sure that she wants them at all. She's stressed out with trying to sell her house and is consumed with work and with trying to figure out whether to stay with her job or find a new one. Although she gets excited when I share things about the pregnancy with her, she is in such a different place in her life that I feel bad burdening her with my fears and feel like I might be boring her with the semi-mundane details of pregnancy.
Close Friend #2 has been through multiple unsuccessful IVF cycles, and for now, has stopped trying to have children through IVF, thus I feel bad talking to her about pregnancy related things, too.
Another friend is currently going through IVF, and although she knows what I've been through, as you all well know, that doesn't really make it easier to hear about people's successes, even when you're happy for them.
Another friend had several miscarriages a few years ago, but now has two awesome kids. However, she is going through a messy divorce (through no fault of her own) and I feel like hearing about me going through one of the most wonderful things in life while she feels a little like her life is falling apart, is probably like rubbing salt on the wound.
Another friend recently had a missed m/c at 13 weeks.
One cou.sin, who I'm fairly close with, is older than me, not yet married, and very much wants to be married and have children. So she's another person I try to not talk about pregnancy related things in front of very much.
My bro.ther and his wife also had to use IVF to have their child (back a couple of years ago, before any of my m/c), and I know that, in spite of their child, the scars of infertility are still raw there, thus I try not to be "too happy" in front of them.

So there you have it. These are literally all of my closest friends, and my only sibli.ng.

So, hi guys... Yes, you out there in the blogosphere. Just wanted you to know... I'm excited about my pregnancy. (And thanks Mom and Dad, 'cause you're excited too, although you'll never read this.)

6 comments:

Shawn said...

That's tough. After being on both sides, you definitely want to be sensitive to your friends' needs, but because they are your friends, I'm sure they want to be a part of one of the most special times of your life. And after knowing what you've been through to get here, I'm sure they'd be thrilled for you. I wouldn't make it an exclusive topic of conversation, but you may be pleasantly surprised at the response you get. And it may be bittersweet for some, but they will find out about it eventually, and their feelings about it is something you can't control. I'm sure knowing how much you care will mean a lot...good luck! And congrats!!

CeCe said...

I understand how you feel. A certain amount of the sensitivity that we've gained towards others' potential situations is a good thing. However, it would be nice to feel like other "normal" pregnant women.

Not complaining either, but it is indeed rather lonely. Hope you find more and more comfort. I believe the people who love you and care about you are truly happy for you.

Dan & Hillary said...

I understand the avoidance of the Belly and its' related conversations but this is YOUR time to take joy in YOUR miracle. Have you joined BabyCenter to meet some women due the same month as you? Celebrate this little one because its' life is so precious:-)

wifey said...

Have you read the blog Knocked Up Knocked Down? She's pregnant after stillbirth and miscarriage and has written about a lot of the things you are expressing.

I can't imagine what it's like. I hope to, someday. My two cents: don't sell your friends short. They know you have struggled - especially your friend who has experienced miscarriage - and I'm sure they're happy for you.

Anonymous said...

I can relate. Severe MF, one failed fresh cycle and successful FET to have our son and a fresh cycle for this pregnancy (26 wks with our daughter.)

IF never affected me when I was younger til I got married. When I had my baby shower I thought of my aunt and uncle and brother's Godparents, who decided not to pursue adoption and are childless. I wanted to let them know I have been there, but I know their treatments 20-30 years ago were not as advanced as today.

IF affects us all differently, but we are truly happy to see a IRL friend or blogger friend have a successful pregnancy because it gives everyone hope and we know how hard that person has struggled. Enjoy this little one!

Kelley

Karen said...

Wow. That must be hard. I'd be nervous, too. But maybe you can find an opportunity to make a few new friends to share this with more openly. If you're going shopping for baby stuff, you'll probably notice flyers for new/expectant moms groups. And maybe you can make a few acquaintances at the OB/GYN's office. After all, it's not like you have to give up your old friends to make a new friend or two.