A different kind of lonely

Most of you know that lonely feeling that comes with being infertile.

Now that I'm not "infertile lonely" anymore, I'm realizing that I'm feeling a different kind of lonely. I'm at a point in my pregnancy when I want to start telling everyone my news. I want to be able to talk with people about how exciting the first kicks are and ooh and aah over cute baby clothes, and talk about what new gear I might want for this bambino that I didn't use for D.

The thing is that I find myself constantly clamming up and NOT saying the excited thoughts that are on the tip of my tongue. The problem is, I have a pretty high percentage of friends and close family who have been, or who are in the trenches. And the rest of the people around me... Well, you just never know who might be infertile.

There's something about knowing that side of the coin that makes it so much harder to be pregnant in slightly infertile surroundings. I'm sure some of you are about to tune out in disgust thinking, "Oh you poor pregnant girl. Stop complaining." I can't blame you if you feel that way. I am incredibly fortunate to be pregnant right now. I just wish I felt able to be a normal pregnant person, who doesn't walk on eggshells when talking about her pregnancy.

Here's the rundown, in case you're interested.
Close friend #1 is nowhere near having kids, and is not sure that she wants them at all. She's stressed out with trying to sell her house and is consumed with work and with trying to figure out whether to stay with her job or find a new one. Although she gets excited when I share things about the pregnancy with her, she is in such a different place in her life that I feel bad burdening her with my fears and feel like I might be boring her with the semi-mundane details of pregnancy.
Close Friend #2 has been through multiple unsuccessful IVF cycles, and for now, has stopped trying to have children through IVF, thus I feel bad talking to her about pregnancy related things, too.
Another friend is currently going through IVF, and although she knows what I've been through, as you all well know, that doesn't really make it easier to hear about people's successes, even when you're happy for them.
Another friend had several miscarriages a few years ago, but now has two awesome kids. However, she is going through a messy divorce (through no fault of her own) and I feel like hearing about me going through one of the most wonderful things in life while she feels a little like her life is falling apart, is probably like rubbing salt on the wound.
Another friend recently had a missed m/c at 13 weeks.
One cou.sin, who I'm fairly close with, is older than me, not yet married, and very much wants to be married and have children. So she's another person I try to not talk about pregnancy related things in front of very much.
My bro.ther and his wife also had to use IVF to have their child (back a couple of years ago, before any of my m/c), and I know that, in spite of their child, the scars of infertility are still raw there, thus I try not to be "too happy" in front of them.

So there you have it. These are literally all of my closest friends, and my only sibli.ng.

So, hi guys... Yes, you out there in the blogosphere. Just wanted you to know... I'm excited about my pregnancy. (And thanks Mom and Dad, 'cause you're excited too, although you'll never read this.)

I didn't know if I'd ever make it this far again

I'm sitting on my sofa in the early evening and watching Julia Child make spinach lasagna (complete with dry white wine in the sauce - go Julia...) and the little person growing inside of me is kicking at my insides and doing some kind of gymnastics. I've been feeling it since about 14 weeks, but this is the first week that it's been getting stronger and more frequent.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever have a chance to feel this again, and I have to tell you that I am feeling very, very humbled at what a miracle this process is, and so very happy.

Letting go of the fear

Today was a good day. I got the call with my final amnio results and everything is normal!! I was fairly relieved after the first results, but now I'm ready to really rejoice that everything looks good.

I had another ultrasound at my regular doc's office, and everything on the inside looks good too. The placenta has completely pulled itself away from the cervix, and is no longer even low-lying. My cervix is long and closed, and the baby is happy, moving around and heart is beating away.

I'm starting to "pop" out a little more, and I don't think my skinny jeans would fit anymore if I tried to put them on (which I'm not planning to do.) On my to-do list for the weekend is to have my husband pull the maternity clothes out of the basement.

I'm planning to tell the women at D's playgroup this week that I'm pregnant. (Can't wait to see their faces when I tell them I'm almost 19 weeks... but whatever. Self preservation, right?) I'm excited about the prospect of telling people and trying to let go of the fear and just enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Nerves and shopping sprees

My amnio is now about 4 full days behind me, and I listened to little Doppler's hb last night and all seems well. I've (of course) been super-sensitive to every little ache and pain in the abdominal area since the amnio, (because complications of amnio usually occur within the first 48 hours) but I think I'm probably in the clear by now. *fingers crossed*

Soooo... I decided to bite the bullet and go SHOPPING. Mind you, I've been too nervous to even take my maternity clothes out of the basement yet, but Ol.d Nav.y is having a big maternity sale (through 2/18 for those interested). I couldn't NOT take advantage of it! I bought a couple of pairs of pants, and about 6 shirts for $102. (I also had a coupon and a little money left on a gift card, so it ended up being just $89 out of pocket.) Then, when I came home I checked their website and realized that 3 of the shirts I bought (same style, different colors) were $2.50 less each on the website. Being the bargain hunter that I am, I ordered them online and will return the others to the store. (By the way, I ended up ordering 6 shirts online, for $50, with FREE shipping with a $50 purchase using the code ONGIVE50). All in all, some good deals, folks.

And the best part? D was an ANGEL the whole time we were in the store. He just chilled out in his stroller while I browsed, tried on, and paid. It was a good day...

Random rant

Why is my pregnancy ticker off??? I've reset it THREE times to try to get it to say the right thing, but it still says the wrong thing. It says 17w6d right now, and I am 18 weeks. Sometimes it's right, though. Is there a clock somewhere that I have to re-set? Anyone??

Normal

The preliminary results of the amnio are back. We have GOOD news, ladies. The results are normal, or negative, or whatever you want to call it. No Dow.n Sy.ndrome.

*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

I may actually finally tell some more people that I'm pregnant. (Have I mentioned that we still have only told our parents, siblings, and a few very close friends?)

18 weeks tomorrow...

Not enough answers

I still don't know.

Well, first the good news: my low lying placenta seems to have corrected itself, which takes one more thing off my list of "stuff to worry about."

And then the other news.

I had my level II u/s yesterday, and the baby wouldn't cooperate during the u/s. They weren't able to view all of the structures that they needed to see, so I have to go back for a follow-up at the beginning of March. The doctor said that the strucutres they could see "look fine" and the fact that they couldn't see some things "does not mean that there is a problem."

We made the decision to have the amnio because we feel that we need to know for sure, and we need to know before March. We were able to do the amnio right in the same room as the u/s. We'll have preliminary results of the amnio back in a couple of days. The thing that is freaking both of us out (and I'm kind of glad I didn't know it before I met with the genetic counselor yesterday prior to the u/s) is that the odds of this baby having Dow.n Syndr.ome are 1:95. For those of you who haven't had a DS screening, this is a HUGE number. Usually, they speak in terms of 1:10000 or 1:5000. It still means that 94 out of 95 will NOT have DS, but there's a better than 1% chance that it could.

Please, please, please... Let us be one of the 94.

I missed it

I looked at the date today and realized that yesterday I missed my third due date. It slipped my mind. I mean, I knew it was coming. Even last week, I knew that it was coming up, but I just... I don't know. I just didn't have that same feeling this time.

Maybe this one was easier because I knew that it was not genetically normal (as I talked about in this post) and wouldn't have survived no matter what. Maybe it helps that I'm pregnant this time. Maybe it was easier because it was the third, and it's almost routine by now. (That sounds horrible, but you know what I mean.) I'm still feeling a little guilty. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a few other things on my mind... but... I feel guilty that I didn't acknowledge this day as I did for our other two losses.

I'm sorry, little person. I wish you had made it, but you weren't meant to be.

Keeping a level head

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you wonderful ladies for the supportive comments. I, too, know three women personally who have gotten false positives on various portions of the DS screening tests. I'm trying to keep my head in the game and focus on the good results of the first two sets of tests.

I have to wait until next Tuesday for the level II u/s, and then if anything looks funky, I have the option of having the amnio that same day. It sounds like if everything looks fine on the u/s, I won't be having an amnio. I would be fine with that in some ways because of the slight risk involved, but it also would be nice to have an absolute answer. Apparently the lvl II u/s will take the place of my 18 w u/s at my doctor's office, so I'll be having that just a little earlier than anticipated. I'm still really nervous about the placenta placement, so all in all, it's going to be a nerve-wracking day.

I'm really torn about finding out the sex. We didn't with D, and that was really great. However, after everything we've gone through, I feel like we need something really fun to look forward to NOW. But... it was so much fun with D to be able to make the phone calls after he was born and say, "It's a boy!" Would it be so wrong to find out the sex and then not tell anyone...?

Not what I need right now

I just got a call from my doctor's office telling me that the second set of bloodwork (for the sequential screening) came back positive for Dow.n Syndr.ome. This does not necessarily mean that the baby has Do.wn Syn.drome, but rather that it can't be ruled out.

I guess the next step is to get a level 2 ultrasound and an amnio. My doctor got on the phone and said "Don't worry, your NT scan was fine and the first bloodwork was fine. You'll go get the screening, you'll get the amnio, and then you won't have to worry for the rest of the pregnancy."

I love my doctor, and he was very reassuring. If only it were that easy not to worry. I'm trying not to be cynical, but there's a big piece of me that's feeling like this isn't fair.