Wish I were more of a b**ch

Before I begin this post, I have to ask you all to please NOT tell me to change doctors. This practice is the closest practice to me that delivers at the hospital where I want to deliver. While I'm not thrilled with their attentiveness, I do have the feeling that they know what they're doing. From now on, I just need to be more assertive with regard to my own care.

That being said...

When I walked into the fertility doc's (Dr. N.'s) office, he reviewed my HSG results and my bloodwork. The HSG was normal (which I knew) and the blood work was mostly normal except for an elevated anticardiolipin level. I knew that too, but for weeks I've been asking the nurse to tell me exactly what that means, and when she couldn't, (on any of the multiple occasions that I asked her) I finally gave up. (After all, Dr. Google reassured me that elevated anticardiolipin levels are often treated with baby aspirin, which I was on last cycle.) Nurse "nice but useless" was clearly not concerned enough about my test result to offer a follow-up appointment with the doctor.

Dr. N. started telling me about the anticardiolipin level and its implications (e.g. blood clotting issues.) Long story short: he's concerned. He's very concerned that this is a major factor in my inability to maintain a pregnancy. (Nurse "NBU" did not seem concerned at all, and had just told me to "call again next cycle" when I ovulate and "we'll try again".)

Dr. N. is concerned enough about this issue that he's referring me to yet another specialist: a high risk specialist, who will either be able to diagnose/treat the problem, or who will refer me to a hematologist (blood specialist) for further evaluation. Dr. N. wants the high risk person to decide if she thinks I am okay with just baby aspirin, or if I should move to something like Hepa.rin. Bad news is that the high risk person is only in their office once a month, and that's not until April 28th. Dr. N. doesn't want us to try again until I see the high risk doctor.

F**K. (Or, no f**k, depending on how you look at it.)

Guess we can throw that "fate" post out the window. Or maybe this is fate. Interesting.

When I walked out of the office I was kind of angry with them, and then I was annoyed with myself, and now I'm annoyed with them again. This WHOLE TIME I've been waiting, I could have had an appointment scheduled with this specialist. The blood draw was in January. F**king JANUARY. I've been asking Nurse "NBU" since JANUARY if the test results had implications.

ARRRRGH!

Okay, but now for the rest of the stuff:

I had a good appointment with the doctor. Asked him about weight and stress, and PCOS. He said that if I do have PCOS, it can't hurt to try to lose 5 or more pounds. Believe it or not, some studies that he's read have shown that losing even 5 or 10 pounds can improve the symptoms of PCOS. So hopefully that will be the kick in the ass that I need to lose some weight. (I wanted to lose some anyway, so hopefully this will be my motivation.)

I told him that the OPKs stressed me out, and he confirmed my question about stress making people ovulate late sometimes.

He also said the words that I really have been looking for from the beginning: "Let's GET you pregnant, and THEN treat you." That means no OPKs, and no progesterone until AFTER I get a positive test. (For now, anyway.)

So the new plan is to see the specialist, then see Dr. N again (I have an appointment already scheduled this time) and then try to get knocked up "the old fashioned way."

The moral of this story is that if I had been more of a bee-otch in the beginning, and insisted that I either talk with or meet with the Doctor about my test results, I probably would already have seen the specialist and would be trying this month. The big thing I've learned about this office is that I need to be my own advocate because they're too busy for hand holding.

Then again, fate works in strange ways, and maybe this was really the way it was supposed to happen after all.

My fault

No matter how much the "outer voice" tells me that my miscarriages are not my fault, my inner voice tells me that there must be something I am doing wrong.

I was working when I got pregnant with D. I spent my days talking on the phone, using my brain, convincing people that I knew what I was talking about and that they should choose me. I ate a yogurt and a banana almost every day as part of my breakfast. I ate lunch from the cafeteria at work where they had pre-cut salad stuff and vegetables in copious quantities. For free. I also had only my husband and my cat to go home to, and we had two incomes, so I went to my gym several times a week (well, in truth, I went through phases of being good and bad about this, but I was often good).

I weigh about 6 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with D. Now, instead of working deals on the phone, I spend my days with D, and I say the word "MAMA" eight thousand times a day in hopes that he'll start calling me by name before he's 15. I still eat veggies as much as I can, and I still make salads, but making a salad every day is time consuming, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. (When it was free and in-my-face it was hard to avoid the guilt if I didn't take advantage of it.) My afternoon snacks are sometimes Goldfish or animal crackers now. Of course, I sometimes ate a couple of hershey's kisses as my afternoon snack at work, but often I ate an apple. (And a hershey kiss.)

That damn voice keeps pecking at me.
Are you getting enough exercise? (Only a couple days a week now. Trying to work on this one.) Are you eating enough folic acid? (I still take prenatal vitamins.)
Are you drinking more than you were the last time you were TTC? (Sometimes at 4:30 when D is unloading the tissue box one tissue at a time and I know T won't be home for two more hours, alcohol is essential.)
Are you eating enough good proteins and veggies? (T is on W.eight W.atchers, so I generally cook healthy meals.)
Are those 6 pounds making a difference? (The voice says maybe, but I'm thinking no.)
Could it have anything to do with your hormones being different because your body was still adjusting to being off the pill after living on the pill for years? (Probably not, but I'll ask the doctor.)
Are you being too hard on your body once you get pregnant? (I was still running on a treadmill when I was several months pregnant with D, and he was healthy, so probably not.)
Are you obsessing too much over getting pregnant and causing yourself too much stress? (Probably.)

I have an appointment tomorrow with the fertility guy. I know he can't tell me that I'll get pregnant this cycle, but I'm happy to talk to him so he can answer these questions (and others) that have been accumulating since I last saw him at the end of December.

Regardless of what he tells me, I'm going to start trying to eat a little better and start trying to exercise a little more. Especially with the summer coming, I'll have better weather to go outside with the baby jogger and more fresh local fruits and veggies to choose from in order to up my vitamins and lower my calories. Can't hurt the cause, right?

Closet full of crap

I mentioned in my picture tag post that I was selling a camera for my uncle on E.bay. Well, I've sold a few other things on there, and I've had good experiences so far. Here's what I've found though. When you tell people that you've sold things on E.bay, they're FASCINATED. (Well, the people who don't know how to do it are, anyway.)

Let me tell you about my guest room closet. It's a pretty big closet. It has a lot of clothes that aren't in season, coats, my wedding dress, various bridesmaid dresses, etc. And a bunch of crap that people want me to sell for them on E.bay.

It's my own fault. I have my own crap that's "too good for a yard sale." So when people say, "oh, I have something that would be PERFECT for E.bay" I can't resist. They give it to me and it sits in my closet. And sits.

I promise someday I will finally post it for auction. Just gotta go re-list this darn camera first... (didn't sell last week because our reserve was too high.)

Due date

Today is baby Grey's due date. I thought I would have a harder time with the day, but I'm really doing okay. I guess that's because today isn't the day I lost Grey. Really, that was months and months ago, and I've already had time to grieve. My husband said to me today, "will this help with closure for you?" I told him that I honestly don't know if there will be a year when I don't think about Grey on March 26th. I don't cry all the time anymore, though. I don't even think about the babies every day really. Today is my day though. This is the day when I'll remember that Grey should be here and he/she isn't.

To remember Grey, we went out and bought some balloons and I wrote a short note on one of them. We went onto the back porch and released them into the sky. Each year I'm sure it will get a little easier, and I may not always feel the need to commemorate the day in such a way... but for this year, that's what I needed to do.

Random Stuff

Gallerygirl tagged me on her blog with the picture tag "thingy" so here it is. I try to keep my blog pretty anonymous, so it actually worked out well that this happened to be the picture that came up. It's a picture of the vintage camera that I'm selling for my uncle on E.bay. Cool, huh?

The rules are thus:
1. Find your sixth picture folder and in that folder, the sixth picture.
2. Post it on your blog with some of the background of the picture.
3. Tag four others and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been tagged.

I tag Azaera, Wifezilla, Bubba, and Never Clever.

Now onto other stuff. I'm beginning to really feel like my blog is all the bad things that happen in my life, so I decided to let you all into my extremely exciting (*cough*) life with a few tidbits about me:

1. I love wine. Hubs and I have a wine refrigerator in our kitchen that holds 32 bottles, I think. It's usually full, and it's one of our favorite toys.
2. When we got married and got the wine fridge, we had no idea how important the locks would be - until we had a toddler.
3. D (the toddler) just got his first haircut. He looks like a little man, and it's so freaking amazing to see him growing up.
4. I love to cook. I cook all kinds of yummy meals, but my favorite thing to do is bake. I'm a big-time cookie baker girl.
5. I have a fantasy that someday I might actually make real money selling cookies. (The next Mrs. Fiel.ds, maybe?)
6. I love spring. I can't wait until it's a little warmer so we can play outside all of the time. Plus, I adore daffodils, and this is their season.
7. I'm a stay at home Mom. (Is that obvious?)
8. I have aspirations to be a super coupon-er (you know, the people who go buy stuff at the store and the store gives THEM money?)
9. I'm kind of a "green-freak"... I'm a recycling fanatic, and I'm always trying to find ways to throw away less and re-use more. This does NOT extend to diapers. If my child poops in something, I'm throwing it away.
10. Believe it or not, I consider myself an optimist. About most things. :)

If you're picture tagged and you're very bored, you're welcome to tag yourself with 10 random things too!

Fate

I think I've mentioned before that I am a big believer in fate. The miscarriages haven't really made me go to church any more often, but they've increased my belief in fate for some strange reason. I think maybe it's my need to feel that there was some reason, whatever it might be, for what happened. I'm not content to believe that it just happened and there's no purpose for it. If there is a God, I don't believe that he is the kind of being that would do something to cause so much heartache without a plan for the future.

I had an awesome conversation with my husband T on Sunday night. He was away in Montr.eal on a boys' weekend this weekend, and I had some alone time to think about the future and my next couple of cycles.

I've been torn. I knew that last cycle was my last chance to have a baby this year without risking a Christmas baby. I say "risking" because I love Christmas and I really go big with parties and presents and planning. It takes a lot of time. I always thought that for a kid it would be kind of yucky to have your birthday around Christmas. It seems like it could be a tough time to plan a party for a child as well, especially with people's crazy schedules around that time of year.

Well, I went and plugged my LMP into a due date predictor (using 3/24 because I didn't know when I would get AF because of the progesterone) and it spit back 12/28 at me. I know it's completely crazy, but it made me feel like, "Wow - AFTER Christmas... I could do that." I know I could still deliver on Christmas, or even New Year's Day. Due dates mean NOTHING. I have to say though, that the thought that I could deliver AFTER Christmas put things in a whole new perspective. It kind of changed my mind. (I'm not sure that will make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me...)

So anyway, I talked with my husband Sunday night (the awesome conversation) and I told him about the possible due date of the 28th, but mostly I talked about fate. I told him that I had a lot of time to think while he was gone, and that I came to the conclusion that fate should decide. We may not even get pregnant on this cycle, but if we do, that's what is supposed to happen. I had no idea what to expect because we rarely talk about such things. Instead of fighting me, instead of questioning, he looked at me with a look that almost made me cry... a look that told me that he GOT it. He understood exactly what I meant. He's catho.lic and I'm prot.estant, so we don't talk about religion much, but I could tell in that moment that together, we believe in the same thing. When it's time for us, we will be given what we need and what we deserve.

I'm feeling like a failure

It seems like a very long time since my last loss. I know that "two cycles" doesn't sound like much, but I had my last D&E on December 11th. That's three and a half months. An entire quarter of a year. I've only had ONE shot at getting pregnant since then, and somehow my body blew it.

I know that one failed cycle is nothing in the grand scheme of infertility. I know that ovulation predictors and LH surges are not a guarantee that I'll get pregnant. At the same time though, it sucks. The one thing I thought I had going for me was that I could get pregnant. I clearly wasn't good at STAYING pregnant the last couple go-rounds, but at least I could GET pregnant. But this time in spite of knowing exactly when I ovulated, and making sure that T's "men" were present and accounted for at the party, I have nothing to show for it.

I'm very private about my losses for now. A few very close friends knew we were trying this cycle, and when I had to tell them that the tests were negative, it made me feel like a loser. They knew that we hadn't had trouble getting pregnant before, so I feel like I set all of us up with a false sense of positivity, (no pun intended.)

I'm almost ashamed. I feel like I was too sure of my ability to get pregnant and now I have to take it back. "Just kidding. My body can't do that anymore, either." I don't want to lie to people, but a piece of me wants to not tell anyone if we try this cycle (we were contemplating skipping this cycle because of Christmas.) I'm afraid of the embarrassment again if they know that I know EXACTLY when I ovulated, but it still doesn't happen.

Maybe I won't feel this way in a couple of weeks, but right now that's the story. Of course, the crimson bitch just rode into town on the heels of the drop in progesterone in my system, so I'm feeling very PMS-y (odd isn't it, that it's actually DURING, but I still feel it?) Guess that could be why I feel this way too.

How effed up is this?

The doctor's office called and confirmed that I'm not pregnant, which I already assumed. That's not the fvcked up part.

When I got the call, there was the slightest bit of RELIEF because I thought to myself that it meant that at least for four more weeks or so, I don't have to worry about having a miscarriage.

What a jaded world... is this infertility world that we live in...

I just want to get this show on the road

I took another test this morning and got another negative. Then I got some red spotting later on as well. ON progesterone. (The nurse told me the progesterone would keep me from getting my period, although I had read a few things on the internet about that not always being the case.) Well, SOMEONE has to be the exception to the rule, right?

I called the doctor's office and asked if I could stop the progesterone today and not bother with the blood test because honestly, if I'm going to get my period, I'd rather just get it, you know? They told me to continue, but that I could come in for the blood test today instead of tomorrow. So after D wakes up from his nap, we'll troop off to the lab and do our duty.

By the way, I LOVE the fertility doctor's nurse (same office but different nurse than my regular OB's nurse.) She gets it. She totally gets it, and didn't make me feel like a nutcase for calling again. I actually told her that we might take a month off to avoid Chris.tmas but that I would like to have an appointment with the doctor to ask some questions, and she said that was totally fine.

So anyway, I'm not expecting to have anything interesting to report after the blood work, but I appreciate the support.

I didn't think I was pregnant

I don't feel pregnant. I'm taking this progesterone that's supposed to give me "fake pregnancy symptoms" and honestly, I got nothin'.

The blood test is on Friday, but I'm "supposed" to get my period today (were it not for the progesterone and late ovulation). T is leaving for a "boys' weekend" in Montre.al tomorrow so I was going to test tomorrow morning before he left, but I couldn't wait.

I think I kind of knew it was going to be negative, but I'm kind of disappointed anyway. I'm sort of wishing we'd tried last month even though the doctor said not to. Then we would have had a chance at an October baby. As things stand, we're looking at Christmas.

So I'm still going to take a test tomorrow, still going to take the baby aspirin and progesterone, still going to get the blood drawn on Friday just in case, but I don't think this is my month. And I'm sad. I'm sad in that "dull ache that only a baby can fix" way that we all know so well.


**EDIT** A friend sent this to me today. I'm not catholic, nor am I even all that religious, but it struck a chord with me, and I wanted to share it with the hope that it helps anyone else having a tough time.

St. Theresa's Prayer:
May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Easier said than done

You know when you're at the beginning of the two week wait? You go to websites that tell you when you'll have enough HCG in your system for a pee stick. You plan what day you're going to test. After all, you don't want to waste money on pee sticks. You feel like you're in complete control.

And then you wait.

And then the closer you get to the day you planned to test, the more you go back to those websites and fudge the numbers to see if maybe you could test a day or two early.

Or maybe that's just me. :) DAMN, the waiting part is hard!

Consuming my thoughts

Gallerygirl at Cheaper than therapy has been on a similar path to mine for the last few months. She's had two recent miscarriages and was in the two week wait with me for a few days...until she got her third positive on Saturday. Now she's started spotting, and is sure that she's miscarrying, and I'm just sick for her. I've been thinking about her all weekend and am hoping against hope that she is wrong. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Will next year be different?

I don't have much to say.

Today is my birthday. I had an awesome day with a good friend of mine. We got together at her house for a playdate with my son and her two boys, and then she made me lunch. I'm so, so lucky to have good friends like her.

She gave me a slice of cake with one candle to blow out, and I wished for the same thing I've wished on the last several "wishing" occasions - a healthy baby...

It made me think - just for a second - that I hope next year I get to wish for something really frivolous... with a baby in my arms.

Induction

How about a break from the mundane tales of my ovulation? What do you say, ladies?

Amy over at There's Hope is worried that she may have to be induced and I told her that I'd be happy to share my story if she was interested. I thought I'd post it here since there are a few other mommies-to-be who read my little blog (and you never know when the person getting the induction might be you!)

First off, I never planned to be induced. In fact, I didn't have a birth plan, but the two things I strongly wanted to avoid were induction and c-section. So it got to be the day before my due date. I had been two cm dilated for like, TWO WEEKS. (Doctor saying, "the baby will come ANY TIME now.") At that appointment, I was FOUR cm dilated. Baby D was still seemingly not interested in taking a trip towards the light. My blood pressure was up (bordering on "pretty high"), I was kind of uncomfortable, and when I asked the doctor what she would do if she were in my situation, she said, "I would be induced." And so it was, that I set out to be induced.

As it turned out, the hospital had an influx of women actually IN labor, so they pushed off my induction until the day after my due date. I went in as scheduled at noon, and was finally hooked up to an IV by about 1:30 pm. At that point I was still about four cm dilated and 80 or 90% effaced. I was not given anything to ripen my cervix since I was already beginning to dilate. I was put on a slow pitocin drip and made very little progress for several hours. They upped the pitocin, and for a little while D's heart rate began to slow with every contraction. The nurses began to suggest that if that continued, I may need a c-section. They slowed the pit, gave my some oxygen (to get more oxygen to D) and D's heart rate steadied. I began to make progress by the evening and by about 9:00 pm, I was fully dilated and ready to push. D was born at about 9:45 pm. I did have an epidural at eight cm dilated, but all in all, the entire process was not as painful as I expected it might be.

I've oversimplified the story a little, but I have a few extra points to help you "interpret" my story, if you will.

1. I was already well dilated and effaced when I began, which probably makes a difference in time and pain.
2. The drop in D's heart rate was probably due to cord compression with each contraction. This was probably NOT related to the induction.
3. I think I have a fairly high pain tolerance.
4. I would not hesitate to be induced again in the future if it was recommended for me.
5. I gave birth at an AWESOME hospital in Boston and had complete faith in the doctors and nurses and their decision-making.

What I've learned:
1. You can't really "plan" birth.
2. Whatever road leads to a healthy, live baby is the best road to take.

Dark blue line

Oh yeah, baby... "The surge" finally decided to join us this morning. (And I can see now that there's no way to really mix up this line and the ones I had the other day. No comparison.)

So my new question is... If I'm ovulating like 4 days late, when can I test?? Anyone know if this just means my luteal phase will be shorter or if it means I wouldn't get a positive until later than I expect?

Gots me some follicles!

Okay, so this wasn't precisely how I was expecting things to go. I really don't want to mess up and start the progesterone and baby aspirin too late, so I'm concerned about when I ovulate. I took your advice and called the doctor yesterday (day 15) and said that the OPK wasn't positive yet. They confirmed the date of my LMP and confirmed that my schedule is usually around 28 days (it is) and said, "can you come in for an ultrasound?" Hells yeah, I can! (Nothing I like better than the ultrasound wand (a.k.a. dildo-cam). The fact that they put all that KY sh*t and the condom on it really is the cherry on top, isn't it?

So they checked my follicles and I have one that's 23mm, so the ultrasound tech said "you'll probably ovulate any minute." But I haven't yet. That means two things: 1. T is a walking around with a friggin' perma-grin on his face, because this is the most s.ex he's had in a long while and 2. I have to go back to Tar.get to buy more of those blasted OPKs. (Thanks again to everyone for your input about the OPKs since I really still don't know what I'm doing.)

So I'll just be here, peeing on more sticks, waiting for my test line to be DARKER than my control line. (Oh, and I've had to start taking the test first thing when I get up, which my doctor okayed, because drinking coffee, a diuretic, at 7:30 am and then waiting 4 hours to pee do NOT mix.)

One more thing to be unsure about

Okay, so the OPK thing... THEY SUCK. Mostly because I'm totally unsure about whether I had my surge. My schedule is slightly wacky, so I may ovulate tomorrow or Thursday, but I should have a positive OPK by now, right?? So HOW dark does the line get?? I know they're not like HPTs where "any positive is a positive" but here's the thing. I was getting a faint line, and then today NO line to speak of. So do you think I already had the surge? Because I know how much you all like pictures, I took some. (Of course, the Monday one is old, and I know you're not supposed to read them after like 10 minutes, so I guess there's no way to compare.)

Yaya is concerned that hubby and I might miss my ovulation by relying on the OPK and not doing the nasty enough. Well, I'll put your mind at ease by letting you all know that when mama's trying to make a baby, she does NOT miss her opportunity. Haha. Poor T is going to be all tuckered out by the end of the week. I really just need the OPK to tell me when to call the doctor so they can start me on Progesterone on the right day. So do I call the doctor? Should I wait until tomorrow to see what it looks like then??