Summing up

It's been so long since I posted here last that it's kind of hard to even sum up what's going on. E is now almost 5 months old, and is a sweet and happy baby. She's been sleeping through the night For. Ev. Er. Bless her little heart. I really can't believe how lucky we are in that department. I feel like a normal person because I get to sleep a full night almost every night. (She's had a cold for a while so it's been a little harder, but still pretty good.)

D is enjoying pre-school, but there are still days when he resists going. (Once he's there and I'm gone, he's fine.) He's still in a very challenging place as far as his obstinacy goes. He's three after all... It is nice to know that his friends are going through it too, and I can compare notes with other moms who are in the same boat.

Unfortunately, our insurance is changing next year, and my therapist doesn't take our new insurance which totally sucks. However, I feel like she's given me a lot of good tools to use in the year that I've been seeing her. She also suggested a book called "How. to tal.k so kids will li.sten and lis.ten so kids will ta.lk." Parts of it have been a little too touchy feely for me, but I'm hoping to use it not only to help my dealings with D, but also in my other relationships as well. The overall message is to treat all others, including cildren, with respect and regard for how they're feeling. We could all benefit from a little more respect in our lives.

There are a few other things going on, but this post is starting to go all over the place when I try to expand it so I'm going to stop here. Hopefully I'll post again before Christmas, but if not, I wish you a holiday filled with good friends, family and cheer, and all the very best for wonderful blessings in the new year.

One quarter of a year

Hard to believe, but E turned three months old last week. As you can tell from my lack of posts, life is very busy.

Some things I don't want to forget about this time in her life:
The little coos that she makes when she's trying to "talk"
The first giggles that we've heard from her in the past few weeks
The way she looks adoringly at her brother when he's anywhere near her
The way she looks when she's sleeping
The little "squee, squee, squee" noise that keeps us awake when she's sucking on her hand in the middle of the night

Everything about having another baby is wonderful. I don't know if it's because we are more experienced now, or if it's just because she's a more laid-back baby, (which she most definitely is) but I feel like life is very normal right now. I remember when D was a baby that it took somewhere in the neighborhood of a YEAR for me to feel like life was normal again. The difference though, is that this time around, I was already used to caring for someone other than myself. I was already used to having to work my trips to the store around feedings and naps. I was already a mommy.

I finished breastfeeding about 2 weeks ago, and although it was a very emotional time, I'm doing fine now (though I still wish I could go back and do it all over.) In the end, if I'm able to get the Lasik surgery in December, it will have been the right decision, and I'll be able to look back on it without (much) regret.

In the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about whether this is "it" for us in the child-bearing department. When E was a couple of weeks old, I was sure that we were done. I was exhausted, I was emotional, and I remember telling myself to stop and remember the feeling of that moment if I ever felt like I wanted another one.

But the thing is...

That emotion and exhaustion fades, and all I can see now is my beautiful daughter's face, and think to myself that I want this again. I want the feeling of complete and utter love that comes with all of the firsts; first smile, first giggle, first time on a tricycle, first day of preschool... No, I don't want it right now, but maybe someday.

What I've said to my husband (who thinks I'm crazy to think that we can afford a third!) is that I'm not SURE that I want another one, I'm just sure that I'm NOT sure I'm done. So I guess for now, that will have to be good enough.

Winding down

A long while ago, I posted about not being able to get Lasik surgery while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

The time has come.

We have money put aside in an FSA (tax free flexible spending account) and it has to be used by the end of this year. I can't just "wait until next year." Because of all the changes in healthcare, FSA money can no longer be used on Lasik surgery as of January. That means that if I want to pay for at least part of my surgery with tax free money, it has to be done by December 31st. And I have to stop breastfeeding two months before the consultation. That means I basically have to stop breastfeeding now in order to have the consultation mid-December, and the surgery at the end of December.

After all that I've gone through with trying to up my milk supply, I started to wean a couple of weeks ago. I stopped the Fenugreek. I stopped the Brewer's yeast/beer. I'm tapering off the Reglan. I dropped pumping from 6 times per day to 3 times per day, to 1 time per day. Today, I pumped in the morning, and will attempt to make it overnight tonight and then let E feed first thing tomorrow morning. My supply is dwindling. If I had ever been able to produce more than two or three bottles a day, I think the decision would have been harder, but I knew I was never going to be able to feed her breastmilk exclusively.

So I have to tell you that after all this shit, and how much I HATED breastfeeding, when I think about the fact that this is really the end, all I want to do is cry. Who knew that I would be so emotional about it? WTF? The first month, I wanted to stop EVERY. DAY. And now that I'm really stopping, I don't want to. I'll feel myself tearing up just thinking about it, and all I can do is laugh at myself for being such a schizo.

The only consolation I have is that I feel like I really did it. I know how to do it now. E knows how to do it. Those mornings when my supply is good and E is getting plenty of milk and is content, I actually like it. I never thought I would say that. I guess that's why it's just so damn hard to give it up...

(Oh, and by the way, we're all doing pretty well other than that.) ;)

Full Circle

I wrote my first blog entry on Wednesday, September 17, 2008. I had just had my first miscarriage. It seems like it was so much longer ago than that. I re-read that post, and it seems like those feelings and that sadness happened longer ago than just two years.

Life is fast these days. There's a lot going on in this house with a husband, a cat, a two-month old and a three year old. Let's just say that trying to get my s**t together in time to get D to preschool by 9 am is not easy. Before I leave, I get myself showered and dressed, get D fed and dressed, E fed and dressed, make coffee for myself and attempt to find time to shove some food into my system, and I pump twice. I realize I don't really have to be showered to drop him off, but so far that's my goal.

Preschool has had a rocky start. D didn't cry when I dropped him off the first day, but cried multiple times that day after I left. Then the next two days, he cried bloody murder when I dropped him off, but didn't cry after that. On the bright side, he did NOT have to be potty trained, so that's one battle I don't have to fight. I *think* he's starting to like it better, so hopefully drop-off won't continue to be a battle.

This life is not always easy, but it's amazingly rewarding to look at my family and know how much love there is in this house. I wish I could go back to the me of my very first blog post and tell her that the road would be rocky, but it would all turn out okay.

Thank you all for telling me not to sweat the small stuff so much. In the end, it doesn't matter how long I breastfeed (which I'm still trying to do because I guess I'm a masochist.) It doesn't matter that my house isn't "company ready" at all times. It doesn't matter if I yell at D more than I would like, because at the end of the day, he knows that he's safe here, and he knows that I love him.

Full circle. From devastating loss to overwhelming love. I am so lucky.

Doctor's orders

Well, not exactly a REAL doctor's orders, but Dr. Google, anyway. Dr. Google tells me that I should try having a beer every day to increase my milk supply. Now THAT's advice that I can get behind! ;) Alternatively, I can use brewer's yeast. But really, isn't the beer more fun??

In all seriousness, I really did read that from several people, and since I'm not going to be in the mood for a beer every day for the next however long, I think I'll look for some brewer's yeast. And I might look for some of that reportedly nasty tasting Mother's milk tea to try. And maybe some blessed thistle, which I've read you're supposed to take with the Fenugreek. (Still taking 15 pills a day and STILL don't smell like maple syrup.)

So as you may have guessed, I'm still obsessing over breastfeeding.

I always said from the beginning that I would never change my diet to accommodate breastfeeding (if there was a problem, I would just formula feed.) Now I find myself wondering if caffeine or chocolate might be affecting E's tummy and whether I should try to cut down on my consumption of those things and see if it helps her to stop crying while I feed her.

I'm also trying to hold her in a more upright position when she eats by propping her up with my bent leg to see if that will help. Sometimes it help, sometimes not. I've noticed that sometimes she smells a little pukey even if she hasn't spit up, which makes me wonder if she has reflux after all.

Thank you all for your awesome comments on my last post. You're the best.

The fight continues. ;)

Maybe just a little longer

Fair warning... This is a "poor me" post, and I know that, so if you can't handle it, feel free to skip it.

I bought two more bottles of Fenugreek. They were buy one get one 50% off, so I kind of HAD to. (I'm a sucker for a good deal.) Honestly, I STILL don't smell like maple syrup, and I haven't noticed any difference in production really, but I keep hoping it might miraculously start to help.

After writing my last post I realized that I just wasn't ready to give up on nursing yet. I know a lot of it is hormone related, but I feel like a failure in so many ways these days that I just wasn't willing to be a failure at nursing so soon.

See, I feel like I'm failing my son. I'm not getting as much sleep as I need, so my temper is short. I feel like I yell at him all the time. He's SUCH a cheerful and good kid, and I sometimes feel like I'm expecting way too much from him. I'm completely stressed out because he's starting pre-school next week, and I think he's supposed to be in Pull-ups at least, and he hasn't even STARTED potty training. He's a smart kid, and I think he's mentally ready for it, but he's made a conscious decision to just say "Forget it. It's easier to poop in my diaper." I've been VERY laid back about potty training so far, offering the potty often, but waiting for him to take the lead. Honestly, I'm ready to stop changing his diapers. So ready. I mean, REALLY now. And I'm so worried that the pre-school will be like, "nope, he can't come until he's potty trained."

It also stresses me out when he doesn't take a nap, because see, I still need his nap time. I need some time without him. He is a chatterbox, which is endearing, but also starts to become endless after hearing hours and hours of the same things. He is also THREE as I may have mentioned before. Forget the terrible twos. Three is MUCH harder.

I just can't seem to get myself to relax and be a laid back mommy. Is it really that important for him to be eating with a fork and spoon consistently rather than his hands? Most of what he eats is finger food anyway. Is it really that big a deal that I have to prompt him to say "please" a lot of the time? I've had other Moms go out of their way to tell me that when he's at their houses, he's SO polite. It's just with me that he pushes the limits. I had more tolerance for repeating these things (i.e. "What do we say when we ask for something?") before E was born, but now that it seems like he's just not making any effort to change these things, it's really starting to wear on me, and I too often see a side of myself that I'm not proud of when I'm dealing with him.

I also used to be really good about making sure that D had a veggie with every meal. Lately he's been on a peanut butter kick. There have been days when he's had a bagel with peanut butter for breakfast, a piece of bread with peanut butter for lunch and pasta for dinner (plus some fruit thrown in during the day.) Again, I feel like I'm failing him in terms of nutrition.

Oh, and D needs a haircut too. Another failure. A good mother would find time / be brave enough to go with two children to get his hair cut. (Or she would be able to cut it herself without making it look like she cut it herself.)

I also look at my house and notice the dust under the sofas, and think about how I'm failing as a stay at home wife. Really, how hard is it to grab the Swiffer and clean under there?

And then there's my body image. After I had E, I lost all but 5 pounds of my baby weight in the first week, but now I've gained about 5 pounds back. Another failure. I'm nursing - isn't that the magic post partum diet?? I feel ugly and uncomfortable, and I can't comfortably wear most of my clothes anyway, because they're too cumbersome when I'm trying to breastfeed. I know when my snacking is emotional rather than hunger related, but I'm just not having an easy time saying no.

Then there's the breastfeeding. We're six weeks in as of yesterday. My nipples are much less sore than they were. E is a much better latcher than she was, but she's still a lazy nurser most of the time. I've been nursing her all day - all but one or two pumping sessions, and giving her formula at night to hopefully get her to sleep longer. I was feeling a little more relaxed with nursing for a while, but now I'm back to being stressed a lot of the time because E is yanking on my nipple and crying during her feedings. I'm guessing that it's a result of it being harder to get milk out of me than out of a bottle (in addition to the supply issue - that she's probably not getting much.) It's feeling like a cycle that I can't seem to break out of - She needs to nurse more so that my supply will go up, but she gets so frustrated trying to get the milk out that she doesn't want to nurse at all. But I'm still not ready to give up, and I'm just finding myself getting angrier (not sure if that's the right word - mayber sadder is really the word) that everything I'm doing just isn't making it work. Man do I wish she could talk...

I know, I know, I know it has a lot to do with hormones. I really do. I just wish I could convince myself that other moms yell at their kids about things that probably don't matter. That he won't need therapy when he's 18 because of being told, "D, don't touch that!" 8,000 times a day. That I'll be okay if I stop nursing, and I won't have a horrible ache inside for months, and tons of regret that I didn't try just a little harder. That I shouldn't compare myself to other nursing moms (nor allow myself to feel judged by them for my failures) because everyone's situation is different. That I'm not a failure as a human being just because my house isn't spotless. That I'm not a failure as a human being because I gained weight after losing it. That all these things will resolve themselves on their own once the stress level in my house decreases.

Yeah, if I could just believe those things, I guess life would be just about perfect.


(**On the bright side of things, E is thriving. At her one month appointment, she was two pounds heavier than her birth weight. She's generally a happy and content baby. She mostly cries when she needs something, and not just for the heck of it. She's smiling more consistently, and getting stronger all the time. She's very good at holding her head up, and her legs are very strong too. In spite of my feelings of failure, D seems to still be a happy kiddo even though he has to share the spotlight now. He has moments of sibling rivalry, but mostly I think we're doing a good job of giving him enough attention.)

Busy, busy, busy. Yes, that's life with a three year old and a four week old. And the thing is, it's not busy like, "I got so much accomplished today." It's busy like, "I didn't have a moment to myself, and I'm psyched that I got to take a shower today!" But I knew that would be what it's like. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

The truth is, so far, life with two kiddos isn't as overwhelming as I expected it to be. E is a pretty good baby, and she sleeps well most nights, so my tolerance level is higher than when I just had D (as an infant) and I was getting very little sleep (oh yeah, AND trying to close on our house, pack, and move.) D is still being three, which is challenging, but he adores E which helps a lot. He also has moments when he is such a doll that it almost makes me cry, and that helps too.

The thing that has been pretty much dominating my life for the past month is trying to get this breastfeeding thing to work. And it's not. It's just not. The lactation consultant asked me how much Fenugreek I'm taking (4 pills, 3 times a day), how much water I'm drinking (plenty) and how much I'm feeding and pumping (feeding at least twice a day, and pumping every 2-3 hours during the day, which amounts to about 4-5 times in addition to the two feedings.) She asked how much milk I was getting after going overnight without feeding or pumping. When I told her how much (well, how little, really) I was getting, she said, "honestly, for the amount of work that you're putting into it, and for how much milk you're getting out of it, I think I would probably say screw it." Love her. She is EXACTLY the type of lactation consultant I needed. She gave me the tools, and gave me suggestions on how to increase supply. When I did everything that was asked and it still didn't help, she gave me permission to call it a day.

I'm going to continue feeding and pumping as often as possible until the Fenugreek is gone. After it's gone, I'm going to continue to feed and pump as much as I feel like it until I lose what little production I have. And then I'm going to give up.

I wish I could say that I'm at peace with it, but the truth is I'm heartbroken. I feel like I've failed, and like if I had done things differently at the beginning, maybe I would have been able to produce more milk. And I feel like probably if I was willing to let E nurse whenever she feels like it and deal with more excruciating pain that I could probably increase my production even now. But maybe that wouldn't even work, and then I would be left in excruciating pain with no more milk than I had before.

I know in the grand scheme of things, feeding formula is very minor, and after all, E will be getting more than a month of breastmilk, which is way more than D got. I think part of me is grieving though. This may very well be my last child. I may never have the chance to try breastfeeding again, and I'm struggling with the idea of closing that door before I'm ready, because once it's closed, I can't open it back up.

Loving it (mostly)

These first two plus weeks have flown by. We are totally in love with E. Even though we know they're not "real" smiles, we love it when she gives those little gas bubble smiles, because it gives us a sneak preview of what her real smiles will look like. :)

The good stuff: So far, E is a pretty champion sleeper. We're praying that she keeps it up. She only wakes up once or twice per night, and *usually* goes back to sleep after eating. She makes up for it on the occasional night when she wakes up to eat and decides that it's a good time to stay awake for 2 1/2 hours or so. Luckily, there are more "good sleep" nights than bad. So far, she's been a pretty laid back baby. I guess she may pick up on my signals, since I'm much more relaxed this time around too than I was with D. Speaking of D, he loves his sister. He makes a point of kissing her before he goes to bed, and whenever he talks about our family now, he includes her. For example, he'll say, "Mommy and Daddy and D and E are sitting on the couch together." He's really very sweet with her.

Another "good" thing is that so far, I'm not feeling any post partum depression symptoms like I experienced with D. Again, the fact that my life is so much less stressful now than it was when D was born, plus the fact that I'm getting some sleep at night could be major contributors to keeping the PPD at bay. Long may it wave...

My husband is completely taken with this baby. He said the other day, "I just can't help calling her 'sweetheart' and 'darlin.' It just comes out!" Adorable.

The rough stuff: I do not love nursing. Truth be told, I don't even like nursing. Not even a little. It effing HURTS. I don't feel like I have any more of a special bond with E because of nursing than I did with D. I've seen a lactation consultant several times. She has watched E's latch, and tells me that E is a "muncher" rather than a "sucker" so she basically bites my nipple a few times until there is enough milk in her mouth, and then swallows. In case you're wondering, this does not feel good. We've talked about how much milk I get when I pump, and it's very clear that I'm not producing as much as E needs. Thus, I'm nursing, pumping, and supplementing with formula. I've decided that I can only do as much as I can do. Any breast milk she gets is better than no breast milk, and I'll continue to nurse her at least a couple of times a day (in addition to pumping) so that I leave the door open in case my supply increases drastically or I decide that I want to give it a more enthusiastic try once I'm feeling more like myself. I know that it's a supply and demand thing, so if I wanted to spend my life on the couch nursing or pumping every hour, I could probably increase my supply, but honestly, with a three year old around, that's just not an option. I'll be starting fenugreek this weekend to see if that will help.

And by the way, did any of you hear about what Giselle (Model/rocket scientist) said about nursing recently? That it should be International LAW for the first six months of a baby's life. For real. Giselle, I'm so happy for you that you had an easy time nursing your only child. Now if you could just keep your opinions and judgments away from my boobs, and maybe think about the fact that it's not that easy for everyone, that would be awesome. Thanks.

Also in the category of rough stuff, D is giving us a run for our money. My sweet little boy is suddenly a champion whiner, and the epitome of a drama king. Every little injury elicits fake dramatic crying sessions, and 15-20 subsequent minutes of making up things to whine about. On the plus side, he's still napping most days, so I guess I should count my blessings about that! I think about 75% of the new attitude is just being 3, but the other 25% is probably related to the baby. It's hard not to feel guilty when you can tell that he's feeling like second fiddle when I'm paying attention to E. I know that it will pass, but I'm hoping it passes sooner than later!

The Story

It's been over a week now, and things are still very hectic around here, but I'm finally sitting down to write out E's birth story.

I was scheduled for my induction on Wednesday, the 21st. My mom came to stay with us overnight on the 20th because we had to be at the hospital at 5:45 in the morning. On the night of the 20th, I had some bloody show, and started having contractions. They were slightly painful, and were fairly close together (3-7 mins apart), but I knew that they weren't nearly painful enough to be the real thing. I was super excited, because it was like E was telling me that induction or no induction, she was ready to come out. The contractions continued for part of the night, but I was able to get a little sleep. By the time we got up in the morning, the contractions had stopped.

We arrived at the hospital and got started on the pitocin around 6:20 a.m. My cerivx was at about 2, so the contractions from the night before had made about .5 to 1cm change in my cervix since I had been checked the day before and I was 1 to 1.5. My contractions started fairly soon after the pitocin was administered, and the nurses turned the pitocin drip up every 15 minutes until my doctor arrived about 8:30. When he arrived, he checked my cervix again and broke my water. E was still at -3 station (her head was still high in my pelvis) so that check hurt SO much. (Picture the doctor with his arm up to the elbow in my hoo-hoo trying to feel her head at -3 station.) I seriously think that was the most painful part of the entire labor because it was before my epidural.

When they broke my water, they found that there was a little meconium in the fluid, so they told me that there would be a neonatoligist present during the birth to check E out right away and to try to avoid having her suck the fluid into her lungs when she was delivered. I was disappointed to have even a small complication like that, but all things considered, it could have been worse.

After my water was broken, the nurse called for the epidural, and while I waited I had some pretty intense contractions for maybe 15 -30 minutes before the epidural was in place. After that, I still had some low abdominal cramping on the left side with each contraction, but the epidural greatly decreased my discomfort. (God bless the anesthesiologist. Amen.)

At around 10:30 my doctor called in to ask the nurse to check my cervix. I could tell that she was skeptical that I would have made much progress in just two hours, but was surprised to find that I was almost fully dilated with only a lip of cervix left. She told me to wait until I had the urge to push, and then call her.

I was worried about calling too early, so I waited until I was feeling a lot of pain and pressure (even through the epidural) with each contraction. That was about 10:45. They called my doctor (whose office is only about 10 minutes from the hospital) and he showed up soon after. As soon as he was set up (literally about 2 minutes after he walked in the door) he told me to push whenever I was ready.

With the next contraction, I pushed about 5 times in a row over a period of 2-3 minutes. At the end of the fifth push, I could feel the head, and the doctor told me to stop pushing. She came out and the doctor put her on my chest briefly before sending her to be checked by the neonatologist. I looked at T and basically said, "Did that just really happen??" I couldn't believe it was so fast. (I pushed for 45 minutes with D.)

The doctor did an episiotome, so he had to stitch me up afterwards. He was humming to himself as he was sewing, and the look on T's face was priceless as he watched how nonchlantly the doc was doing the job. (T is not a blood and guts guy at all. He didn't even look at the head this time. I think D's birth was enough of a memory for him. Haha.)

The neonatologist's check went smoothly, and we've been enjoying our new little bundle ever since. I'll updte with some more "first week" stuff soon, but for now, this is all there's time for. Thank you all again for all of your wonderful comments. It's so amazing to be able share good news within a community where there is so much support.

She's here!

Just a quick update and then I need to take a shower! :)

E was born at 11:17 am yesterday. She is (only) 7 lbs. 10 oz. (!) and 20.5 inches long. She's beautiful and perfect, and we're totally in love. :)

More to come later...

(Update: Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments. Now that you've had a chance to "meet" her, I removed her name, and any comments that mentioned her name, just to keep things fairly anonymous, but I appreciate all the comments nonetheless!) :)

Dropping?

First, doesn't it seem like the pregnancy tickers should continue after your due date? I mean, I'm by no means the only person to pass their due date, and it seems like I should get some credit for it. It should say something like, "Mommy is ready to kick me out, but I really like it in here, and I'm staying!" Don'cha think??

But I digress...

Baby girl was doing some major gymnastics last night, but she seems to have settled down a lot today (to the point where I pulled out the doppler before my appointment just to make sure...) I also think that she may have FINALLY started to "drop." I feel much fuller in my abdomen than I have for the entire pregnancy. In other good news, my cervix has (again, finally) decided to start to open for business. At my ultrasound this morning, it was much shorter, and when the doctor checked me he said that I'm 1-1.5 cm dilated. THANK GOODNESS. She's finally getting the message that she is being evicted. My blood pressure was 126/80, so amazingly enough, we seem to have made it through the whole pregnancy this time with no BP issues. Yay.

The plan is to show up tomorrow morning before 6 am at the hospital and get things moving. I guess there is apparently some minuscule chance that the doctor might deem her "not ready" (i.e. not far enough down and in position) for induction, but I'm focusing on positive thinking and expecting that the next time I post here, it will be to tell you that she has arrived.

No sharing birthdays...

Well, here we are at the other side of the weekend, and no baby yet. We made it safely through D's birthday yesterday without adding another member to the family. Babywise, the only thing of note is that the skin of my stomach feels SO stretched right now. OW. If this baby really is going to weigh in at 8 1/2 pounds, that might explain it!

I don't talk about D much on here, but in honor of his birthday I have to say that I'm just amazed that he's three and he's such a little person. It's incredible to watch them grow up. Yesterday T asked D what he wanted for his birthday breakfast. D's response? "Cake."

Oh yes, he really is one of us.

Still waiting to hatch

Happy due date to me.

The non-stress test was uneventful today. Baby is looking like a rock star and my blood pressure was fine.

Ladies, I think I may very well be getting induced next Wednesday as scheduled. I'll keep you updated.

That is all.

How this mama prepares for labor

One of my good friends got a pedicure a few days before her c-section a few years ago. I thought to myself, "BRILLIANT!" and vowed to do the same when I got towards the end of my pregnancy. I took a gamble and scheduled a haircut, highlights, and brow wax for last Friday, and a pedicure for last Saturday. Now mama has her hair 'did, and her toes 'did, and her brows un-bush-ified, and she's ready to party! (And I managed to not go into labor before those appointments!!)

Thanks to everyone who commented about my last post. So far, ignoring the e-mail altogether has worked... And my MIL actually has D for the whole day today so that I can get some things done. She really does have her good points... :)

I just got back from my 39 and 4 days appointment. Cervix is STILL long and closed. OY. My blood pressure was a tad bit high today (130-something over 80). The doctor is sending me for a non-stress test on Friday, and then I'm scheduled for another appointment next Tues (40 and 4) AND scheduled for an induction on Wednesday if the little one hasn't thrust me into spontaneous labor by then. I really didn't want to pass my due date, but I feel better knowing that I'll have an NST on Friday. They also made sure during the u/s today that my fluid is still fine and the placenta looks good too. Oh, and she's measuring 8 lbs. 1 oz. right now, so if that's right, she's gonna be a bigger babe than my little guy, who was only 7 lbs. 8 oz. at birth.

I have been having some Braxton Hicks contractions, so I'm kind of hoping they might turn into the real thing... My doctor is not on call this weekend, and my son's birthday is on Sunday, so if I was a betting woman, I would put money down that I'll end up having her Sunday, just because that's the one day I'd kind of like to avoid if I can. Time will tell.

Here's today's belly shot. Hopefully this is about as big as the belly will get. More stretch marks this time than with D, and I'm ready to stop growing!

Not all peaches and cream

The business end: Yesterday's appointment was great. The baby is doing great, and doesn't look like she has any intention of coming out any time soon. (Cervix is still over 3 cm long and closed.) My blood pressure was 120/70 (even though I had way too much salty food this weekend at D's birthday party!)

Okay, so now that that's out of the way, I have to take a moment to talk about my MIL. I usually don't because you just never know who might be reading, but... OY. She ADORES my hubby, and my son. Those things are very important to me. (And she's nice to me most of the time too, but gets VERY irritated/sulky/huffy when she doesn't get her way.) Most of the time she means well, but SHE NEEDS A HOBBY. She has way too much time to think about other people's lives and about what they should be doing/what they're doing wrong. She gets things into her head and can't let go of them. As just one example, she's been asking about where the baby will sleep practically since I announced my pregnancy. We have a 3 bedroom, and we're planning to eventually have D and the baby share a room so we can keep our guest room. This doesn't seem to be the answer she wants since she keeps asking the same question over and over thinking the answer might change.

She also has it in her mind that she wants to have some sort of party at her house (in our honor) after the baby is born. She was calling it a baby shower, but I told her I really don't want another baby shower. I already had one for D, and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to bring gifts. She backed off of the "shower" idea and said she would "make it clear in the invitation that gifts were not expected." This would be okay, but she wants to invite all of my family (extended included) as well as her own to "meet the baby." Ummmm... My family will already have met the baby... I'm not really sure why this is necessary. Why not just invite YOUR family? And in case you're thinking "what's the big deal? She's just excited, and wants to honor you." I KNOW. It makes me feel terrible that I am so ANTI party, but here's the thing. She is envisioning something in Mid August beginning with a brunch, then golfing for any of the guys who want to go (5 hours minimum) and then a BBQ in the afternoon. So we're talking about something in the realm of NINE hours. So I'm already stressed out about the idea of handling two kids, while trying to breastfeed one of them, having been unsuccessful at breastfeeding the first. The LAST thing that I want to do is spend NINE or more hours away from the comfort of my own house with a one month old. I was really hoping that she would drop it, (sometimes she does that) but it seems like she's really gung ho about this one. She asked me for about the third time to come up with a list of people I want to invite (including phone numbers and addresses) before things get more hectic.

I talked to my therapist about the whole situation, and she suggested that I tell her that I just couldn't think about it now, but my MIL is VERY sensitive, and I just don't want to cause waves before the baby is born. I'm hoping I can just ignore her e-mail and let it die for now. Blah.

So close

I can't believe that in about two weeks, I'll be giving birth again. 38 weeks tomorrow, and still feeling good. I have found that I have to be realllllly careful about not drinking too late at night (as in, no big glasses of any liquid after about 6:30) so that I don't wake up to pee. I had another night when I was awake for over an hour after getting up to pee, and I don't want a repeat performance of that. It would be one thing if I could sleep in, but with an almost-three-year-old who wakes up around 6:15, that's not an option!

My appointment and U/S was great this week. Baby's size jumped back up into the 63rd percentile, and they're estimating that she weighs about 7lbs. 5oz. now. HOLY MOLY. Hope she doesn't gain a pound a week for the next two weeks! EEK! My blood pressure was 120/80, so I have high hopes that maybe all of our planning for high blood pressure this time might have been unwarranted. That would be awesome! So far, my cervix is still long and closed. I had a few Braxton Hicks contractions yesterday that weren't painful, but I've had some shooting pains in the nether-regions and down my legs which are indicative of the baby hitting nerves as she gets her head more into position.

The doctor mentioned that if I don't go into labor on my own by my 39 week appointment, "we'll talk about what to do." I'm taking that to mean that he's open to an induction rather than letting me go past my due date. Because of my high anxiety with regard to passing my due date, I'm happy to be induced, particularly since I've done it before and had a good experience.

This weekend, we're celebrating D's 3rd birthday with close family on the 4th of July. His birthday isn't until the 18th, but I'll probably be a little busy then, and we decided that it would be good to get it in before the baby is born! (Hard to believe that he's going to be 3!)

We've finally narrowed down our baby name choices to two definites and one probable contender. I feel very strongly that I need to see her before we name her, so we won't make the final decision until B-day.

Guess that's pretty much it for now.

OH, I almost forgot. For those ladies in the home stretch of their pregnancies, you should check out ContractionMaster.com which is a free website on which you can time your contractions with your computer. It looks awesome, and I'm definitely going to use it if I go into labor spontaneously.

The list

Still chipping away at the list. FINALLY sent in my check and request for official copies of D's birth certificate. (We have the one that they gave us in the hospital, but that's it.) Yes, he will be THREE in July. I know. So that's done.

Paid off T's car this week. :) I'm super-duper into money management and not overspending/ living within our means. This step makes me so happy. When we got married, T had lots of debt, which I fixed within a couple of year's time. We now have only T's school loan from his Master's degree and our mortgage left. That's it. SO excited.

Called our cable/phone/internet company and told them that having my bill go up $75 in three years (without adding anything) wasn't going to work for me. Removed one tier of special channels (like Discovery Health which I LOVE for the blood and guts shows, along with some free movie channels) and our bill dropped by almost FORTY dollars! She said she moved us into a new "bundle" which gave us discounts on our other services. This call has been on my mental list for about a year and a half. I've been putting it off because I'll miss those channels, but only every once in a while. Procrastinate much?

Baby update:

Had an u/s yesterday and she's still vertex. Yay! My blood pressure was 112/80, which is still okay. In my pregnancy with D, 36 weeks was when my BP started to climb at the end, so I'm excited to make it through another appointment with no major rise. My ankles are a tiny bit swollen, but my pee-in-a-cup was still protein free, so we're good for now!

I can't complain too much about how I'm feeling now. I have a long torso, so I'm still pretty comfotable most of the time. HOWEVER. Sleep is getting much more difficult. I have to get up to pee around 2:30 every night, which is no big deal, but I'm having a lot of trouble falling back asleep after that. About 4 of the last 5 nights, I've been unable to fall back to sleep for like TWO HOURS after I get up. :( Then T wakes up for work 30-45 minutes after I fall asleep, and D wakes up to begin his (ummm... make that our) day a short while after that. That is no fun.

Nesting

Is it really nesting? Let me tell you, I've been on a rampage. I made a list of all of the crap that I have been meaning to do for the last, oh.... I don't know... two or three years, and I've been chipping away at it, slowly but surely. In addition to big projects, the list actually includes little cleaning projects that I know won't get done after the baby is born, stocking up on diapers when there are sales, washing and folding lots of hand-me-down baby girl clothes, as well as preparing and freezing food for easy meals after she's born. It's very gratifying, but at the same time I feel overwhelmed at the number of things still on the list vs. the number of weeks left in this pregnancy! (It's only about 3 1/2 for those who are keeping score. Eek!)

In addition to projects, (or maybe as a result of projects) I've been spending money like it's water. Now, if you know me, you'll know that I'm usually very frugal. I'm officially a coupon queen (something I was striving for about a year ago, as some of you may remember.) I know the spending won't make me feel good when I get our credit card bill (though we pay it off every month), but right now it somehow makes me feel more prepared for the baby.

When I was out with D today, though, I was thinking about how easy he is now. Strike that. Two is NEVER easy, but SO much easier than an infant. I am so far removed from infant that I am almost letting myself believe that maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll feel more able to pack the kids up and go grocery shopping or to Targ.et. When D was a baby, those things seemed like huge ordeals. I guess a part of me is hoping that if I feel like my house is in order when the baby is born, then I'll have an easier time doing other things that make me feel like a human being (like getting out and about to get the good deals with my coupons!) I'm sure the reality will be rough, but for now, I'm gonna keep chipping at this list, and hope for the best.

EDIT: I just read this and realized that it kind of sounds like I'm more worried than excited about this baby. Trust me when I tell you that I'm MUCH more excited than worried. I just tend to use this forum to get out my fears, since the excitement is something that is socially acceptable in the real world, while the fears aren't as accepted.

35 1/2 weeks and thoughts on healing

Today was my weekly check-up and ultrasound. Everything still looks good, and my blood pressure is fine at 120/70. The ultrasound tech asked if the baby has been measuring small, because she was measuring around the 30th percentile today. She hasn't been, so that was a little worrisome, but the tech also said that for some reason, most of her people had been measuring small today, so we'll check her again in two weeks and make sure she's back on track.

Amniotic fluid is fine, heartbeat is in the 150s and she's practice breathing like crazy. She's been quite active, but I can tell that she's getting bigger because her movements are much more smooth rather than punchy (less room to move around.) According to the tech's measurements, she's about 5 lbs. 8 oz. now, which is only three ounces more than two weeks ago. (Of course, the weight is only an estimate.)

I asked them to look at the heart again because as you may remember, they weren't able to see everything all together at the Lev.el II u/s, the follow-up u/s, or the 32 week survey. The tech said today that everything looks perfect that she can see, so that's a relief.

Oh, I almost forgot... She's still vertex (head down)!!! And she doesn't seem to have moved position much since last week, so maybe she's done flipping. Maybe. :)

********************
I mentioned to T last night that this month marks two years since the beginning of my second pregnancy (my first miscarriage.) Two years. He was a little taken aback by that number because, you know, boys don't really ponder crap like that. On my way home from the doctor's office today, I teared up thinking about my three miscarriages. That show of emotion was just enough to remind me of the bond I have with most of you. We may go on to have babies after all of our troubles, and most of our family and friends may assume that that makes everything we went through to get there "ok," but there will always be a place in our hearts and minds where the pain and trauma is fresh, and the memory will not ever completely fade away.

"Breacha"

No, I don't know ofr sure that she's breech again. I'll find out tomorrow. BUT. That was my word verification on someone's blog when I posted a comment. That does not put me in a good mood. :( Yes, I know I'm crazy, but I do read into word verifications sometimes, and I had just thought to myself the other day that I hadn't noticed any that were meaningful lately.

And now, a whiny, petty rant. I was putting away some of my winter clothes into storage bins today, and I was pulling out some clothes to donate as well. I'm donating some skirts that I used to wear a few years ago. See, I used to like my legs. I used to feel good about myself in skirts that were above the knee (but still tasteful.) Ummm... that's until the varicose vein and spider vein fairies teamed up to wage an all-out war on my legs. :( I know that's one of the tricks that pregnancy and older age play on us, but COME ON. Then there's the fact that getting a tan is bad for you, and the only thing that really makes varicose and spider veins look a little better is covering them up with a tan! (I use those self-tanning moisturizers, which I love, but they don't cover the veins like a real tan does.) Maybe someday I'll be independently wealthy and I can get laser treatment and varicose vein surgery to get rid of them. A girl can dream, right? :)

And the gymnastics continue...

34 w 4 d and baby girl is back to head down position. I'm not going to waste my time celebrating this time, since she's been in a different position every week for the past three weeks. She is definitely a monkey. Last night I sat on the sofa and watched my belly move for a good three hours. It's amazing how fascinating that can be. I had a pretty good idea that she had flipped just from the types of kicks and movements I was feeling and where I was feeling them. I also think she had the hiccups last night for a while, which I love. :)

My blood pressure was 110/68 today!! I guess maybe I do have some control over it (damnit) and all of the left side sleeping, sodium controlling, and feet elevating have been helping. (I just say damnit because I don't like doing any of those things...)

Baby's biophysical profile is 8/8 again, so she's doing really well. I'm still feeling great, too.

Now on a completely different topic, I went to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago, and decided that I needed to start talking to her about the "after." (No, I haven't packed a hospital bag, and no, we don't have any definite names picked out, but I'm starting to really realize that 5 1/2 weeks isn't very long, and "after" is coming up very soon!)

I am so thrilled that we have a baby girl coming home in a little more than a month, but the truth is, I'm scared. I've raised a newborn. I know what it's like. I know that I don't cope well with sleep deprivation. I know that breastfeeding is very hard. I know that people who have had postpartum depression once are likely to have it again.

I was very glad to have a chance to talk these fears over with my therapist. Of course there's nothing she can really say to reassure me that everything will be fine. It will be hard. I will feel overwhelmed sometimes. However, it's nice to know that I've voiced these fears to someone who will ask me about them after the baby's born, and probe to make sure that things are being addressed if they need to be. For one thing, she said to bring up my postpartum depression fears with my doctor before I deliver, so that he will be aware of it, and if I need medication, he will be on top of it. (I'm not good at admitting defeat in the moment, so having someone who knows what to look for ahead of time will be helpful.)

38 days (or so) until I get to find out how everything pans out...

Breech

Little booger flipped around again. Now we get to hope (again) that she'll decide to flip one more time and then STAY there!! I seriously have no idea how I could miss feeling her turn, but I really didn't know she had turned.

My BP was 118/80, and my weight is still holding steady at a net gain of about 12-15 pounds, depending on whose scale you're looking at.

Baby's weight is around 5 lbs. 3 oz. and she has long legs, but a smallish head circumference. (That works for me!!)

The BPP (Biophysical profile) today was great. She scored 8/8, so she's doing great. My cervix is still closed, and I've been noticing some of the pains that I remember so well from my pregnancy with D. The familiar pains are the ones where I feel like she is either stomping on or poking my cervix. Very comfy, as you can imagine.

I'm feeling well, aside from having a little trouble getting comfortable to sleep. I tend to get tired in the afternoon, but still feel great most mornings.

I got a huge box of hand-me-down baby girl clothes from a friend, and I washed the newborn and 0-3 month ones so they're all ready to go... I can't believe how real this is getting.

Message to Kelley

I just wanted to say good luck to Kelley, who comments frequently on my blog. (She's due in a week and a half with a baby girl.) I would love to have your e-mail address so I can reply when you comment on my posts! :)

Just send an e-mail to wheresmywhitepicketfence@hotmail.com!

Pink

I've been holding out on you...

Truth is, I found out at my first regular OB appointment after the amnio that we're having a

GIRL!

I'm so, so thrilled, and it's been a pain to refer to the baby as "it" or "the baby" on here, so there ya go... We are also telling everyone in our real lives that we know the sex already. Just easier that way.

D doesn't completely get the whole concept of the fact that a baby will be coming to live with us, but he does often ask me when I pat my tummy, "you have a sister in your belly?" He also says hi to my tummy randomly, so maybe he gets it more than I think. :)

I'm 32 weeks and 3 days today. I had a long ultrasound today which the OB's office called a "survey" ultrasound, where they took a look at all of her organs again, just to check for any red flags one more time. Unfortunately, they weren't able to see all of the chambers of the heart because she was turned the wrong direction (and the heart was also what they were having trouble viewing during the Lev.el II Ultrasound) so I was kind of bummed. However, both u/s techs said that they didn't see anything that raised any red flags, so hopefully we just have an uncooperative baby when it comes to viewing the heart. (We know it has 4 chambers... They were able to see that at the lev.el II, so that's reassuring!)

I'm feeling really good still. I had a little bit of swelling in my ankles last weekend (for the first time during this pregnancy) after a long day of yardwork and such, but I'm hoping that was just because of all the standing and walking around that day.

My blood pressure at the doctor's office today was 120/80. BOO! It seems that it may be creeping up, although it's still in the "normal" range right now. I was told to try to always lie on my left side, drink lots of water, and avoid sodium as much as possible. I'm going to try to pay more attention to all of those things and hope that I can keep that BP down!

In other news, as of the last two weeks, it would appear that I've popped...

31 Weeks

Just had an ultrasound this morning. Baby decided to flip! (Yay!) I know it can still potentially flip back to breech, but the more appointments from here on out that it's facing the right direction, the better.

Baby's weight: Over 4 pounds now! I keep reading that they should be over three pounds by this week, but the u/s tech assured me that the baby is still on track to be around 7.5 or 8 pounds.

My weight: Holding steady for the past few weeks (after my gluttonous vacation!) Today I think I was down one pound from last week, but my appointment was also first thing in the morning, so I'm not really counting that. If I gain a pound a week from here on out, I'll end up at about the same weight as I was when I delivered D.

Blood pressure: 114/80. The person who took the BP asked if I had coffee this morning (and I did) so I'm hoping the coffee right before the blood pressure reading was the reason the diastolic was higher than normal.

Movement: Baby was very active all day yesterday, but then when I lay down at night (when it usually does its little boogie routine) it was very quiet. Just a couple of jabs. It was also fairly quiet this morning. Of course that made me nervous, but the u/s was fine. (Baby scored 8/8 on its biophysical profile.) The NP (nurse practitioner) gave me a kick count instruction sheet which now has me much more nervous than I even was before. For instance, it says that babies may sleep for 60 minute periods, and this is normal. I feel like both of my babies (the successful pregnancies) had/have longer periods of time when they're quiet than 60 minutes. Should I be worried all day, every day?? Pregnancy was so much more fun the first time when I was ignorant...

Preparation: We've been buying some diapers... slowly allowing ourselves to believe that this baby will be coming home with us in July. My husband wants me to pack a bag for the hospital (which is only about 15 minutes from home) but I told him that if the baby comes this early, I'm going to be worried about a lot of other things much more than whether I have deodorant or a change of clothes with me.

Got milk?

I'm sure that when my husband married me, he was not counting on being told about my spontaneous lactation, mid-pregnancy. But, as you may have guessed, in the past week, I had a couple of episodes of very slight leaking, following a strange, slightly painful sensation in one boob or the other. (I remember this vaguely from my short breastfeeding experience with D as that feeling of "letdown.") Of course, I had to share this news with my husband. He can thank me later.

I had my 29 week appointment on Wednesday, and everything is still peachy. Baby is practice breathing already, which is totally cool. It didn't want to move on the u/s screen for the tech, so she used this little buzzer thing on my belly (which vibrates and makes a loud noise to the baby). Clearly indignant over being tazed, the little one did a dance for the tech and the tech was satisfied. Baby is still breech, but I'm still not terribly worried. There's lots of time to turn.

My pudgy "I'm not pregnant, just fat" belly is finally rounding out, and I'm starting to feel like I might look pregnant, although I still haven't had one stranger ask me when I'm due. (That's when you know you look official.) I'm still able to sleep on my back pretty comfortably, which I'm allowing myself to do. When I do turn to the side, I make an effort to make it my left side, just to even the score.

I know this weekend is Mother's Day, but truthfully, I'm looking forward to celebrating my son, and how lucky I am to have him, as well as being thankful for his little sibling. Keep on growing, little one.

It never really goes away

It was a warm day here yesterday - in the 80's. T and I spent the day doing little chores that have been waiting on an invisible list. He installed our rain barrel. We fixed D's changing table so we'll actually be able to use it for the new little person. I mowed the lawn. T spread some dirt and I sprinkled grass seed to try to nurse our pathetic lawn back to life. We did laundry. We took a walk with D. You get the picture. It was a full day.

I realized in the afternoon that I hadn't really felt the baby move during the day. I quickly reminded myself that since *I* had been moving around all day, it would have been hard to feel the baby move. Nonetheless, I found myself poking my belly in the afternoon, trying to get a response. After D was happily in the tub getting a bath from daddy, I went upstairs to take a shower, all the while planning that after my shower I would lie down on the bed to see what was going on with the little one.

When I lay down on the bed, there was kicking and jabbing and general mayhem from the inside, as I had (mostly) expected that there would be. But... I was reminded, as I often am, that the fear is still there. It doesn't matter that I brought a healthy baby to full term once before. It doesn't matter that everything looks fine on every ultrasound. I am still, and always will be, the mother of three dead babies. And for two of them, I'll never know why.

Appointment update

I had an appointment today at the OB's office, and everything is still looking good. Here's the 411 in bullet form:

28 weeks 5 days

Position: Still breech, but lots of time left to turn. (*Crossing fingers*)

Weight: A little over 2.5 pounds (estimated to be about 7.5 lbs by birth)

My weight: I gained a little "extra" weight on my vacation with T, but I'm back down to a net gain of about 10 pounds from my starting weight. (That's a gain of about 15 or 16 pounds from my "morning sickness low.")

Blood pressure: Around 116/75 {the first reading was around 128/80, which is higher than it's been for the whole pregnancy so I was a little nervous because of my history of PIH (Pregnancy induced hypertension) but when the NP took it about 5 minutes later, it was back to my "normal."}

Cervix: Long (5 cm) and closed

1 Hour Glucose: Normal (Yay! No 3 hour test, and no gestational diabetes!)

The one stinky thing about the baby being breech is that its head has already started to dig into my ribs when I sit down, so it's going to be a long 11 1/2 more weeks if it doesn't do a flip for me!

28 Weeks

Yay! 28 weeks today. :) I've had a couple of requests for a picture of my belly, so here are two. As you can see, when I put my entire arm across my belly, it's obvious that there's a belly there, but most of the time I just look chunky. I think people might think it was weird if I walked around with my arm resting on my shelf. Don't you? (This is one of my $5 Old Navy shirts, I think. LOVE it.)

I am not complaining

Really. I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled to be pregnant. SO thrilled.

But.

I feel gigantic, and not in a "cute pregnant girl" way but in a "wow, she looks like she's packed on the pounds" kind of way (I've gained about 15 pounds). I still don't look for sure pregnant. No stranger has yet come up to me to ask when I'm due. Even a couple of my neighbors have seen me (obviously MUCH rounder than a few months ago) and have not asked about it. My non-pregnant shirts are too short, and most of my maternity shirts are still huge on me. The ones that are smaller accentuate the lovely back fat rather than the belly. My body doesn't do "middle of pregnancy" particularly well. Hopefully in a few weeks, I'll feel different.

Now for the good news.

I'll be 28 weeks in like 11 1/2 hours. HOLY CRAP. That marks the date that I've been waiting for, when this kid has a 96% chance of survival outside of the womb.

Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry about not posting for so long. T and I went on a much needed parental getaway down in Virginia, and just got back a couple of days ago. We had some very exciting times with AAA when the car we were borrowing died at just about the 1 mile mark of a two mile long bridge in North Carolina. I will say that the people there are just about the friendliest people in the WHOLE WORLD. Someone stopped and offered to push our car off the bridge with his car. Are you picturing this?? Pregnant woman behind the wheel of a car going 50 miles an hour with no power steering, looking like it is attached to the minivan behind it, in a state that I've never visited before. He got us off the bridge (thank god) and I used the momentum to get the car off the road to a safe spot. AAA took it from there. But seriously, this guy was AMAZING. I will be forever grateful to him. We were in a very dangerous spot, with almost no breakdown lane, and he truly may have saved our lives.

If you remember this story from November, you'll understand why it, and my fortune cookie, popped into my brain after this good samaritan helped us out...

The home stretch

I'm getting over the hump now. You know - the one where one side is the "if the baby arrives" and the other side is the "when the baby arrives."

I can hardly believe that in two days, I'll be 26 weeks. That milestone has been in my head for a while. 26 weeks is when this kid is going to have an 80% chance of survival if it has to be born early for any reason. I'm so ecstatic to be here. 28 weeks brings us up to about a 96% chance of survival. Although I want to keep this baby cooking for as long as I can, I'm starting to feel like we're on the home stretch.

Of course...

That means that we're getting really close to the looooong sleepless nights, and the BFing struggles, and the hours of crying for no particular reason. (The baby, not me... although I'll probably be crying a lot too if the first baby is any indication!)

And then I look at my son, and I think to myself that if this little person turns out to be half as amazing and sweet as he is, all the trying, all the failing, the miscarriages, the doctors' appointments and testing, the yeast infections and progesterone, the sleeplessness and crying... All of that will be worth it.

Milestones

Yesterday marked two things: 24 weeks in this pregnancy, and the day that we would have celebrated Grey's first birthday. It seems amazing to think that I would have a one year old today if I hadn't had my first miscarriage. In all honesty, I wasn't as sad as I expected to be. I still wish that he/she had made it, but it's amazing what a year and a half of healing can do for you.

Instead of lamenting what could have been, I'm choosing to celebrate the amazing life that is growing inside of me today, and hoping for the best.

Next on the worry list

In general, I'm feeling upbeat and optimistic about the outcome of this pregnancy. I feel the baby kicking a lot, and when I have any doubts, I can pull out the trusty doppler and check on it. At this point, my biggest pregnancy fears are cord accidents and stillbirth. I would love to say that I don't think about those things, but it's the truth. I still worry that we're just not this lucky...

On a less serious note, I'm worried about breastfeeding. Any of you who have had babies or are pregnant have posted anything about breastfeeding fears have probably gotten a comment from me. When people are worried, I generally tell them that it's very, very difficult, and that there is no shame in not being able to breastfeed. I do truly believe that. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to try again. Last time I failed. I'm terrified of failing again.

My major problems with D were these:
1. Uncooperative baby: He was a stroooooong little sucker right from day one, and he struggled against me as I tried to position his head correctly for a good latch
2. Stress of lack of sleep, trying to close on a house, living out of boxes, and trying to pack the rest of my house all with a brand newborn
3. High blood pressure exacerbated by all of the above stresses
4. Me not drinking enough liquids because of all the above distractions, and not realizing how important hydration is when trying to breastfeed
5. D not gaining enough weight because of the lack of good latch and (probably) my dehydration
6. Hour and a half round trips to the new house for pediatrician appointments, lawyer/realtor meetings, etc, all the while trying to juggle BFing a newborn in a variety of less than ideal places

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of breastfeeding "support" groups that will make me feel more like a failure if I feel like I can't do it again. I'm worried about "wasting" money on formula, when I have two perfectly good boobs that should be able to feed my baby.

What I'm not worried about is raising a baby on formula, or not bonding with them because of not breastfeeding. I know that formula grows babies just fine, and I've had no problem bonding with D due to not breastfeeding him. I just have a lot of good reasons for wanting to breastfeed, and I don't want to fail again.

Boring update

Didn't that title just pull you right in? I should be in journalism or something.

The truth is, this is boring. I'm still sick. The Amm.oxicillin is not working as well as I had hoped. I still have the sinus headache. I still can't breathe through my nose, especially when I sleep, which means waking up every. single. day. for a week and a half straight with my mouth so dry that it feels like it's cracking inside. (I'm thinking the Ammox. might be dehydrating me too, because I've been craving water like a camel.)

Called this morning and left a message with my PCP that I'm still sick, so she called in a prescription for Zithr.omax. Hopefully THIS one will work! D is feeling much better, which is awesome, however he now has waaaaaaay more energy than I do again, which makes spending the day with him very tiring! (Still glad he's not sick anymore, though.)

I have an OB appointment this week, and I don't have an ultrasound scheduled at this one. It's kind of strange. It's the very first time that I will go to the office and NOT have an u/s and I'm sort of wondering what the heck we're going to do! Of course, I remember many appointments with D when my OB just used the doppler to check on D, so I assume that this OB will do the same, but this feels like a very "run of the mill pregnancy" kind of thing to do... An appointment with no pictures? How novel!

Happy 33

Today is my 33rd birthday. I've always loved my birthday. I kind of have a hard time understanding how anyone doesn't love their birthday. It's a day when people give you good wishes, and tell you how much they appreciate you. A day you don't really share with many other people, unlike a lot of other holidays. It's always been a fun day for me.

This year is a mix of emotions.

The bad:

I have had a cold for almost two weeks, which has turned into sinusi.tis because of my crappy immune system (when I'm pregnant). I've been on some meds since Tuesday, but as of today, I still kind of feel like I've been punched in the face, and I really can't breathe through my nose.

D is getting into his "aggressive 2 / 3 year old" phase. He's testing boundaries, throwing toys, looking you straight in the eye when you tell him not to do something and doing it anyway... His new favorite words are "MINE!" and "NO!" (He's talking in full sentences, but these are words he has just begun to use more often, and with more gusto than before.) I'm not sure if the past two weeks have really been so much worse, or if my cold has just made it seem that way.

The good:

This is my 200th post. I was thinking about trying to write something really awesome for this post but then I decided that a birthday post would be good enough. :)

I am 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant today. Baby has started moving around enough that T has been able to feel its kicks from the outside a couple of times in the past few days. I am so blessed.

Although D tries my patience on an almost hourly basis, I am so, so lucky to have him. He's an amazingly sweet and thoughtful little guy. He's happy much more than he's unhappy, and his enthusiasm for life just melts my heart.

T is taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday. I may not be able to drink, and I may not be able to taste anything because of my sinusi.tis, but damnit, we have a babysitter, and I'm determined to enjoy a night out! :)

The all clear

Today was my follow-up lev.el II ul.trasound. Baby was uncooperative again, and turned in the wrong direction, but the doctor was able to see enough to say that she doesn't see any reason for concern. We've effectively been given the "all clear," and to tell the truth, I hardly know what to do with myself. Of course, I'll continue to be nervous as I have been, but knowing that we don't really have anything imminent to worry about is kind of refreshing!

D and I both have a cold, which is irritating because I can't take any good medicine (I'm normally a big fan of Nyquil) and there's really nothing that you can give a 2 year old to make them feel better when they have a cold besides Motrin and Tylenol. I wish he could at least handle a Ricola or something. Poor guy has such a cough! :( The upside of him being sick is that he's much more snuggly when he's sick.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. A lot of people said that my friends are probably all happy for me, and believe me, I really do know that. However, I know that there's also probably some pain there, and I don't want to be the person to cause pain. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not resentful of those people. I really just wish things were different for them. In general, I will continue to wait for them to ask about the baby, and only then will I talk about it.

After I posted that post, I told the women in D's playgroup about the pregnancy. They were all so excited, and I did end up telling them about my losses. It was a really great feeling, and I know that the more people I'm able to tell, the less lonely I will feel.

Later this week, I have my follow-up lev.el II ultras.ound. I'm mostly nervous, but I'm also excited to see the little person again. Praying that everything is okay, and that the baby was just too small and turned in the wrong direction for them to see the "structures" they needed to see the last time. I had a little bit of a tough weekend with worrying about "doppler." It's been moving around and kicking me sometimes, which helps, but yesterday when I was listening on the doppler, the heartrate dipped while I was listening, then shot right back up, and it had me worrying about cord accidents and other fun things. I listened again this morning, and everything sounds fine. The worry just never goes away.

I've been continuing to see my new therapist every three weeks or so, and she's helping me to feel like I'm making normal choices and having normal thoughts. The irony is that we haven't really been talking that much about my pregnancy over the past couple of sessions. We've been talking about a lot of other things that go much deeper, like my relationships, especially with my mom. I've seen two other people in my life, and this woman is head and shoulders above either of them in terms of being helpful. So happy to have her.

A different kind of lonely

Most of you know that lonely feeling that comes with being infertile.

Now that I'm not "infertile lonely" anymore, I'm realizing that I'm feeling a different kind of lonely. I'm at a point in my pregnancy when I want to start telling everyone my news. I want to be able to talk with people about how exciting the first kicks are and ooh and aah over cute baby clothes, and talk about what new gear I might want for this bambino that I didn't use for D.

The thing is that I find myself constantly clamming up and NOT saying the excited thoughts that are on the tip of my tongue. The problem is, I have a pretty high percentage of friends and close family who have been, or who are in the trenches. And the rest of the people around me... Well, you just never know who might be infertile.

There's something about knowing that side of the coin that makes it so much harder to be pregnant in slightly infertile surroundings. I'm sure some of you are about to tune out in disgust thinking, "Oh you poor pregnant girl. Stop complaining." I can't blame you if you feel that way. I am incredibly fortunate to be pregnant right now. I just wish I felt able to be a normal pregnant person, who doesn't walk on eggshells when talking about her pregnancy.

Here's the rundown, in case you're interested.
Close friend #1 is nowhere near having kids, and is not sure that she wants them at all. She's stressed out with trying to sell her house and is consumed with work and with trying to figure out whether to stay with her job or find a new one. Although she gets excited when I share things about the pregnancy with her, she is in such a different place in her life that I feel bad burdening her with my fears and feel like I might be boring her with the semi-mundane details of pregnancy.
Close Friend #2 has been through multiple unsuccessful IVF cycles, and for now, has stopped trying to have children through IVF, thus I feel bad talking to her about pregnancy related things, too.
Another friend is currently going through IVF, and although she knows what I've been through, as you all well know, that doesn't really make it easier to hear about people's successes, even when you're happy for them.
Another friend had several miscarriages a few years ago, but now has two awesome kids. However, she is going through a messy divorce (through no fault of her own) and I feel like hearing about me going through one of the most wonderful things in life while she feels a little like her life is falling apart, is probably like rubbing salt on the wound.
Another friend recently had a missed m/c at 13 weeks.
One cou.sin, who I'm fairly close with, is older than me, not yet married, and very much wants to be married and have children. So she's another person I try to not talk about pregnancy related things in front of very much.
My bro.ther and his wife also had to use IVF to have their child (back a couple of years ago, before any of my m/c), and I know that, in spite of their child, the scars of infertility are still raw there, thus I try not to be "too happy" in front of them.

So there you have it. These are literally all of my closest friends, and my only sibli.ng.

So, hi guys... Yes, you out there in the blogosphere. Just wanted you to know... I'm excited about my pregnancy. (And thanks Mom and Dad, 'cause you're excited too, although you'll never read this.)

I didn't know if I'd ever make it this far again

I'm sitting on my sofa in the early evening and watching Julia Child make spinach lasagna (complete with dry white wine in the sauce - go Julia...) and the little person growing inside of me is kicking at my insides and doing some kind of gymnastics. I've been feeling it since about 14 weeks, but this is the first week that it's been getting stronger and more frequent.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever have a chance to feel this again, and I have to tell you that I am feeling very, very humbled at what a miracle this process is, and so very happy.

Letting go of the fear

Today was a good day. I got the call with my final amnio results and everything is normal!! I was fairly relieved after the first results, but now I'm ready to really rejoice that everything looks good.

I had another ultrasound at my regular doc's office, and everything on the inside looks good too. The placenta has completely pulled itself away from the cervix, and is no longer even low-lying. My cervix is long and closed, and the baby is happy, moving around and heart is beating away.

I'm starting to "pop" out a little more, and I don't think my skinny jeans would fit anymore if I tried to put them on (which I'm not planning to do.) On my to-do list for the weekend is to have my husband pull the maternity clothes out of the basement.

I'm planning to tell the women at D's playgroup this week that I'm pregnant. (Can't wait to see their faces when I tell them I'm almost 19 weeks... but whatever. Self preservation, right?) I'm excited about the prospect of telling people and trying to let go of the fear and just enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Nerves and shopping sprees

My amnio is now about 4 full days behind me, and I listened to little Doppler's hb last night and all seems well. I've (of course) been super-sensitive to every little ache and pain in the abdominal area since the amnio, (because complications of amnio usually occur within the first 48 hours) but I think I'm probably in the clear by now. *fingers crossed*

Soooo... I decided to bite the bullet and go SHOPPING. Mind you, I've been too nervous to even take my maternity clothes out of the basement yet, but Ol.d Nav.y is having a big maternity sale (through 2/18 for those interested). I couldn't NOT take advantage of it! I bought a couple of pairs of pants, and about 6 shirts for $102. (I also had a coupon and a little money left on a gift card, so it ended up being just $89 out of pocket.) Then, when I came home I checked their website and realized that 3 of the shirts I bought (same style, different colors) were $2.50 less each on the website. Being the bargain hunter that I am, I ordered them online and will return the others to the store. (By the way, I ended up ordering 6 shirts online, for $50, with FREE shipping with a $50 purchase using the code ONGIVE50). All in all, some good deals, folks.

And the best part? D was an ANGEL the whole time we were in the store. He just chilled out in his stroller while I browsed, tried on, and paid. It was a good day...

Random rant

Why is my pregnancy ticker off??? I've reset it THREE times to try to get it to say the right thing, but it still says the wrong thing. It says 17w6d right now, and I am 18 weeks. Sometimes it's right, though. Is there a clock somewhere that I have to re-set? Anyone??

Normal

The preliminary results of the amnio are back. We have GOOD news, ladies. The results are normal, or negative, or whatever you want to call it. No Dow.n Sy.ndrome.

*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

I may actually finally tell some more people that I'm pregnant. (Have I mentioned that we still have only told our parents, siblings, and a few very close friends?)

18 weeks tomorrow...

Not enough answers

I still don't know.

Well, first the good news: my low lying placenta seems to have corrected itself, which takes one more thing off my list of "stuff to worry about."

And then the other news.

I had my level II u/s yesterday, and the baby wouldn't cooperate during the u/s. They weren't able to view all of the structures that they needed to see, so I have to go back for a follow-up at the beginning of March. The doctor said that the strucutres they could see "look fine" and the fact that they couldn't see some things "does not mean that there is a problem."

We made the decision to have the amnio because we feel that we need to know for sure, and we need to know before March. We were able to do the amnio right in the same room as the u/s. We'll have preliminary results of the amnio back in a couple of days. The thing that is freaking both of us out (and I'm kind of glad I didn't know it before I met with the genetic counselor yesterday prior to the u/s) is that the odds of this baby having Dow.n Syndr.ome are 1:95. For those of you who haven't had a DS screening, this is a HUGE number. Usually, they speak in terms of 1:10000 or 1:5000. It still means that 94 out of 95 will NOT have DS, but there's a better than 1% chance that it could.

Please, please, please... Let us be one of the 94.

I missed it

I looked at the date today and realized that yesterday I missed my third due date. It slipped my mind. I mean, I knew it was coming. Even last week, I knew that it was coming up, but I just... I don't know. I just didn't have that same feeling this time.

Maybe this one was easier because I knew that it was not genetically normal (as I talked about in this post) and wouldn't have survived no matter what. Maybe it helps that I'm pregnant this time. Maybe it was easier because it was the third, and it's almost routine by now. (That sounds horrible, but you know what I mean.) I'm still feeling a little guilty. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a few other things on my mind... but... I feel guilty that I didn't acknowledge this day as I did for our other two losses.

I'm sorry, little person. I wish you had made it, but you weren't meant to be.

Keeping a level head

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you wonderful ladies for the supportive comments. I, too, know three women personally who have gotten false positives on various portions of the DS screening tests. I'm trying to keep my head in the game and focus on the good results of the first two sets of tests.

I have to wait until next Tuesday for the level II u/s, and then if anything looks funky, I have the option of having the amnio that same day. It sounds like if everything looks fine on the u/s, I won't be having an amnio. I would be fine with that in some ways because of the slight risk involved, but it also would be nice to have an absolute answer. Apparently the lvl II u/s will take the place of my 18 w u/s at my doctor's office, so I'll be having that just a little earlier than anticipated. I'm still really nervous about the placenta placement, so all in all, it's going to be a nerve-wracking day.

I'm really torn about finding out the sex. We didn't with D, and that was really great. However, after everything we've gone through, I feel like we need something really fun to look forward to NOW. But... it was so much fun with D to be able to make the phone calls after he was born and say, "It's a boy!" Would it be so wrong to find out the sex and then not tell anyone...?

Not what I need right now

I just got a call from my doctor's office telling me that the second set of bloodwork (for the sequential screening) came back positive for Dow.n Syndr.ome. This does not necessarily mean that the baby has Do.wn Syn.drome, but rather that it can't be ruled out.

I guess the next step is to get a level 2 ultrasound and an amnio. My doctor got on the phone and said "Don't worry, your NT scan was fine and the first bloodwork was fine. You'll go get the screening, you'll get the amnio, and then you won't have to worry for the rest of the pregnancy."

I love my doctor, and he was very reassuring. If only it were that easy not to worry. I'm trying not to be cynical, but there's a big piece of me that's feeling like this isn't fair.

More optimism

16 weeks today... Our little "doppler" baby is still kicking. :)

I took a big leap for me, and added a pregnancy ticker to my blog. I also updated my "timeline" on my sidebar to include the positive HPT for this pregnancy.

Yay. :)

Baby steps, right?

(A quick edit here: I saw this on another blog and loved it and wanted to share. The definition of Danger Zone: the time between showing and having something to show for it.)

A change of pace

Since I spend most of my blog space talking about my fears and complaining about stuff, I wanted to take some time to talk about GOOD things!! (Can you believe it?!?)

I'm 15w4d today. Although I'm still nervous, I'm beginning to let myself believe that this baby might actually make it. When it comes to symptoms, I'm feeling really good right now. I have much more energy and no nausea or headaches. My smallest jeans are uncomfortable to wear, but I'm not ready for maternity pants yet. That means I have about 3 pairs of pants that really work right now. (I still haven't pulled the "maternity clothes" tub from the basement yet. It hasn't been upstairs since I was pregnant with D, and it feels like a very big step.)

There are lots of good things going on with my internet ladies right now. I love reading about the successes that so many people are experiencing. I've been at this blogging thing for about a year and a half now, and I feel like I've really "gotten to know" these people and become invested in their stories. It's so thrilling to be part of something so personal and so significant in their lives.

We got a Keu.rig coffee maker from T's brother for Christmas. (Yes, we just celebrated Christmas with them. Don't ask.) T thought it was kind of an over-the-top useless present, but I think he'll change his tune when he has his first 1 minute cup of coffee! Of course, I'm going to have to come to terms with the exorbitant cost of those K-cups versus buying coffee in bulk. ;)

I was having a "difficult" day with D the other day (he's two, after all!) and T came home with a dozen roses for me because I sounded stressed out on the phone. I know I don't talk about him much on this blog because I try to keep things relatively anonymous, but have I mentioned how much I love that man? :) :) :)

Going today to get the second half of my sequential screening bloodwork. The NT scan and the first half of the bloodwork results all came back normal, so hopefully these will too and we'll have one less thing to think about. I guess they took a glucose level too, which also came back normal.

This is getting long, so I'm going to end it, but I'm feeling very lucky right now, and I'm hopeful that things will continue moving in the right direction.

The stuff that dreams are made of

Well, I had another u/s today to check my placenta placement, and it's "a little better" according to the u/s tech. I think she said it's 1.2cm away from the cervix, and the doctor likes to see it 2-3cm away. The tech was still very optimistic that it will correct itself within a few weeks, so it's just wait and see for now. She said that it is considered a "low-lying placenta" rather than a previa as things stand.

On the stats front, I'm 14w5 days today, and the baby's hb was 146. When I was pregnant with D, I first felt kicks (that I was SURE were kicks) on Valentine's day. Since I'm due almost exactly the same day this time, I'm thinking it may be similar with this pregnancy. However, this time I know what I'm looking for, and I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might already be feeling a few little kicks. That would be pretty exciting. I'll update if I decide that I'm right.

I had a tough time finding "doppler's" hb a couple of times recently, which was kind of freaky, but luckily I've been able to find it more easily the past two times. It's now almost directly in the middle, and higher - just below my belly-button.

The night after one of the 10 minute heartbeat searches, I had my first dead baby dream. In the dream, I was pregnant with twins, apparently, and I miscarried them at home, about as far along as I am now (judging from their size.) The dream has had me a little on edge for the past few days, so I'm glad I had the u/s today to see the baby.

For me, the fear just doesn't seem to go away.

On the move

Today, I'm 14w2d. I'm feeling pretty good these days. The all-day sickness has continued to stay away, which I'm grateful for. (Ended around 12 weeks this time.)

I was feeling a little bloated in the belly and sort of "not right" so I decided to use the doppler around 6:15pm. It took me over ten minutes to find the heartbeat. Surprisingly, I didn't freak out, though I did run through scenarios in my mind of calling the doctor tomorrow morning to see if I could move my next u/s up. I told myself that I have a little extra belly fat growing now that I'm finally not nauseous all the time. I also told myself that I would try again with a full bladder, since I had just emptied my bladder. The crazy thing is, I felt almost resigned to the fact that maybe this was the end. I have told two more people in the last week, and every time I tell someone I feel like I'm tempting fate.

In the end, it turned out that the little person MOVED. All along, it's been below and to the right of my belly button, and now, it's just a little below and to the left of my belly button. I don't know if that's good or bad with regard to my placenta placement, but it was certainly a relief to hear those little hooves galloping away.

Tears of joy

I know that many of you are probably already readers of hers, but if you're not, please go congratulate YAYA. She and her husband Josh have FINALLY (after 7 years of trying to have a family) been chosen as the adoptive parents for a little boy named Alex.

She was one of my first readers (and believe it or not, I was one of her first readers, too, even though she has over 600 now!) and it has been a long, hard, emotional process for her and Josh. I couldn't be more thrilled that their dream is coming true.

Judgement

Am I the only one who feels judged?

I'm nervous about the pregnancy. Really nervous. Every time I feel a pain or a twinge in my abdomen, although I don't immediately freak out about it, I wonder if there's a chance something might be wrong.

I bought the doppler so that I wouldn't have to call the doctor to ask about every little twinge or worse, wait the two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, or however long in between appointments to make sure things are okay.

Why is it that the doppler feels like a dirty little secret? Why do I find myself not wanting to tell the staff at the doctor's office that I have it? Why did I feel judged by my therapist* when I told her I bought it? When someone asks how often I use it, why do I feel like I should answer "every few days" rather than the real answer, which is "at least once every 36 hours."

What's so freaking wrong with it? I'm a mother who has had three miscarriages. Why is it so shocking that I would feel comforted by hearing this baby's heartbeat on a regular basis?

On another note, I sometimes feel like the staff (not the doctor, but some of the medical assistant type people) at my doctor's office could use some miscarriage sensitivity training. The fact that I'm not bawling my eyes out when I tell you that I've had three miscarriages doesn't mean that when you start asking me questions about them that you should sound like you're asking me if I want cream and sugar in my coffee. I know you see women who have had miscarriages on a daily basis, but we're all different. Please put away your cookie cutter and treat me like an individual.

*In my therapist's defense, I think she is concerned about the emotional impact that *not* finding the heartbeat might have on me. Luckily, I've been able to find it every time I've tried so far.

13 Weeks

I can't believe I'm actually writing this post. I'm 13 weeks today. Some jerks on BabyC.enter thought it would be fun to mess with my mind and call week 13 part of the FIRST trimester, but everything else calls it the first week of the second trimester, so we're going with that.

I had the Nuchal Fold scan today and was told everything looks "good." I'm measuring right on target at 13 weeks, and the heartrate was 155. My blood pressure was magically 106/64 which is kind of a miracle for me, (since I tend to run a little high) but I think part of that is that I wasn't too nervous since I was able to hear baby on the doppler this morning before the appointment. I got my first set of blood drawn for the sequential screening (Downs, etc.) and went through the big list of questions about family history and such.

My all-day sickness settled way down this week, which is thrilling because I was afraid it might last through the fourth month like it did with D. For the last few days I've had a left-side-of-the-head headache that tylenol doesn't touch. At least for now, I prefer it to being nauseous.

The one slightly concerning bit of information from today is that the placenta is lying low in my uterus. I have an ultrasound in two weeks to check it. Hopefully as my uterus grows it will be pulled up (which apparently happens quite commonly.) Doctor google tells me that a low lying placenta in the second trimester doesn't automatically doom me to placenta previa, since we still have a whole lot of growing to do before birth.

When I thought about making it to the second trimester a few weeks ago, it kind of seemed like "the goal" for now. Back then, I thought about it with a sense of upcoming relief. Now that I'm here, I don't feel really relieved. Of course I'm thrilled to be "statistically" much less likely to miscarry, but with my history of "defying the odds" if you will, it's hard to believe that I'm really out of those woods yet.

We told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law on Christmas eve that we were pregnant. In the next couple of days, we're planning to tell T's parents and his brother and sister-in-law. This is starting to get very real.